MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.
).
Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Do you think this is some type of threat or lesson? No, sweetie, that’s the POINT. The point is we don’t want or need your muffins, which always come with a side of guilt and expectations. Stay away. What makes you think you are needed for aftercare? You’re not. And by the way, if you withhold from us during emergencies, guess what will happen when you fall in the shower? Want to start the tit for tat? You need us a hell of a lot more than we need you. Facts.

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

Wow grumpy MIL really taking this thread personally.

I'm not a MIL yet. But I have sons and I hope to God they marry a woman with a beating heart and some human warmth, so I can be a part of their lives. And if they end up marrying people like the frigid posters on this thread, then I'll have to learn to look for love and warmth and human connection elsewhere. Or do you think seniors don't have any other options? Personally I'm looking forward to the freedom of my senior years. I'm going to have a blast.

[Anonymous]

There are some dysfunctional families on here. I cannot imagine being so formal about scheduling time with either set of our parents. One of the great benefits of living near family is being able to do the spur the moment things and quick visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.
).
Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Do you think this is some type of threat or lesson? No, sweetie, that’s the POINT. The point is we don’t want or need your muffins, which always come with a side of guilt and expectations. Stay away. What makes you think you are needed for aftercare? You’re not. And by the way, if you withhold from us during emergencies, guess what will happen when you fall in the shower? Want to start the tit for tat? You need us a hell of a lot more than we need you. Facts.

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

I get this. (I'm not a DIL or MIL). Everything is scheduled within an inch of its life. The kids can't just hang with grandma because they have to be driven to designated sports activity so they can get fresh air and interaction with other kids which they can't get from just playing with the kids on their street. There is no appreciation for random homemade goods being dropped off because you can just get anything delivered anyway so there's no novelty. Everyone is totally frazzled going through the evening ritual, which may include the perfunctory designated "family time" so they can all get to bed so that tomorrow, the parents can drive the kids to daycare and go work the big job that enables them to make enough money to never need grandma to watch the kids.

It's just all very sad. I didn't grow up that way.

Neither did I, but like, sometimes it’s not muffin time. And that’s OK. Sometimes it’s not the right time for a drop-by, and that’s OK. Why are you so uncomfortable with this that you need to make wild, unfounded projections? If you had something to drop by for a neighbor and it wasn’t a good time, would you go into histrionics about how “over-scheduled” her family was? Or would you be like cool, maybe tomorrow?

[Anonymous]

How hard would it be to be kind to the mother of your husband and grandmother to your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How hard would it be to be kind to the mother of your husband and grandmother to your children?

How hard would it be to listen to and respect the mother of your grandchildren and the wife of your son?

Why would you impose on her, ignore her, and diminish her? Is that how you treat your neighbors, your co-workers, your friends? Do you railroad those people and decide that your wants and needs are the only wants and needs to factor into making plans or visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How hard would it be to be kind to the mother of your husband and grandmother to your children?

How hard would it be to listen to and respect the mother of your grandchildren and the wife of your son?

Why would you impose on her, ignore her, and diminish her? Is that how you treat your neighbors, your co-workers, your friends? Do you railroad those people and decide that your wants and needs are the only wants and needs to factor into making plans or visits?

Calm down. She's dropping off muffins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t she stop by with muffins or soup? Does her coming by cause problems?

Because the OP doesn't want her to come. It's the MIL attempt to wiggle her way into their family life and interject her own opinions. I wouldn't want my MIL/FIL or heck even my own parents showing up at my house unannounced. Perhaps OP knows that it's just a ploy for MIL to come and then not be helpful, interrupt/disrupt the family plans for the day. Me, I think seeing family once every week or two is more than enough, unless you asked them to come/schedule it ahead of time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Note how these topics are never about moms, only about MILs.
Gatekeeping is the new American pastime

I'd be annoyed if my own mom or dad did that (thankfully they would never do that and we don't live close enough for them to just pop by).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How hard would it be to be kind to the mother of your husband and grandmother to your children?

