Do visiting family REALLY expect ‘cocktail hour’ on night SIX of a visit?

[Anonymous]

This is really funny. I only serve appetizers before a formal holiday meal like Thanksgiving or Christmas/Christmas Eve. If I served my little kids appetizers, I can guarantee that they won't eat a bite of dinner. And dinner is normally more nutritious than cocktail hour.

I often set out a big tray of crudites like olives, cut peppers, carrots, celery and the kids eat that instead of nagging me for food or sneaking food while I'm still cooking (like the cheese I need for dinner).

My parents would say something like this though. I think my parents (who are overweight) eat dessert every night of their lives whereas we have it once a week and it's more of a special thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really funny. I only serve appetizers before a formal holiday meal like Thanksgiving or Christmas/Christmas Eve. If I served my little kids appetizers, I can guarantee that they won't eat a bite of dinner. And dinner is normally more nutritious than cocktail hour.

I often set out a big tray of crudites like olives, cut peppers, carrots, celery and the kids eat that instead of nagging me for food or sneaking food while I'm still cooking (like the cheese I need for dinner).

My parents would say something like this though. I think my parents (who are overweight) eat dessert every night of their lives whereas we have it once a week and it's more of a special thing.

OK, so just set it down next to a bottle of Hendricks and an ice bin and everyone’s happy. Universe in alignment.

Choose joy, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really funny. I only serve appetizers before a formal holiday meal like Thanksgiving or Christmas/Christmas Eve. If I served my little kids appetizers, I can guarantee that they won't eat a bite of dinner. And dinner is normally more nutritious than cocktail hour.

I often set out a big tray of crudites like olives, cut peppers, carrots, celery and the kids eat that instead of nagging me for food or sneaking food while I'm still cooking (like the cheese I need for dinner).

My parents would say something like this though. I think my parents (who are overweight) eat dessert every night of their lives whereas we have it once a week and it's more of a special thing.

You reward your kids for nagging you while you prepare dinner? How very odd. My kids know not to bother me or nag. If they are hungry, they politely ask if they may get themselves a snack. If they ask, I may take a moment to put out something for them, or I say they may help themselves.

[Anonymous]

Be thankful they are still alive.

[Anonymous]

It’s not crazy to expect the status quo from the last 5 nights and be looking forward to it. Consider it a compliment to the nice experience you curated for them! You’re a good host. It’s somewhat rude to inquire, but whatever, people get a bit more thoughtless as they get older.

It’s also 100% okay for you to drop the “holiday mode” routine but it’s best to communicate that so guests can adjust their expectations and avoid this very confusion that is causing tension for all. Better for it to have happened earlier, before the guest had a chance to inquire but even after the fact it’s not hard to firmly communicate the change with genuine warmth and not the passive aggressive frigidity suggested upthread, like “Oh I actually didn’t plan anything for cocktail hour today. DH won’t be home until 6:30 so please help yourself to a drink and some of the cheese/olives/whatever then we’ll eat at 7.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really funny. I only serve appetizers before a formal holiday meal like Thanksgiving or Christmas/Christmas Eve. If I served my little kids appetizers, I can guarantee that they won't eat a bite of dinner. And dinner is normally more nutritious than cocktail hour.

I often set out a big tray of crudites like olives, cut peppers, carrots, celery and the kids eat that instead of nagging me for food or sneaking food while I'm still cooking (like the cheese I need for dinner).

My parents would say something like this though. I think my parents (who are overweight) eat dessert every night of their lives whereas we have it once a week and it's more of a special thing.

You reward your kids for nagging you while you prepare dinner? How very odd. My kids know not to bother me or nag. If they are hungry, they politely ask if they may get themselves a snack. If they ask, I may take a moment to put out something for them, or I say they may help themselves.

You condescendingly, stick firmly up butt, post haughty passive-aggressive self-congratulatory crap to strangers?

How very odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my ILs brown liquor is definitely part of it, but it’s really about marking the beginning of the evening by coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room and just talking a bit with each other. Then we’ll head to the table for dinner, and then back to the sofas after dinner to keep the conversation going. They’re very social. I think it’s a wonderful routine.

