Do visiting family REALLY expect ‘cocktail hour’ on night SIX of a visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my ILs brown liquor is definitely part of it, but it’s really about marking the beginning of the evening by coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room and just talking a bit with each other. Then we’ll head to the table for dinner, and then back to the sofas after dinner to keep the conversation going. They’re very social. I think it’s a wonderful routine.

Why does alcohol need to be a part of that routine? My sister and her husband do not drink, and they have nice ways of transitioning from one part of the day to the other, including the transition into dinner time/evening. I don’t understand why “brown liquor” must factor in for there to be “coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room.”

Ok I see a lot of people arguing about noisy teetotalers and such and haven’t read all of it, but I wrote the post you responded to and am just coming back to this thread.

As I said in my post, I have observed that when my ILs host, it quite often involves them pouring bourbon or scotch *for themselves*, but I never said that alcohol “must factor” into it. In fact it’s quite the opposite.

I also rarely drink. There is a teetotaling uncle. There are always cousins around—obviously the children and teens aren’t drinking. Some of the recent grads don’t drink much either. “Drinks at 5” can mean flavored bubbly water, tea, whatever you want, along with some finger foods. Just means the party is starting then.

Again, as I quite literally said in my post, it is more about coming together at the end of the day in a cozy space to have a chat before dinner. If my ILs who are hosting want to pour themselves a preferred drink in their own home during that time, and if alcohol often factors into that routine for them, it is totally fine with me. Not sure why you are so bothered and aggro about it. Do you get really snarky when people offer you wine at dinner, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to your in-laws, if you hosted a cocktail hour for five days in a row, I can see why they would assume you were going to do it on day 6. In their mind, it’s what you do.

It sounds like they just asked a question, they did not make a demand. Why not just answer “I was not planning on anything, but please help yourself.”

I agree with this. Your DH needs to communicate what you both are planning to do while they visit. They aren’t mind-readers.

When we have visitors, I tell them to send me a grocery list as breakfast and lunch here is on everyone’s one. If they are friends who are also coming to sightsee, I’ll say, we have a busy day and evening on Tuesday and Weds, but we’d love for you to join us for dinner the other nights you are here and that I’m happy to give you restaurant recommendations. I think everyone appreciates the clarity.

[Anonymous]

My ILs have a cocktail hour almost every day at their home. They are welcome to do it while here but we don’t feel the need to join and rarely do.

[Anonymous]

I actually LOVE the good time Charlie boomers who do this. Let’s all get loose and socializing. Why dilly dally and be bored from 4pm to whenever dinner is served. Then after dinner you’re full and tired (especially “sun setting” elderly family). Getting a buzz and kibitzing when everyone is still sharp and alert 4pm-7pm is great fun. Cherish it.

[Anonymous]

My boomer parents are big cocktail hour people and I love it, but I'd be miffed if they expected me to serve it to them every night of their visit. We keep extra beer, wine, and snacks around when they're here, and they know they can have it when they're ready. There isn't going to be a big to-do where I set out serving platters and mix drinks for everyone for 6 nights in a row; that's a crazy expectation.

[Anonymous]

Your parents wanting a cocktail might be a family, social class, regional, or ethnic thing, but it's not a boomer thing - especially for those referring to their grandparents.

In my neighborhood, it's the wine moms who need to drink every evening.

[Anonymous]

House guests, like fish, start to rot after 3 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so over hosting my ILs! They’re still here, which I wouldn’t mind so much, but they are very much still in “we expect to be hosted” mode. DH is at work and doesn’t get home until 6:30. I’m phoning in dinner with a Stouffer’s lasagna, a salad, and some breadsticks.

ILs asked “what are you planning to serve for cocktail hour.” Um, nothing. There’s beer and wine if you want to help yourself. You can scrounge around and make yourself cheese and crackers if you want to. But like, the nights of shrimp and full service are over. Thank goodness they leave tomorrow. Who expects to be fully hosted after so much time parked in someone else’s home?

