What dog does he have in the fight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

NP and I also think this “forcing” thing isn’t going to work.
But my advice would be for HER to run, not him.

If he hasn’t already put the 15-year friendship in that WAAAYY backburner on his own, then OP is right—he isn’t thinking of fiancé as his bff and partner. If he were, he would have naturally and gradually sidelined fifteen-year friend without being asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

NP and I also think this “forcing” thing isn’t going to work.
But my advice would be for HER to run, not him.

If he hasn’t already put the 15-year friendship in that WAAAYY backburner on his own, then OP is right—he isn’t thinking of fiancé as his bff and partner. If he were, he would have naturally and gradually sidelined fifteen-year friend without being asked.

This is OP. Yes I agree and I told my friend as much that if he isn't prioritizing you now then it's not going to get any better after marriage. I definitely agree with her stance on the situation but ultimately she can't "force" him to include her more in the friendship or dial back the intensity of it because this is something he has to do on his own.

I just can't imagine my own husband having that strong of a friendship with another woman that he would fight me tooth and nail when I asked him to dial it back. I don't think most straight men unless there were some deeper feelings would be texting another woman a lot, leaving his fiance out of the friendship , hanging out with her one on one unless it was his fiance/wife/gf or a female family member.

Those types of friendships when you're single may work but usually they dial back when you're in a relationship.

I mean my thing is if essentially the only thing that is different between this "friend" and his own fiance is him and his friend don't have sex then to me that's too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

NP and I also think this “forcing” thing isn’t going to work.
But my advice would be for HER to run, not him.

If he hasn’t already put the 15-year friendship in that WAAAYY backburner on his own, then OP is right—he isn’t thinking of fiancé as his bff and partner. If he were, he would have naturally and gradually sidelined fifteen-year friend without being asked.

There is logic in this. A friend who was very trusting and not the jealous type got very burned in a situation like this. It hurts more when it has been portrayed as an innocent friendship. It may have been innocent a long time but didn’t end up that way and the secrets they kept for years. Truly awful. I have a few opposite sex friends and great coworkers but we keep it respectful to everyone. Friendships enhance live but marriage is first. Run if either side doesn’t recognize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just another example of how friends can be your worse advisors.

No, OP, his new fiancee does not trump a 15 year relationship with a friend. You two sillies need to respect that friendships are valuable, and even though they might be with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going to happen.

It's unnecessary to put that she is a new fiance it doesn't make them any less engaged and how is the person you are about to make vows to and spend the rest of your life with. This board is filled with ppl saying your spouse comes first even above parents. So certainly above a female friend

It isn’t about who is first. It is about honoring and respecting the relationships your partner has. This guy has had a platonic relationship for 15 years. That history should not be cut out. As far as you drawing mothers into this equation, men have relationships with both their family of origin and their new wife.
If one or the other is overbearing and or toxic then the guy needs to draw boundaries with that person. It isn’t about “first” it is about boundaries that help to make relationships succeed.

To that end if the woman in this scenario attempted to say: hey this is making me feel insecure right now, can you reassure me about this. That is one thing but saying”you can’t talk to her.” Signifies that she can’t handle communication about her feelings in a healthy way. And that will eventually spell divorce.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a close female friend from high school that he keeps in touch with. For a long time it was one on one texting, hang outs, etc. it never bothered me because I was always welcome to participate too, and in fact she and I became friends ourselves and she made a point of inviting me to stuff with other girlfriends as well. In my mind that’s the normal, adult thing to do. It would be weird if he/they tried to keep their relationship totally separate. There are plenty of female friends of his that have become my friends as well, that’s part of the beauty of merging lives, you get all these new great people to hang out with. I hope your friend can find that with her fiancé’s female friends as well.

[Anonymous]

There is logic in this. A friend who was very trusting and not the jealous type got very burned in a situation like this. It hurts more when it has been portrayed as an innocent friendship. It may have been innocent a long time but didn’t end up that way and the secrets they kept for years. Truly awful. I have a few opposite sex friends and great coworkers but we keep it respectful to everyone. Friendships enhance live but marriage is first. Run if either side doesn’t recognize that

+100

I have seen the same situation play out. I would not marry this guy based on this information.

[Anonymous]

Op you don’t seem to understand what boundaries are or mean. Telling someone ‘do this because I say so’ is not a boundary, that’s controlling (and in this case abusive) behavior. You really should not be giving advice if you don’t understand this very basic thing…

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest you send this whole thread to your friend. There is a lot of nuanced advance being given, but it’s clear that she is getting none of that nuance from your advice. Your advice is really dangerous to their relationship and you are encouraging her to put down an ultimatum vs rationally discussing their relationship, what about the friendship is making her insecure, etc.

I fully believe that no one should walk away from a 15-year friendship for no other reason than a partner’s idea of what loyalty looks like or insecurity. No ultimatum needs to be given, but there are probably things the fiancé can do to help her feel less insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest you send this whole thread to your friend. There is a lot of nuanced advance being given, but it’s clear that she is getting none of that nuance from your advice. Your advice is really dangerous to their relationship and you are encouraging her to put down an ultimatum vs rationally discussing their relationship, what about the friendship is making her insecure, etc.

I fully believe that no one should walk away from a 15-year friendship for no other reason than a partner’s idea of what loyalty looks like or insecurity. No ultimatum needs to be given, but there are probably things the fiancé can do to help her feel less insecure.

Exactly.