Why does alcohol need to be a part of that routine? My sister and her husband do not drink, and they have nice ways of transitioning from one part of the day to the other, including the transition into dinner time/evening. I don’t understand why “brown liquor” must factor in for there to be “coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room.”

If you don't want to drink, don't. Nobody is forcing you. And frankly, nobody wants to hear you declare you don't drink. You teetotalers can never keep it to yourself, can you. It's as if you secretly think it makes you look interesting or like you have *so* much self control and discipline or something. Nobody cares! If grandpa and some in-laws are over and want to drink & socialize at 5pm on a Wednesday, who cares? You probably see then once a year. Go back to Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy or scrolling DCUM routine after they leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my ILs brown liquor is definitely part of it, but it’s really about marking the beginning of the evening by coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room and just talking a bit with each other. Then we’ll head to the table for dinner, and then back to the sofas after dinner to keep the conversation going. They’re very social. I think it’s a wonderful routine.

Why does alcohol need to be a part of that routine? My sister and her husband do not drink, and they have nice ways of transitioning from one part of the day to the other, including the transition into dinner time/evening. I don’t understand why “brown liquor” must factor in for there to be “coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room.”

If you don't want to drink, don't. Nobody is forcing you. And frankly, nobody wants to hear you declare you don't drink. You teetotalers can never keep it to yourself, can you. It's as if you secretly think it makes you look interesting or like you have *so* much self control and discipline or something. Nobody cares! If grandpa and some in-laws are over and want to drink & socialize at 5pm on a Wednesday, who cares? You probably see then once a year. Go back to Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy or scrolling DCUM routine after they leave.

Oooh, how sensitive. I never said I didn’t drink. I said my sister does’t drink. I am not a “teetotaler,” but my point stands that it’s weird that a lot of people (ahem, you) think a drink signals the end of the day or whatever. It’s weird that you need it and can’t relax or socialize without it. Some of us just enjoy the occasional drink without making such a big, ritualized deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who TF says cocktail hour?

Boomers, as a way to cover up their excessive drinking. Both my parents and my ILs do this.

They act like everyone puts on a big show at 5 p.m. every night. Um, no, DH and I maybe have a drink at home once a week. We don’t put on an elaborate ritual every night to make binge drinking seem civilized.

Because everyone in separate rooms scrolling social media on their phones all day and taking selfies and pretending to WFH (sending emails) and binge watching netflix is so superior to having a cocktail and socializing with guests at a set time at the end of the day.

Did you know people can converse even when they are drinking sparkling water, or nothing at all? I just spent two hours talking with DH, my parents, and my kids, and none of us were drinking anything but water. Try it sometime, conversing with no alcohol.

Zzzzzzzzz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my ILs brown liquor is definitely part of it, but it’s really about marking the beginning of the evening by coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room and just talking a bit with each other. Then we’ll head to the table for dinner, and then back to the sofas after dinner to keep the conversation going. They’re very social. I think it’s a wonderful routine.

Why does alcohol need to be a part of that routine? My sister and her husband do not drink, and they have nice ways of transitioning from one part of the day to the other, including the transition into dinner time/evening. I don’t understand why “brown liquor” must factor in for there to be “coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room.”

If you don't want to drink, don't. Nobody is forcing you. And frankly, nobody wants to hear you declare you don't drink. You teetotalers can never keep it to yourself, can you. It's as if you secretly think it makes you look interesting or like you have *so* much self control and discipline or something. Nobody cares! If grandpa and some in-laws are over and want to drink & socialize at 5pm on a Wednesday, who cares? You probably see them once a year. Go back to your Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy or scrolling DCUM routine after they leave.

Oooh, how sensitive. I never said I didn’t drink. I said my sister does’t drink. I am not a “teetotaler,” but my point stands that it’s weird that a lot of people (ahem, you) think a drink signals the end of the day or whatever. It’s weird that you need it and can’t relax or socialize without it. Some of us just enjoy the occasional drink without making such a big, ritualized deal about it.

I actually barely drink, I just don't need to share that with everyone or fret when guests want to booze at 5pm or that those who don't drink might feel "uncomfortable" by casual cocktail hour drinks. American families are so fractured and spread all over the country, you all need to try to genuinely enjoy when they visit instead of b**ching about every trivial thing. Most extended families are lucky get together ONE time per year, usually around Thanksgiving or late December. Cherish it -- before everyone dies and or nobody cares to visit your boring miserable *ss!

