The helicopter parents won - a look back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get parents like you who check out and are surprised by this. Teens are still kids and need parent support and help.

Did you real OP’s first post and follow ups? It doesn’t sound like she checked out. She sat and helped with homework. The kids did activities and a sport every season. She just didn’t push for that higher tier.

+100 You all are nuts. It’s just a constant need for more, more, more, regardless of how much your kids already have. They’re happy. They’re launched. The rest is up to them.

[Anonymous]

My kids have done very well and I was a very involved parent who was spending countless hours making sure that I was tutoring them and finding/creating opportunities for them. With my firstborn, I was doing it to just enrich her and instill in her the love of learning and taking school and EC seriously. With my second, I was more clued in about college and so I was more strategic and started the enrichment earlier. In all of that, the person who was teaching them, cobbling together a curriculum, finding textbooks for them, spending time with them etc etc - was me.

For me, it did not stop there and I was making sure that they were well socialized, confident, and that their mental health was ok. So, I became very intentional in the way I parented and lived our life.

Would my kids have done well without me? They would not have failed but they would have been in a lot of stress to succeed. Not only academically and career wise things would have been difficult for them, but their lives could also have been derailed because their peer group would lack the tools and insight to advise them. I think inadvertently things would have been hard for my DH and I too because having kids who were not thriving would have been stressful to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have done very well and I was a very involved parent who was spending countless hours making sure that I was tutoring them and finding/creating opportunities for them. With my firstborn, I was doing it to just enrich her and instill in her the love of learning and taking school and EC seriously. With my second, I was more clued in about college and so I was more strategic and started the enrichment earlier. In all of that, the person who was teaching them, cobbling together a curriculum, finding textbooks for them, spending time with them etc etc - was me.

For me, it did not stop there and I was making sure that they were well socialized, confident, and that their mental health was ok. So, I became very intentional in the way I parented and lived our life.

Would my kids have done well without me? They would not have failed but they would have been in a lot of stress to succeed. Not only academically and career wise things would have been difficult for them, but their lives could also have been derailed because their peer group would lack the tools and insight to advise them. I think inadvertently things would have been hard for my DH and I too because having kids who were not thriving would have been stressful to us.

Can you be specific about what you did? I’d be interested to hear.

[Anonymous]

Nothing tanks the health, happiness and confidence of a kid than to struggling in their college, career, family life, social life etc.

It is not important to go to the TOP college, but it is important to go to a college and pick the best major that you can and be able to do well in that major so that you have a good job, and ability to also afford a married domestic life with the right partner.

[Anonymous]

I feel pretty darn smug about my only child’s life up till this point. I would never say that in real life but I think we use just the right amount of pushing when needed and chilling at other times.

He is in a top 15 college at the moment, and very happy and well adjusted. Having enough money to go private all the way, and have a lot of life experiences was probably the key. I think this is much more important than racing through to get to linear algebra as a 17-year-old. Which, by the way he did not.

[Anonymous]

I mean…that’s if you count where. Kid is at the beginning of college as “winning”. Please check/post back in 15 years!

[Anonymous]

My cousin had tutors for her DD all throughtout MS/HS -- the girl is smart but fully admits the tutors are how she got by. The parents also made sure she had the "right" extracurriculars (summer internships at friends jobs, a "charity" she started when she was too young to have thought of the idea.) She just got into a great university. So yes, there's definitely truth to the fact that parents involvement help. (And, they'll get her tutors throughout college too so it's not like it's going to catch up with her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. [b]However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

I mean, it's a little odd that you regard that as an envious accomplishment. I wouldn't wish that for my children in a million years. Being a college athlete would suck. The team owns you. It wouldn't be an authentic college experience. And, with the exception of a slice of football and basketball players, there's no meaningful career to go into in the sport afterwards.

Same for pushing math and STEM artificially. I mean, if your kid has natural aptitude, by all means, challenge them. But trying to engineer it or force a love for it in a kid who is inclined in the humanities is silly. And the joke's on them -- STEM careers aren't future proof and we're in the process of seeing a massive shakeout of disruption. On the flip side, kids with liberal arts degrees are going to be super high demand by employers, including tech employers, in the coming decades.

So, I'm with #teamadequateparenting. You got them launched. You did your job. Don't compare -- they may have gotten what they wanted, but it was likely a Faustian bargain.

This is totally inaccurate on all points but keep sipping the kool aid

^^^ so, OP, you can see how helicopter parents think. They're insecure, anxious, live in a fantasy world and don't exactly have original thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is giving me anxiety, my kids are in elementary. So are you saying that we should invest in math tutors?

