What dog does he have in the fight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your man got defensive about cutting back on contact with a female friend he had for many years because you feel like once you are engaged to be married especially he shouldn't be constantly texting/calling other women that aren't his relatives? Would your alarm bells go off that he was more protective of and viewed the relationship with some female who is just a friend over that of his future wife?

I thank God have a husband who always puts me first and would never let anyone let alone some other woman (who isn't a relative) needs come before our relationship.

But one of my best friends was talking to me about this. Saying how she feels like her fiance gets highly defensive about still spending on one time with this friend of 15 years he has and how important their friendship is. They have been engaged for 6 months and dated for 2 years before that.

I asked her straight up to really and truly think about why he is going to the ends of this earth to protect this relationship with some other woman who he isn't about to marry and start a life with more than the feelings of his own future wife. Shouldn't his loyalty lie with his fiance over the need to continue this clearly over the top friendship. I don't know to me he isn't showing that he views my friend as the #1 woman his best friend.

My friend said she is going to discuss it with him more and have a CTJ talk with him this weekend.

I just can't believe some men are so blind. I just don't understand the dog he has in this fight to be more loyal to this other woman than his own future wife.

Sounds like he values the friendship and he’s trying to be loyal to himself.

What about valuing his wife's feelings though? And his relationship with his future wife?

Those feelings aren’t valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your future husband isn’t trustworthy enough to be left alone with a friend of 15 years then you shouldn’t be marrying them.

+ a million.

I can't imagine trying to control who my spouse can or cannot be friends with.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine tried this a month before the wedding. Her fiancé called her bluff and walked away. She spent months apologizing, begging her to do couples counseling. No dice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine tried this a month before the wedding. Her fiancé called her bluff and walked away. She spent months apologizing, begging her to do couples counseling. No dice.

Yeah that kind of behavior would be a relationship killer. There’s no coming back from that. Anyone who thinks this way will probably never get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

Not end just have healthy boundaries. Not hang out one on one with her. My response is why does he need to leave out his fiance when he hangs out with this woman what are they talking about so deeply with some other woman. I'm wondering if there is some sort of maybe not physical but emotional affair going on. Texting and calling constantly and hanging out one on one should be something that should be reserved for his fiance not any other woman unless it's his relative like his mom/sister or another female relative.

I think it's perfectly normal as to set up healthy boundaries in a heterosexual marriage between you and the opposite sex. Maybe when they were both single it was ok to have these solo dates or constant messaging but these things tends to fall to the wayside or not happen as often once you get into a serious relationship.

I guess my worry for my friend is that where is all this defensive energy focused into this other woman instead of doing everything he can to protect and show he values the relationship with his future wife.

Damn we expect men to put their finances/wives ahead of their own mothers certainly it shouldn't even be a contest who comes first a female friend or your own soon to be wife.

I am just trying to picture a scenario where my husband would just go off and be calling a female friend or be like I'm going to meet my friend Suzy for lunch but you aren't invited. I feel like once I'm in a committed relationship let alone engaged/married a woman friend of my man is going to become our friend. She shouldn't just be up my man's ass all the time. If it's a truly innocent friendship I would be able to be included in it right? After all it's strictly platonic.

What you describe is not a healthy expectation or healthy boundary. You are wrong. This isn’t up for debate or further discussion.

He is defensive because he understandably sees a HUGE red flag in her wanting him to limit/restrict and monitor his relationship with someone who has been an important part of his life far longer than she has.

Validating her absolutely ridiculous attitude and impulses about this isn’t doing her any favors.

Just because this other woman has been around longer makes her more important than his own fiance?

What if they got married and had kids she would always be in his life longer does that always mean she should be more important than him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your man got defensive about cutting back on contact with a female friend he had for many years because you feel like once you are engaged to be married especially he shouldn't be constantly texting/calling other women that aren't his relatives? Would your alarm bells go off that he was more protective of and viewed the relationship with some female who is just a friend over that of his future wife?

I thank God have a husband who always puts me first and would never let anyone let alone some other woman (who isn't a relative) needs come before our relationship.

But one of my best friends was talking to me about this. Saying how she feels like her fiance gets highly defensive about still spending on one time with this friend of 15 years he has and how important their friendship is. They have been engaged for 6 months and dated for 2 years before that.

I asked her straight up to really and truly think about why he is going to the ends of this earth to protect this relationship with some other woman who he isn't about to marry and start a life with more than the feelings of his own future wife. Shouldn't his loyalty lie with his fiance over the need to continue this clearly over the top friendship. I don't know to me he isn't showing that he views my friend as the #1 woman his best friend.

My friend said she is going to discuss it with him more and have a CTJ talk with him this weekend.

I just can't believe some men are so blind. I just don't understand the dog he has in this fight to be more loyal to this other woman than his own future wife.

Sounds like he values the friendship and he’s trying to be loyal to himself.

What about valuing his wife's feelings though? And his relationship with his future wife?

Those feelings aren’t valid.