[Anonymous]

Well if they're used to cocktails every evening, it makes sense that they'd ask about them, no?

You can say: "Oh that was a special thing for Christmas, but feel free to get a glass of wine for yourself!"

However, I understand that houseguests are stressful and that you're tired and not in the hosting mood. I wouldn't be either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my ILs brown liquor is definitely part of it, but it’s really about marking the beginning of the evening by coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room and just talking a bit with each other. Then we’ll head to the table for dinner, and then back to the sofas after dinner to keep the conversation going. They’re very social. I think it’s a wonderful routine.

Why does alcohol need to be a part of that routine? My sister and her husband do not drink, and they have nice ways of transitioning from one part of the day to the other, including the transition into dinner time/evening. I don’t understand why “brown liquor” must factor in for there to be “coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room.”

If you don't want to drink, don't. Nobody is forcing you. And frankly, nobody wants to hear you declare you don't drink. You teetotalers can never keep it to yourself, can you. It's as if you secretly think it makes you look interesting or like you have *so* much self control and discipline or something. Nobody cares! If grandpa and some in-laws are over and want to drink & socialize at 5pm on a Wednesday, who cares? You probably see them once a year. Go back to your Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy or scrolling DCUM routine after they leave.

Oooh, how sensitive. I never said I didn’t drink. I said my sister does’t drink. I am not a “teetotaler,” but my point stands that it’s weird that a lot of people (ahem, you) think a drink signals the end of the day or whatever. It’s weird that you need it and can’t relax or socialize without it. Some of us just enjoy the occasional drink without making such a big, ritualized deal about it.

I actually barely drink, I just don't need to share that with everyone or fret when guests want to booze at 5pm or that those who don't drink might feel "uncomfortable" by casual cocktail hour drinks. American families are so fractured and spread all over the country, you all need to try to genuinely enjoy when they visit instead of b**ching about every trivial thing. Most extended families are lucky get together ONE time per year, usually around Thanksgiving or late December. Cherish it -- before everyone dies and or nobody cares to visit your boring miserable *ss!

It’s “boring” not to drink and you can’t “genuinely enjoy” company without drinks. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my ILs brown liquor is definitely part of it, but it’s really about marking the beginning of the evening by coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room and just talking a bit with each other. Then we’ll head to the table for dinner, and then back to the sofas after dinner to keep the conversation going. They’re very social. I think it’s a wonderful routine.

Why does alcohol need to be a part of that routine? My sister and her husband do not drink, and they have nice ways of transitioning from one part of the day to the other, including the transition into dinner time/evening. I don’t understand why “brown liquor” must factor in for there to be “coming together and sinking down into a cozy living or family room.”

If you don't want to drink, don't. Nobody is forcing you. And frankly, nobody wants to hear you declare you don't drink. You teetotalers can never keep it to yourself, can you. It's as if you secretly think it makes you look interesting or like you have *so* much self control and discipline or something. Nobody cares! If grandpa and some in-laws are over and want to drink & socialize at 5pm on a Wednesday, who cares? You probably see then once a year. Go back to Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy or scrolling DCUM routine after they leave.

Oooh, how sensitive. I never said I didn’t drink. I said my sister does’t drink. I am not a “teetotaler,” but my point stands that it’s weird that a lot of people (ahem, you) think a drink signals the end of the day or whatever. It’s weird that you need it and can’t relax or socialize without it. Some of us just enjoy the occasional drink without making such a big, ritualized deal about it.

DP. But you sound insufferable. Not surprised people feel the need to get wasted while socializing with you.

[Anonymous]

Why do people allow themselves to be treated like a door mat? I had 28 of my husbands family here on Christmas Eve and I politely informed the adults beforehand how I needed them to help to make it a fun party for all. They were great!

[Anonymous]

My in-laws have been taking the kids on a little walk around the neighborhood as it’s been getting dark. They look at the Christmas lights. When they come in, they put on tea and make the kids hot chocolate. Which is lovely but I’m so worried that they are going to fall out there in the dark and the 6 year old is not going to know how to help.