OP, you are not a very intelligent person and you seem incapable of understanding nuance. I hope your friend has advice from others around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

NP and I also think this “forcing” thing isn’t going to work.
But my advice would be for HER to run, not him.

If he hasn’t already put the 15-year friendship in that WAAAYY backburner on his own, then OP is right—he isn’t thinking of fiancé as his bff and partner. If he were, he would have naturally and gradually sidelined fifteen-year friend without being asked.

This is OP. Yes I agree and I told my friend as much that if he isn't prioritizing you now then it's not going to get any better after marriage. I definitely agree with her stance on the situation but ultimately she can't "force" him to include her more in the friendship or dial back the intensity of it because this is something he has to do on his own.

I just can't imagine my own husband having that strong of a friendship with another woman that he would fight me tooth and nail when I asked him to dial it back. I don't think most straight men unless there were some deeper feelings would be texting another woman a lot, leaving his fiance out of the friendship , hanging out with her one on one unless it was his fiance/wife/gf or a female family member.

Those types of friendships when you're single may work but usually they dial back when you're in a relationship.

I mean my thing is if essentially the only thing that is different between this "friend" and his own fiance is him and his friend don't have sex then to me that's too much.

Men don’t think of friendship in that way, and indeed dropping your friends because you are in a relationship is viewed as a sign of low character/disloyalty among men. (Again, it’s different in the context of former girlfriends.) I know there are lots of women who sideline their friends when they are in a relationship, largely because I have female friends who have bitterly complained about it when it happens, but asking or expecting a man to drop a real friend is a very large ask, not a small one. In his view it is not the nature of things that should be expected to just sort of happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s just a matter of time before she ghosts you because you were chattering with her DH in the kitchen about football, pickle ball, or something equally mundane.

She’s going to try to engineer the scenario where there are no women around him to cheat with, without understanding that that situation is impossible to create, and the problem will lie with him and their relationship rather than the other wooden. She will be the ball and chain rather than the equal partner she wants to be, because she doesn’t view women and men as equal.

You don’t love someone and demand they give up their friends, especially as a test to prove their love to you. That’s not love, sorry.

[Anonymous]

If a significant other tries to start controlling and supervising my relationships with my friends, I’d be “setting a boundary” with the significant other real fast. If the 15yo friends wanted to be together they would. We all need friends beyond our SO. We don’t need people policing that and I’d have no space for that in my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

NP and I also think this “forcing” thing isn’t going to work.
But my advice would be for HER to run, not him.

If he hasn’t already put the 15-year friendship in that WAAAYY backburner on his own, then OP is right—he isn’t thinking of fiancé as his bff and partner. If he were, he would have naturally and gradually sidelined fifteen-year friend without being asked.

This is OP. Yes I agree and I told my friend as much that if he isn't prioritizing you now then it's not going to get any better after marriage. I definitely agree with her stance on the situation but ultimately she can't "force" him to include her more in the friendship or dial back the intensity of it because this is something he has to do on his own.

I just can't imagine my own husband having that strong of a friendship with another woman that he would fight me tooth and nail when I asked him to dial it back. I don't think most straight men unless there were some deeper feelings would be texting another woman a lot, leaving his fiance out of the friendship , hanging out with her one on one unless it was his fiance/wife/gf or a female family member.

Those types of friendships when you're single may work but usually they dial back when you're in a relationship.

I mean my thing is if essentially the only thing that is different between this "friend" and his own fiance is him and his friend don't have sex then to me that's too much.

Men don’t think of friendship in that way, and indeed dropping your friends because you are in a relationship is viewed as a sign of low character/disloyalty among men. (Again, it’s different in the context of former girlfriends.) I know there are lots of women who sideline their friends when they are in a relationship, largely because I have female friends who have bitterly complained about it when it happens, but asking or expecting a man to drop a real friend is a very large ask, not a small one. In his view it is not the nature of things that should be expected to just sort of happen.

Shoot if only the amount of loyalty men are expected to display to their female friends displayed that same energy when it came to their serious romantic relationships especially once engagement/marriage hits.

It's funny how all of a sudden men wanna pull the loyalty card but then they are so fast to cheat on their actual romantic relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just another example of how friends can be your worse advisors.

No, OP, his new fiancee does not trump a 15 year relationship with a friend. You two sillies need to respect that friendships are valuable, and even though they might be with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going to happen.

I mean, if he was going to be balls deep in her it would have happened by now anyway.

Two reactions to that:
1-Not necessarily.
Maybe she has always been the one to indicate that “friend zone” is her boundary. But that doesn’t mean her idea about that won’t change when she sees that he is no longer an option and she is sad about losing her fallback guy

2-it’s not even about whether they were going to be physically intimate. The emotional intimacy is dangerous to a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just another example of how friends can be your worse advisors.

No, OP, his new fiancee does not trump a 15 year relationship with a friend. You two sillies need to respect that friendships are valuable, and even though they might be with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going to happen.

I mean, if he was going to be balls deep in her it would have happened by now anyway.

Two reactions to that:
1-Not necessarily.
Maybe she has always been the one to indicate that “friend zone” is her boundary. But that doesn’t mean her idea about that won’t change when she sees that he is no longer an option and she is sad about losing her fallback guy

2-it’s not even about whether they were going to be physically intimate. The emotional intimacy is dangerous to a marriage.

So then what is a female - female bestie relationship about outside of marriage? Can you explain what you REALLY mean by emotional intimacy because I highly doubt you mean talking to your female friends as a female. Why exactly do you worry about woman-man intimacy not women-women? If sex between the woman and man is off the table, why is this intimacy different?