The one piece of solid advice I can offer is that A kid who is not at least in pre-algebra in seventh grade is going to have a hard time with college admissions. Most competitive schools want to see calculus on the transcript. There are 4 classes between calculus and pre-algebra algebra, geometry, algebra-2and pre-calculus. Once you’re off that track it’s pretty hard.

That kid won't have "a hard time with college admissions." They'll have a hard time getting into highly competitive schools, for sure. Like the vast majority of applicants.

But there are way more schools out there than the 50 or so highly competitive ones that people on DCUM think are the only ones that exist.

Most kids are not headed toward the most highly selective schools and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is giving me anxiety, my kids are in elementary. So are you saying that we should invest in math tutors?

The one piece of solid advice I can offer is that A kid who is not at least in pre-algebra in seventh grade is going to have a hard time with college admissions. Most competitive schools want to see calculus on the transcript. There are 4 classes between calculus and pre-algebra algebra, geometry, algebra-2and pre-calculus. Once you’re off that track it’s pretty hard.

That kid won't have "a hard time with college admissions." They'll have a hard time getting into highly competitive schools, for sure. Like the vast majority of applicants.

But there are way more schools out there than the 50 or so highly competitive ones that people on DCUM think are the only ones that exist.

Most kids are not headed toward the most highly selective schools and that's okay.

DP. I did not grow up on the East Coast or go to school on the East Coast and I think the obsession on DCUM with Ivies and top elite schools is silly. But any decent college, anywhere in the country, wants to see calculus on the HS transcript. The new AP Precalc class isn't fooling anyone.

Are classes past calculus needed (or a good idea)? No. But calculus is.

[Anonymous]

Some of the happiest, wealthiest people I know went to Tech, OR WORSE! All of the TJ kids that my husband and I met at William & Mary 25 years ago are now Feds or middle managers. Fine, but nothing impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

OP here. I don’t think that was the choice. My kids were probably going to be happy either way.

The realization that I have come to is that I traded opportunities to improve my kids chances for easier weekends and less hectic weeknights.

At the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing - but that’s what I did.

If we had pushed math more would they have had a better chance at UVA and Michigan- almost certainly.

If we had done travel sports I don’t know if they would have played in college but they would’ve almost certainly made the highschool baseball team.

In the plus side I did have a lot more in the 529s than I would have if I pursued additional opportunities.

What gets me is I thought we were already doing a lot. We sat with them while they did their homework., they were always on a team I even coached a couple of their teams early on.

For the posters, who were saying that life’s a marathon, and not a sprint. I think you’re missing the point. A parent’s strategy is open as many doors as possible. It’s up to them to choose the door. I think the net results of not pushing harder in sports and academically was there fewer doors for them to go through

OP, if every parent is doing what you suggest, then your kid still probably wouldn't get into those schools because, well, there's not enough room in their classes for every kid. It's a crapshoot.

I'm sorry you're disappointed your kid didn't get into what you consider a better school. Just don't let them know of your disappointment because that is something they'll never forget.

I work at a fairly prestigious organization and a lot of my colleagues making the highest salaries (if that is your main criterion for success in life) did not go to T50 schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the happiest, wealthiest people I know went to Tech, OR WORSE! All of the TJ kids that my husband and I met at William & Mary 25 years ago are now Feds or middle managers. Fine, but nothing impressive.

Are any of the schools you listed supposed to be top schools, other than TJ? Is Tech better than W&M?

[Anonymous]

I understand that parents want the best for them and want them to be successful, happy adults, but what about them being happy in the moment and letting them have a childhood? Yes, hace a successful adulthood is important and I know that you're ab adult way longer than you're a child, but ppl forget that it's very important for kids to be kids, be happy and have a childhood.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, OP, a lot of this is child-driven. If a child is going to thrive in high-level sports or math or music or whatever, they have to want it. And the parents have to want it too-- but really talented kids will strongly advocate for being allowed to do the activities. It's not happening because the parents are helicoptering and make the kids do it. It's happening because the kid has the talent and the willingness to work hard, and the parents are willing to do their part. A kid like this will be really, really sad and upset if they don't get to do their thing. Absolutely crushed and disappointed, and will complain constantly and stick out in low-level substitute activities like a sore thumb, and it will not be a good feeling for anyone involved. If your kids weren't advocating for themselves, you have your answer.

The parents do have to do research and have a little foresight to tee up opportunities that their kid isn't aware of. Choosing a school, understanding math sequences, options for supplementing, whatever it may be. But I think "helicopter parent" means you're constantly hovering and micromanaging and controlling the kid. That's really not what this is.