They may expect it but they would need to go to a bar. Six days is three days too long and they need to be packing up for their early A.M. departure tomorrow morning so they can stop at IHOP for breakfast..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:House guests, like fish, start to rot after 3 days.

Do you think you are original, or did I miss the part where the first poster to trot out this well-worn line (and yes, we all know it is Benjamin Franklin) wins a $100 gift card to Ace Hardware?

[Anonymous]

My parents adhere to a 5 or 6pm cocktail and snacks.

I try to do it when they are at my house. In a way it's nice. But I also think they're comfortable getting what they want when they want it if I don't do it.

It's so odd though to see them watch the clock for 6:01 or whatever. And they are clearly peeved when we decline alcohol. This visit we all had colds (no, not Covid, no not bad, yes we told them) and we did not drink one drop. They were very wasp-kind but I could sense the irritation.

I also don't love the snacks each night. I don't want an additional 200 calories every day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually LOVE the good time Charlie boomers who do this. Let’s all get loose and socializing. Why dilly dally and be bored from 4pm to whenever dinner is served. Then after dinner you’re full and tired (especially “sun setting” elderly family). Getting a buzz and kibitzing when everyone is still sharp and alert 4pm-7pm is great fun. Cherish it.

YES. My much-adored MIL is here for several weeks. More nights than not she'll pop the cork on a chardonnay and say to me "Sweetie, can I pour you a glass?" While I nod she does just that and puts some nuts in a bowl. We sit by the fire for a few and tell some stories and share our day. How this is a problem or a chore for some I have no idea. One day she will be gone and I'll miss her and this ritual so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents adhere to a 5 or 6pm cocktail and snacks.

I try to do it when they are at my house. In a way it's nice. But I also think they're comfortable getting what they want when they want it if I don't do it.

It's so odd though to see them watch the clock for 6:01 or whatever. And they are clearly peeved when we decline alcohol. This visit we all had colds (no, not Covid, no not bad, yes we told them) and we did not drink one drop. They were very wasp-kind but I could sense the irritation.

I also don't love the snacks each night. I don't want an additional 200 calories every day!

Good lord some of you are so anti social and insufferable. A common cold meant you couldn’t drink over the holidays with family in town? That’s when you should drink. Maybe a hot toddy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws have been taking the kids on a little walk around the neighborhood as it’s been getting dark. They look at the Christmas lights. When they come in, they put on tea and make the kids hot chocolate. Which is lovely but I’m so worried that they are going to fall out there in the dark and the 6 year old is not going to know how to help.

Cool story. If I were at your house for Christmas I’d be guzzling bleach in the bathroom.

Looking at Christmas lights. Tea. Worrying about falling down.

Did you mother have any kids that lived?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually LOVE the good time Charlie boomers who do this. Let’s all get loose and socializing. Why dilly dally and be bored from 4pm to whenever dinner is served. Then after dinner you’re full and tired (especially “sun setting” elderly family). Getting a buzz and kibitzing when everyone is still sharp and alert 4pm-7pm is great fun. Cherish it.

Thank you!! Finally the regular, fun people showed up to this thread.

We’re all dirt. Most immediately your aging relatives. Have some holiday cheer you nerds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually LOVE the good time Charlie boomers who do this. Let’s all get loose and socializing. Why dilly dally and be bored from 4pm to whenever dinner is served. Then after dinner you’re full and tired (especially “sun setting” elderly family). Getting a buzz and kibitzing when everyone is still sharp and alert 4pm-7pm is great fun. Cherish it.

YES. My much-adored MIL is here for several weeks. More nights than not she'll pop the cork on a chardonnay and say to me "Sweetie, can I pour you a glass?" While I nod she does just that and puts some nuts in a bowl. We sit by the fire for a few and tell some stories and share our day. How this is a problem or a chore for some I have no idea. One day she will be gone and I'll miss her and this ritual so much.

Becasue she offered it to you and made it for you and helped herself. Which is different than asking someone who has been working hard to make nice meals for you for nearly a week and essentially “make the Christmas magic” for the household where your cocktail hour is on night six of a visit. If you don’t get that, you’re being deliberately obtuse.