Would you tell your child if they were ugly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an ugly person, I assure you I didn’t need my parents to tell me. I knew. I’m not blind. And it’s not like the kids at school were quiet about it. “Halloween is over; you can take off your scary mask.” My looks peaked at about 4-5.

I agree with you. Nobody needs their parents to tell them they are ugly. Society takes care of this just fine.

[Anonymous]

Korean American here. My parents did not do this to me. I was loved and grew up to be a confident person. My best friend was told she was fat and ugly by her father. She was fat for American standards so the absolute fattest for an Asian. I don’t think her parents pushed it but she has had so much plastic surgery. She definitely has self esteem problems. She also is not pretty in terms of Korean standards. She only dates non Asians. She is very stylish and has great hair and skin.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is friends with a girl who is not conventionally pretty. Both her mother and father look like models. I can’t help think they both must have had a lot of surgery and the daughter will also need surgery. They are from a culture known for plastic surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lord, did my mother let me know! Doesn’t help that she was and is just absolutely gorgeous and elegant.

It was really bad for my self-esteem in middle school. I grew into my face in my twenties anyway and experienced a fair amount of “pretty privilege,” but I wasted a lot of time and energy on my appearance to try to maximize that, and was so insecure about my looks I couldn’t leave the house without eyeliner on. Wish that energy had been spent on something more worthwhile. It’s weird to think that if I had changed my face at fourteen as was suggested, I might have looked like a total freak when the rest of my face changed around whatever I’d “fixed”. Actually have a friend who got a lot of plastic surgery at 19, and it really aged her in her mid-twenties onward.

Now with age and hormonal shifts, the smoke and mirrors of makeup and fashion that worked in my twenties is not working at all and I have been struggling with losing that “pretty privilege,” as well as feeling like I suddenly have no idea how to make myself look good. I definitely feel better when I think I look good, so I’ve felt kind of blah for a while. I’m sure I’ll look back in ten years and just see the lost youth, but looking in the mirror is a bummer for me right now. Trying not to focus on it so I don’t repeat the mistake of wasting so much time on my appearance…also helps that there’a a lot of pressure to be scruffy and casual in the DC-area, even though I think the resulting vibe is kind of ugly and depressing. Mom still pokes my stomach and warns me not to get fat when I see her.

I have a friend who is pretty and vain. She is attentive seeking , has breast implants, tummy tuck, Botox, hair always done, eyelashes, etc. She has a daughter who is ugly. The mom and grandmother have said the girl was ugly since the day she was born. The girl seems very insecure. I feel bad for her.

I didn’t grow up with a vain mother but it must be hard to grow up in a household where beauty is so important and you are below average looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is friends with a girl who is not conventionally pretty. Both her mother and father look like models. I can’t help think they both must have had a lot of surgery and the daughter will also need surgery. They are from a culture known for plastic surgery.

Or just a weird combination of genetics. Like Bruce Willis and Demi Moores kids. Each of the parents is objectively gorgeous (I know Demi has had surgery but as a young woman, pre surgery, she was striking). And their kids definitely look like them but in an odd kind of way- definitely not objectively attractive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is friends with a girl who is not conventionally pretty. Both her mother and father look like models. I can’t help think they both must have had a lot of surgery and the daughter will also need surgery. They are from a culture known for plastic surgery.

Or just a weird combination of genetics. Like Bruce Willis and Demi Moores kids. Each of the parents is objectively gorgeous (I know Demi has had surgery but as a young woman, pre surgery, she was striking). And their kids definitely look like them but in an odd kind of way- definitely not objectively attractive

I get what you are saying but in my case, I’m almost certain the mom has had some work done. She actually looks like a plastic surgery ad. The dad might just be good looking. The girl doesn’t look like her parents. I guess she could be adopted or maybe used donor eggs or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never in a million years tell a child they were ugly.

I'm somewhat familiar with South Korea. People always note how the moms never look like their children. South Korea does excess very well. I like South Korea a lot, but can't say it's the healthiest country.

I'll note a couple of things.

If you are just talking about attractiveness, being fit is where it's at. Almost everyone looks good when they are strong and exude that healthy glow and the body that comes from physically pushing it. Add a great personality. Kind. Smart. Funny. Empathetic. 10/10.

But what makes someone truly beautiful is the energy within. Looks fade for everyone. Would never make that the focus of one's sense of self.

So, exercise. Be kind. Make friends. It'll work out.

I can guarantee that making your child's appearance at this moment in time an issue is not going to work out well.

I'm Korean American and if it's not your mom telling you that ...

1. your nose is too large 2. you have acne 3. noting weight gain, then it's going to be an "ahjumma" (auntie, middle aged friends of your mom) who will ruthlessly tell you. It's really bad. But I think in a lot of cultures things like this exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a MENA background and moms “out of love” and looking after the best interest of their children (particularly girls) would tell their child if they were unattractive or ugly and strongly encourage plastic surgery. After speaking to a friend who is of South Korean descent she basically said the same thing. Korean mothers would push plastic surgery or be very controlling about weight. Obviously this is also highly toxic behavior and has become increasingly unacceptable in today’s social climate. So would you tell your child if they were ugly? Would you push your child towards plastic surgery if it would benefit them? Why or why not?

Someone should tell them the truth. Might as well come from mom, in a tactful way of course while also offering solutions.