How hard would it be to listen to and respect the mother of your grandchildren and the wife of your son?

Why would you impose on her, ignore her, and diminish her? Is that how you treat your neighbors, your co-workers, your friends? Do you railroad those people and decide that your wants and needs are the only wants and needs to factor into making plans or visits?

Calm down. She's dropping off muffins.

NP, but please, it’s never just dropping something off (at least with my MIL). It’s a pretext for visit. It’s ok to not want to do a visit on demand, especially when you already see her all the time it sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Yup---just means the MIL will see her Grandkids less and less. Those weekly/bi weekly get togethers might become monthly or longer apart. Nobody likes to be manipulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet, I've read several articles lately about Millennials being upset that Boomers are absentee grandparents. If you want the babysitting you gotta take the muffins, too.

The invitation to spend time with your grandkids does not mean you are invited to be controlling and manipulative. We can afford to pay for backup childcare if you can't provide it without strings attached. Your loss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.
).
Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Do you think this is some type of threat or lesson? No, sweetie, that’s the POINT. The point is we don’t want or need your muffins, which always come with a side of guilt and expectations. Stay away. What makes you think you are needed for aftercare? You’re not. And by the way, if you withhold from us during emergencies, guess what will happen when you fall in the shower? Want to start the tit for tat? You need us a hell of a lot more than we need you. Facts.

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

Wow grumpy MIL really taking this thread personally.

I'm not a MIL yet. But I have sons and I hope to God they marry a woman with a beating heart and some human warmth, so I can be a part of their lives. And if they end up marrying people like the frigid posters on this thread, then I'll have to learn to look for love and warmth and human connection elsewhere. Or do you think seniors don't have any other options? Personally I'm looking forward to the freedom of my senior years. I'm going to have a blast.

Why are #BOYMOMS all so unhinged about their future DILs? I see this on Instagram, too. Calm your tits: maybe your sons are gay, or won’t ever marry, or you’ll be dead before they marry. You can’t control the future, so why get wound up about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How hard would it be to be kind to the mother of your husband and grandmother to your children?

how hard is it to be kind and respectful to your husband, his wife and the mother of your grandchildren? How hard is it to recognize that they are now a family unit and may not want to spend every waking moment with you? Just because you want to visit them does not mean it's the best time for them. That's okay----if you handle it properly you will still get to see them frequently. If you are royal pain in the ass and manipulative your son and his wife may just distance themselves from you.

[Anonymous]

One of my GMs was like OP's MIL. She pushed herself into our lives. I know it drove my mom, who was a mother of 2 and a busy doctor, crazy. I am so happy that my GM put herself into our lives by force. She and I were very close until dementia claimed her sense of self. Don't get in the way of your child's relationship with their grandparent. It may inconvenience you now, but your child will remember their relationship with GM fondly in the years to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.
).
Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Do you think this is some type of threat or lesson? No, sweetie, that’s the POINT. The point is we don’t want or need your muffins, which always come with a side of guilt and expectations. Stay away. What makes you think you are needed for aftercare? You’re not. And by the way, if you withhold from us during emergencies, guess what will happen when you fall in the shower? Want to start the tit for tat? You need us a hell of a lot more than we need you. Facts.

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

Wow grumpy MIL really taking this thread personally.

I'm not a MIL yet. But I have sons and I hope to God they marry a woman with a beating heart and some human warmth, so I can be a part of their lives. And if they end up marrying people like the frigid posters on this thread, then I'll have to learn to look for love and warmth and human connection elsewhere. Or do you think seniors don't have any other options? Personally I'm looking forward to the freedom of my senior years. I'm going to have a blast.

Why are #BOYMOMS all so unhinged about their future DILs? I see this on Instagram, too. Calm your tits: maybe your sons are gay, or won’t ever marry, or you’ll be dead before they marry. You can’t control the future, so why get wound up about it?

All those things and many more are possible. One terrible outcome, though, indisputably, would be for them to marry a woman like the PPs in this thread.