Wait what? The feelings of your own future spouse aren't valid??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

Not end just have healthy boundaries. Not hang out one on one with her. My response is why does he need to leave out his fiance when he hangs out with this woman what are they talking about so deeply with some other woman. I'm wondering if there is some sort of maybe not physical but emotional affair going on. Texting and calling constantly and hanging out one on one should be something that should be reserved for his fiance not any other woman unless it's his relative like his mom/sister or another female relative.

I think it's perfectly normal as to set up healthy boundaries in a heterosexual marriage between you and the opposite sex. Maybe when they were both single it was ok to have these solo dates or constant messaging but these things tends to fall to the wayside or not happen as often once you get into a serious relationship.

I guess my worry for my friend is that where is all this defensive energy focused into this other woman instead of doing everything he can to protect and show he values the relationship with his future wife.

Damn we expect men to put their finances/wives ahead of their own mothers certainly it shouldn't even be a contest who comes first a female friend or your own soon to be wife.

I am just trying to picture a scenario where my husband would just go off and be calling a female friend or be like I'm going to meet my friend Suzy for lunch but you aren't invited. I feel like once I'm in a committed relationship let alone engaged/married a woman friend of my man is going to become our friend. She shouldn't just be up my man's ass all the time. If it's a truly innocent friendship I would be able to be included in it right? After all it's strictly platonic.

What you describe is not a healthy expectation or healthy boundary. You are wrong. This isn’t up for debate or further discussion.

He is defensive because he understandably sees a HUGE red flag in her wanting him to limit/restrict and monitor his relationship with someone who has been an important part of his life far longer than she has.

Validating her absolutely ridiculous attitude and impulses about this isn’t doing her any favors. [/quote

People talk about healthy boundaries in opposite sex friendships all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

Not end just have healthy boundaries. Not hang out one on one with her. My response is why does he need to leave out his fiance when he hangs out with this woman what are they talking about so deeply with some other woman. I'm wondering if there is some sort of maybe not physical but emotional affair going on. Texting and calling constantly and hanging out one on one should be something that should be reserved for his fiance not any other woman unless it's his relative like his mom/sister or another female relative.

I think it's perfectly normal as to set up healthy boundaries in a heterosexual marriage between you and the opposite sex. Maybe when they were both single it was ok to have these solo dates or constant messaging but these things tends to fall to the wayside or not happen as often once you get into a serious relationship.

I guess my worry for my friend is that where is all this defensive energy focused into this other woman instead of doing everything he can to protect and show he values the relationship with his future wife.

Damn we expect men to put their finances/wives ahead of their own mothers certainly it shouldn't even be a contest who comes first a female friend or your own soon to be wife.

I am just trying to picture a scenario where my husband would just go off and be calling a female friend or be like I'm going to meet my friend Suzy for lunch but you aren't invited. I feel like once I'm in a committed relationship let alone engaged/married a woman friend of my man is going to become our friend. She shouldn't just be up my man's ass all the time. If it's a truly innocent friendship I would be able to be included in it right? After all it's strictly platonic.

What you describe is not a healthy expectation or healthy boundary. You are wrong. This isn’t up for debate or further discussion.

He is defensive because he understandably sees a HUGE red flag in her wanting him to limit/restrict and monitor his relationship with someone who has been an important part of his life far longer than she has.

Validating her absolutely ridiculous attitude and impulses about this isn’t doing her any favors.

Just because this other woman has been around longer makes her more important than his own fiance?

What if they got married and had kids she would always be in his life longer does that always mean she should be more important than him

It isn’t a question of “more important.”

It is a question of one partner trying to police/control another and having completely unreasonable expectations about how they should conduct their other interpersonal relationships. That is disqualifying behavior on its face. My guess is the man is defensive because he knows this, realizes he now needs to break off the relationship because of the demand, and is trying to figure out how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your man got defensive about cutting back on contact with a female friend he had for many years because you feel like once you are engaged to be married especially he shouldn't be constantly texting/calling other women that aren't his relatives? Would your alarm bells go off that he was more protective of and viewed the relationship with some female who is just a friend over that of his future wife?

I thank God have a husband who always puts me first and would never let anyone let alone some other woman (who isn't a relative) needs come before our relationship.

But one of my best friends was talking to me about this. Saying how she feels like her fiance gets highly defensive about still spending on one time with this friend of 15 years he has and how important their friendship is. They have been engaged for 6 months and dated for 2 years before that.

I asked her straight up to really and truly think about why he is going to the ends of this earth to protect this relationship with some other woman who he isn't about to marry and start a life with more than the feelings of his own future wife. Shouldn't his loyalty lie with his fiance over the need to continue this clearly over the top friendship. I don't know to me he isn't showing that he views my friend as the #1 woman his best friend.

My friend said she is going to discuss it with him more and have a CTJ talk with him this weekend.

I just can't believe some men are so blind. I just don't understand the dog he has in this fight to be more loyal to this other woman than his own future wife.

Sounds like he values the friendship and he’s trying to be loyal to himself.

What about valuing his wife's feelings though? And his relationship with his future wife?

Those feelings aren’t valid.

Wait what? The feelings of your own future spouse aren't valid??

