Newish friend didn't remember my birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being dramatic and reading too much into this.

"a woman I thought was my friend forgot my bday."

Maybe she didn't forget - maybe she just didn't want to bother you and doesn't consider you to be a close friend. That's not insulting or bad.

Maybe she was busy - you never know what other people's lives are really like.

Either way, to position as "woman I thought was my friend" is really reductive and juvenile. If she's your friend she's your friend. Don't be petty. You seem to have other friends, so stop keeping score and taking notes and enjoy your friends without strings attached.

I think you're missing the point since the presumption this was someone who was becoming a close friend. And not remembering someone's birthday due to being "busy" is just sad. Busy isn't a shield.

But birthdays aren’t everything to everyone. OP heard from lots of friends on her birthday and instead of being happy about that, she’s focusing on the one person who didn’t say anything? That’s silly and, yes, overblown.

This.
Birthdays aren't a big deal to me. They weren't a big deal in my family growing up. We got maybe one gift. I had one friend party that I remember (when I turned 16!) I grew up in a loving household in middle America.
It just wasn't how we rolled (and lest it appear I was hurt by this--no, not at all! I loved my family. Life was good. I had an awesome childhood).

Anyway, I still don't care about my birthday and I'm 49. Some years I don't even remember it (AT ALL) until my husband mentions it when he texts me at 9am or at lunchtime (when we're already both at the office--he leaves before I wake up).

I have a best friend here in DC. We text daily. I would give her a kidney, raise her children, if she passes, help her bury the body and vice versa. I don't even know when her birthday is and she doesn't know mine. We have been incredibly close for 5 years.
Cleary she is not a birthday person either. We are otherwise both warm, kind, social women. Just not birthday people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being dramatic and reading too much into this.

"a woman I thought was my friend forgot my bday."

Maybe she didn't forget - maybe she just didn't want to bother you and doesn't consider you to be a close friend. That's not insulting or bad.

Maybe she was busy - you never know what other people's lives are really like.

Either way, to position as "woman I thought was my friend" is really reductive and juvenile. If she's your friend she's your friend. Don't be petty. You seem to have other friends, so stop keeping score and taking notes and enjoy your friends without strings attached.

I think you're missing the point since the presumption this was someone who was becoming a close friend. And not remembering someone's birthday due to being "busy" is just sad. Busy isn't a shield.

But birthdays aren’t everything to everyone. OP heard from lots of friends on her birthday and instead of being happy about that, she’s focusing on the one person who didn’t say anything? That’s silly and, yes, overblown.

This.
Birthdays aren't a big deal to me. They weren't a big deal in my family growing up. We got maybe one gift. I had one friend party that I remember (when I turned 16!) I grew up in a loving household in middle America.
It just wasn't how we rolled (and lest it appear I was hurt by this--no, not at all! I loved my family. Life was good. I had an awesome childhood).

Anyway, I still don't care about my birthday and I'm 49. Some years I don't even remember it (AT ALL) until my husband mentions it when he texts me at 9am or at lunchtime (when we're already both at the office--he leaves before I wake up).

I have a best friend here in DC. We text daily. I would give her a kidney, raise her children, if she passes, help her bury the body and vice versa. I don't even know when her birthday is and she doesn't know mine. We have been incredibly close for 5 years.
Cleary she is not a birthday person either. We are otherwise both warm, kind, social women. Just not birthday people.

Also I should add that we've joked about how our "birthday gift to each other is that we don't have to remember each others' birthdays. " To us non-birthday people this is a gift!

[Anonymous]

Birthdays are for kids.

Once you get past your big 21st birthday (which requires a group celebration), adults shouldn’t have big expectations for their birthday.

Do you really need someone to call or text Happy Birthday?

I certainly hope you aren’t expecting gifts or being taken out. That’s on your partner, not your friends.

I’m Gen X, and I just assumed everyone knew these unwritten rules.

[Anonymous]

I tend to agree with OP. The friend knew it was her birthday. She should have said something - even a simple text to acknowledge. Everyone likes to be acknowledged. I mean people always say happy birthday to everyone - even randoms!

