The helicopter parents won - a look back

[Anonymous]

You'll get a lot of varied opinions on this, OP, but I just want to push back on your assumption that everyone who is ambitious for their kid only does so for college admissions purposes.

They don't. I have a kid with learning disabilities and one who is gifted. I've had to adjust my parenting to cater to their specific needs, and out of necessity, one has required intensive tutoring and coaching, and the other has required early opportunities that have led them to achieve. But when they were little, I was not thinking AT ALL about the consequences on school placement. I had the larger goal of:
A making the SN kid more functional so he could be financially independent as an adult, and B, keeping my gifted kid challenged so she wouldn't be suicidal.

Now they're in college and high school, I see that yes, that sort of parenting has made them more marketable to certain colleges (or allowed my oldest to go to college in the first place!). But that was not the initial goal.

Also, I don't think we as parents can be someone we're not. In this educated part of the US full of subject-matter experts, a LOT of people are detail-oriented and able to multitask. It makes sense that they would be ready to pay a lot of attention to their children's education, while holding down a job and having hobbies. It also makes sense that other types of parents, who might be in the majority in other regions of the US, would feel like they're in the minority here. But there's nothing wrong with either approach! You love your kids, you taught them right from wrong, and the value of hard work, they're not going to fail! Maybe they're not at a selective college. They still have all their life in front of them.

I don't think you should have any regrets, and neither should I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is giving me anxiety, my kids are in elementary. So are you saying that we should invest in math tutors?

The one piece of solid advice I can offer is that A kid who is not at least in pre-algebra in seventh grade is going to have a hard time with college admissions. Most competitive schools want to see calculus on the transcript. There are 4 classes between calculus and pre-algebra algebra, geometry, algebra-2and pre-calculus. Once you’re off that track it’s pretty hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is giving me anxiety, my kids are in elementary. So are you saying that we should invest in math tutors?

Same here. It’s also hard to know at this age which sport to keep up with. You don’t know what puberty will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is giving me anxiety, my kids are in elementary. So are you saying that we should invest in math tutors?

The one piece of solid advice I can offer is that A kid who is not at least in pre-algebra in seventh grade is going to have a hard time with college admissions. Most competitive schools want to see calculus on the transcript. There are 4 classes between calculus and pre-algebra algebra, geometry, algebra-2and pre-calculus. Once you’re off that track it’s pretty hard.

This was true over 20 years ago, when I was applying to college. Anyone who had any academic ambition was at least taking calculus in senior year. I did, and I wasn’t even a math person or at the top of my class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are defining college admission as the "end game." Check back when your kid and their peers are 30 - or 40. It really is a marathon and the end is nowhere near age 18.

In your thirties and forties it's the forever home in a good school district and saving for college and retirement race. And then that generation starts the college game for their own kids. It never stops unless you jump off the wheel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they happy? Did they have the opportunity to explore interests and passions? Did they learn how to try hard and fail? Did they learn how to support others?

Your definition of success is very narrow.

I think there’s a false dichotomy between happiness and achievement. I don’t think one thing has to do with another. They certainly had diminished opportunities.

There are lots of reasons to support a child in extracurricular activities, beyond college admissions. The OP didn't say what their child was exposed to, other than not pushing accelerated math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are defining college admission as the "end game." Check back when your kid and their peers are 30 - or 40. It really is a marathon and the end is nowhere near age 18.

In your thirties and forties it's the forever home in a good school district and saving for college and retirement race. And then that generation starts the college game for their own kids. It never stops unless you jump off the wheel.

To what? If you have a better plan for having kids and making money, then I'm sure others will follow. Find a balance in life. Striving and resting. Don't push too much. Don't relax too much.

[Anonymous]

But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

[Anonymous]

OP you don’t have enough perspective on this yet. From where you sit getting into a great college is the end goal. But it’s not really.

Once all these kids are 30, come back and tell us which are happiest and most productive in something that matters.

[Anonymous]

So they got into “better” colleges? Let’s see how they are when mommy and daddy can’t protect them from the real world anymore. They made a bunch of wimps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

OP here. I don’t think that was the choice. My kids were probably going to be happy either way.

The realization that I have come to is that I traded opportunities to improve my kids chances for easier weekends and less hectic weeknights.

At the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing - but that’s what I did.

If we had pushed math more would they have had a better chance at UVA and Michigan- almost certainly.

If we had done travel sports I don’t know if they would have played in college but they would’ve almost certainly made the highschool baseball team.

In the plus side I did have a lot more in the 529s than I would have if I pursued additional opportunities.

What gets me is I thought we were already doing a lot. We sat with them while they did their homework., they were always on a team I even coached a couple of their teams early on.

For the posters, who were saying that life’s a marathon, and not a sprint. I think you’re missing the point. A parent’s strategy is open as many doors as possible. It’s up to them to choose the door. I think the net results of not pushing harder in sports and academically was there fewer doors for them to go through

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So they got into “better” colleges? Let’s see how they are when mommy and daddy can’t protect them from the real world anymore. They made a bunch of wimps.

My cousin was one of these kids. He graduated from a top Ivy and is now a doctor. He is friendly and sociable and is married to a woman who is also highly educated and appears perfectly sane and sociable. Seems ok.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get parents like you who check out and are surprised by this. Teens are still kids and need parent support and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

OP here. I don’t think that was the choice. My kids were probably going to be happy either way.

The realization that I have come to is that I traded opportunities to improve my kids chances for easier weekends and less hectic weeknights.

At the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing - but that’s what I did.

If we had pushed math more would they have had a better chance at UVA and Michigan- almost certainly.

If we had done travel sports I don’t know if they would have played in college but they would’ve almost certainly made the highschool baseball team.

In the plus side I did have a lot more in the 529s than I would have if I pursued additional opportunities.

What gets me is I thought we were already doing a lot. We sat with them while they did their homework., they were always on a team I even coached a couple of their teams early on.

For the posters, who were saying that life’s a marathon, and not a sprint. I think you’re missing the point. A parent’s strategy is open as many doors as possible. It’s up to them to choose the door. I think the net results of not pushing harder in sports and academically was there fewer doors for them to go through

This is why I persist despite my working /middle class white husband thinking I may be tiger momming it. It is up to us to keep doors open and also nurture their interests. At 7, they have no idea what their passion is, no idea what they will good at when they are 16, so you let them do lots of things and also lean hard into things you know have payoff long term, like math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get parents like you who check out and are surprised by this. Teens are still kids and need parent support and help.

Did you real OP’s first post and follow ups? It doesn’t sound like she checked out. She sat and helped with homework. The kids did activities and a sport every season. She just didn’t push for that higher tier.