Not these feelings. They aren’t valid. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

Not end just have healthy boundaries. Not hang out one on one with her. My response is why does he need to leave out his fiance when he hangs out with this woman what are they talking about so deeply with some other woman. I'm wondering if there is some sort of maybe not physical but emotional affair going on. Texting and calling constantly and hanging out one on one should be something that should be reserved for his fiance not any other woman unless it's his relative like his mom/sister or another female relative.

I think it's perfectly normal as to set up healthy boundaries in a heterosexual marriage between you and the opposite sex. Maybe when they were both single it was ok to have these solo dates or constant messaging but these things tends to fall to the wayside or not happen as often once you get into a serious relationship.

I guess my worry for my friend is that where is all this defensive energy focused into this other woman instead of doing everything he can to protect and show he values the relationship with his future wife.

Damn we expect men to put their finances/wives ahead of their own mothers certainly it shouldn't even be a contest who comes first a female friend or your own soon to be wife.

I am just trying to picture a scenario where my husband would just go off and be calling a female friend or be like I'm going to meet my friend Suzy for lunch but you aren't invited. I feel like once I'm in a committed relationship let alone engaged/married a woman friend of my man is going to become our friend. She shouldn't just be up my man's ass all the time. If it's a truly innocent friendship I would be able to be included in it right? After all it's strictly platonic.

What you describe is not a healthy expectation or healthy boundary. You are wrong. This isn’t up for debate or further discussion.

He is defensive because he understandably sees a HUGE red flag in her wanting him to limit/restrict and monitor his relationship with someone who has been an important part of his life far longer than she has.

Validating her absolutely ridiculous attitude and impulses about this isn’t doing her any favors. [/quote

People talk about healthy boundaries in opposite sex friendships all the time.

What you are advocating for isn’t “healthy boundaries.” It’s actually the opposite and borders on abuse.

[Anonymous]

Just another example of how friends can be your worse advisors.

No, OP, his new fiancee does not trump a 15 year relationship with a friend. You two sillies need to respect that friendships are valuable, and even though they might be with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just another example of how friends can be your worse advisors.

No, OP, his new fiancee does not trump a 15 year relationship with a friend. You two sillies need to respect that friendships are valuable, and even though they might be with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going to happen.

I mean, if he was going to be balls deep in her it would have happened by now anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

Not end just have healthy boundaries. Not hang out one on one with her. My response is why does he need to leave out his fiance when he hangs out with this woman what are they talking about so deeply with some other woman. I'm wondering if there is some sort of maybe not physical but emotional affair going on. Texting and calling constantly and hanging out one on one should be something that should be reserved for his fiance not any other woman unless it's his relative like his mom/sister or another female relative.

I think it's perfectly normal as to set up healthy boundaries in a heterosexual marriage between you and the opposite sex. Maybe when they were both single it was ok to have these solo dates or constant messaging but these things tends to fall to the wayside or not happen as often once you get into a serious relationship.

I guess my worry for my friend is that where is all this defensive energy focused into this other woman instead of doing everything he can to protect and show he values the relationship with his future wife.

Damn we expect men to put their finances/wives ahead of their own mothers certainly it shouldn't even be a contest who comes first a female friend or your own soon to be wife.

I am just trying to picture a scenario where my husband would just go off and be calling a female friend or be like I'm going to meet my friend Suzy for lunch but you aren't invited. I feel like once I'm in a committed relationship let alone engaged/married a woman friend of my man is going to become our friend. She shouldn't just be up my man's ass all the time. If it's a truly innocent friendship I would be able to be included in it right? After all it's strictly platonic.

What you describe is not a healthy expectation or healthy boundary. You are wrong. This isn’t up for debate or further discussion.

He is defensive because he understandably sees a HUGE red flag in her wanting him to limit/restrict and monitor his relationship with someone who has been an important part of his life far longer than she has.

Validating her absolutely ridiculous attitude and impulses about this isn’t doing her any favors.

Just because this other woman has been around longer makes her more important than his own fiance?

What if they got married and had kids she would always be in his life longer does that always mean she should be more important than him

Time doesn’t equal importance. He is (was) marrying only one of them. Why are you so insecure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just another example of how friends can be your worse advisors.

No, OP, his new fiancee does not trump a 15 year relationship with a friend. You two sillies need to respect that friendships are valuable, and even though they might be with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going to happen.

It's unnecessary to put that she is a new fiance it doesn't make them any less engaged and how is the person you are about to make vows to and spend the rest of your life with. This board is filled with ppl saying your spouse comes first even above parents. So certainly above a female friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just another example of how friends can be your worse advisors.

No, OP, his new fiancee does not trump a 15 year relationship with a friend. You two sillies need to respect that friendships are valuable, and even though they might be with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean anything untoward is going to happen.

It's unnecessary to put that she is a new fiance it doesn't make them any less engaged and how is the person you are about to make vows to and spend the rest of your life with. This board is filled with ppl saying your spouse comes first even above parents. So certainly above a female friend [/quote

How is she more important than the person you are literally coming to spend the rest of your life with*