[Anonymous]

OP, you use this information going forward. Do not change your behavior, or your willingness to be friends. Keep going with the friendship. Don't assume you-being-hurt is paramount. Don't compound it by making a rash decision and pivoting against this friend. Again, give it time. In six months from now you can think about it again - whether there is more disconnect, but now, how about you don't, not for six months.

She may have thought you were being, for her taste, just a little too needy about your birthday. I certainly never, ever, think of any year as being "A Big Birthday". I just don't. Maybe, even if she didn't think clearly about this, maybe she was just acting like herself and to her birthdays are not something she wants to keep up with ... if you're going to be her friend, it's something to accept, and she may hope not to have friends where a litmus test of friendship is measured by their birthday. She may be hoping you'll be a suitable friend, but is not sure - if you react strongly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 41 year old woman and I have zero expectations that my friends will reach out and remember and celebrate my birthday. I am not a birthday part type of person, but also, we are all adults. This isn't an expectation that is reasonable.

Yep, 60 here, and of my three closest, longest-term friends, one doesn't even talk about her birthday ever and was actually reluctant even to tell anyone the date; the other I consider very close emotionally but we don't exchange cards, texts, gifts, anything; the third has always loved birthday celebrating and celebrate, we do.

To the OP it's possible your friend does care about you but just got busy on the specific day and the date slipped her mind even though earlier she'd asked politely what you were doing for your birthday etc. She is still a "newish" friend as you note. If she is in regular touch, it should just not matter so much if she's not in perfect touch on the date of your birthday. Try to get past it and enjoy what time you spend with her.

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I love my birthday but only because I treat myself to something fun. I never ever expect friends to have any idea when it is and I do not know the dates of anyone outside my child, husband, mother, and siblings. You are 40 — it is way past time to value friendships for much bigger things than if they text you on your birthday.

[Anonymous]

This is much better than the friend who made me a birthday cake, brought it over unannounced, and then was extremely disappointed that I only ate a single slice in front of her. She kept promoting me to eat more. It was like 8 pm and I’d just had a big dinner, how much do you want me to eat, lady!?

PS—I don’t like cake.

[Anonymous]

NP. I have a wide range of friends and family and I cannot imagine thinking like this past about age 25. I don’t get it. It seems to me perhaps the friendship is not a good match.

[Anonymous]

[youtube]

Anonymous wrote:This year, I became close to a woman in a divorce support group I'm in. She lives near me and we just clicked and connected. We'd text and swap memes all the time, grab a drink on the weekend, and even went to a concert together. I'm pretty introverted and it's hard for me to open up beyond my longtime circle, and I felt, awesome, I made a friend.

It was a milestone birthday for me this week (40), and one I'd mentioned in passing to her a few times - she'd asked me what I was doing for it etc (and it was going to be a tough one for me because my kids were with their dad). Anyhow, I was really grateful to hear from lots of friends but she didn't acknowledge it on text, social media, anywhere (and she can see my "stories" so I knew she saw it). I know this sounds petty and I'm waiting for the "grow up, you're needy" people to descend, but it does hurt and I did think we were close and now I'm wondering if we are and if the birthday thing is overblown or if I should be sad or not expect we'll be friends or what. So here's my vulnerable post; tldr, a woman I thought was my friend forgot my bday.

Did you ask for first refusal on birthdays?

[Anonymous]

I totally understand your hurt OP, I would feel hurt too if in your shoes.

However I know for some people, birthdays (especially for adults) are not a big deal for them so maybe this friend is one of these people.

If she is a great friend in all other aspects I would just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Remembering friends' birthdays is like remembering friend's anniversaries. It's weird.

Remembering birthdays are for your immediate family. Remembering anniversaries is for your spouse.

Expecting friends to remember these things as an adult is weird and needy, imho.

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken to her since your birthday? I’m asking because maybe there is a legit reason she didn’t text or call? My best friend of 45 years didn’t text me on my birthday this year. Honestly I didn’t even think about it until a few days later when she said “sorry I missed your birthday, I’ve been sick with pneumonia”. You never know what going on with people.

[Anonymous]

Op you may need to rethink regarding relationships. Friends are not there-for-you like a spouse.