Reply to Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest.  DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well.  Best of husbands in all other respects.  I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it.  Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me!  Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point.  Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most.  WWYD?[/quote]

I would go to a sex therapist first.

The thing is OP, you have two bad options here. One is not having the kind of sex you want and need. The other is hurting your very loving husband and in so doing not holding up your values.

Is there a third option? I think so. Getting someone to mediate the conversation wil help. Getting a therapist to help you clarify your goals. You feel as if you aren’t getting what you need. Maybe the connection to your husband is going though a dry spell?[/quote]

I love this idea but it’s a non-starter with DH.[/quote]

No, you don't want to "rock the boat" by being honest with him about how you really feel about the lack of sex in the relationship.

If you were honest with him about how this makes you want to stray, and the only way forward together to resolve it with integrity is counseling, he would have to consider things.

You want everything. You want your marriage to be "good" i.e. continue with the superficially non-conflictual companionship and camaraderie. You also want to take a lover on the side. I think you understand that by wanting this, you are avoiding the fact that you have to choose and both options are bad. Your other option is to level with him and go to counseling to figure this out together. But YOU don't want to put the ultimatum and be honest, because that would mean the end of what you value in your relationship. I.e. a situation that doesn't require much out of you.[/quote]

Again, in the same way I can’t insist he see a doctor, I can’t insist he join me for counseling or therapy.  I have tried! Hard to say which he doesn’t want to do more.  But I see your point - you see it as a choice that must be made, work on it or leave.  
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