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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
What dog does he have in the fight?
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Anonymous
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Men, please take note:
If you don't have any female friends, you are suspect. If you are too close with your female friends, you are suspect. Good luck! |
Anonymous
Your context is a little different though. Your spouse's female friend reached out to you as well and respected your relationship. She didn't just invite your spouse to dinner and she reached out to both of you so texting him one on one once in a while is fine. But from what my friend is telling me this woman shows no regard for the fact her fiance is engaged, never reached out to her, still continually just texts him, invited just him out. There's a huge difference there. I think it's on the female friend to respect the relationship because ultimately that spousal relationship is more important so that falls on the female friend to act accordingly and extend the friendship to her as well and be inclusive |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| The man in this equation shouldn't be thinking about being "loyal" to his "future wife"; he should be thinking about whether or not he really wants to be married to someone who wants to control his friendships. My DH has many female friends, some from a big friend group he's known for over 20 years, and some from work. I encourage these friendships, I don't try to put the kabash on them. We've been together 20 years, and nothing bad has ever come to pass with any of these female friends. |
Anonymous
Plenty more like this https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/mar/06/beware-the-man-with-no-female-friends |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous]The man in this equation shouldn't be thinking about being "loyal" to his "future wife"; he should be thinking about whether or not he really wants to be married to someone who wants to control his friendships. My DH has many female friends, some from a big friend group he's known for over 20 years, and some from work. I encourage these friendships, I don't try to put the kabash on them. We've been together 20 years, and nothing bad has ever come to pass with any of these female friends. [/quote]
That's fair but also in the other direction it's also on him to still put his wife to be first and include her a little more in these friendships reassure her if everything. Everyone gets insecure at times. This woman has used my friend's fiance as her personal sounding board when she broke up with her boyfriend. My friend was pissed because she was like my fiance shouldn't be some other woman's emotional support person. That's where boundaries need to come into play. Once a guy becomes an emotional support person for another woman especially when she just went through a bad breakup she is vulnerable he is reassuring her naturally that she is amazing and he didn't deserve her and that's how emotional affairs can develop. I'm not saying they are planning this on purpose or they have this whole elaborate game plan but they happen innocently. Suzie is using Johnny as a sounding board for, "why did Bobby dump me I'm so sad?" Soon before you know it Johnny is reminding Suzie of all her good qualities and then things can escalate. My friend's issue was those are the type of things you typically go to your girlfriends for other women or your family not another engaged man to be your emotional sounding board. That's just not cool at all. |
Anonymous
| This man needs to run from his crazy fiancé and her even crazier friends. Of course a 15 year friendship trumps some jealous psycho. |
Anonymous
How does another woman trump someone's fiance? |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The man in this equation shouldn't be thinking about being "loyal" to his "future wife"; he should be thinking about whether or not he really wants to be married to someone who wants to control his friendships. My DH has many female friends, some from a big friend group he's known for over 20 years, and some from work. I encourage these friendships, I don't try to put the kabash on them. We've been together 20 years, and nothing bad has ever come to pass with any of these female friends. [/quote]
That's fair but also in the other direction it's also on him to still put his wife to be first and include her a little more in these friendships reassure her if everything. Everyone gets insecure at times. This woman has used my friend's fiance as her personal sounding board when she broke up with her boyfriend. My friend was pissed because she was like my fiance shouldn't be some other woman's emotional support person. That's where boundaries need to come into play. [b]Once a guy becomes an emotional support person for another woman especially when she just went through a bad breakup she is vulnerable he is reassuring her naturally that she is amazing and he didn't deserve her and that's how emotional affairs can develop. I'm not saying they are planning this on purpose or they have this whole elaborate game plan but they happen innocently. Suzie is using Johnny as a sounding board for, "why did Bobby dump me I'm so sad?" Soon before you know it Johnny is reminding Suzie of all her good qualities and then things can escalate. [/b] [b]My friend's issue was those are the type of things you typically go to your girlfriends for other women or your family not another engaged man to be your emotional sounding board. That's just not cool at all[/b]. [/quote] PP here. Meh. "Those are the type of things" you typically go to your friends for. Full stop. I don't agree that we need to gender an appropriate support system. And as for your point that things can "escalate" -- that sounds a bit paranoid to me, absent additional aggravating circumstances (like he always liked her but she was in another relationship, she has always secretly wanted him, or whatever). I suppose it is possible that things can "escalate," but if that is an obvious and big risk, then your friend has a bigger problem than a fiancé with female friends -- such as her fiancé wanting this friend more than he wants her. That is a separate issue from a man having a friend that needs support. |
Anonymous
| Run Forrest run! |
Anonymous
| What really makes no sense is why she continues to date and get engaged to someone that does something that makes her so uncomfortable? She should have just dumped the guy years ago. It doesn’t really matter if we think she’s a psycho or we think he might want to cheat on her. They are not compatible. And it is nuts to get engaged and then try to pull some big “ultimatum” on behavior she has put up with for more than 2 years. |
Anonymous
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Does the female friend have a partner? In my experience, the best couple friendships start when it was a male/female friendship first. And even if she doesn't now, she may soon.
In any event, I would trust my gut. What is that bonds them? I have a childhood friend who is interested in the same kind of intellectual pursuits that I am; that's what bonds us. I had a male friend because we were the two first year teachers in the department*. You can bond with someone without wanting to get in their pants. My husband has always had female friends. Unfortunately, he did have an affair several years ago (with a new acquaintance, not a long time friend), and so he's become much stricter about how he'll see his female friends and sticks to group outings in order to avoid any situations that would make me worry. Still, he had drinks with his business partner the other night and that didn't faze me at all because I know her and her husband and understand why they needed to go over things at that time. I don't want to be married to Mike Pence. Although I've been talking about male/female heterosexual relationships, there are so many varied expressions of sexuality, and just because someone might be attractive to your mate or vice versa doesn't mean they're going to wind up in bed. I love my childhood friend dearly (as a friend, obvs) and I would not want someone's projected insecurity to kill our friendship. The trust you need to have is in your partner, not necessarily that they will never be tempted or attracted, but that they will be an adult and will work on their boundaries, self-awareness, and transparency so as to avoid jeopardizing your relationship. If you can't trust them to do that, then you have control issues. The truth is that you can't protect yourself from all types of hurt; you can only trust in yourself and your ability to overcome hard things. *His fiance was really jealous even though I'd had a boyfriend for five years, and she wouldn't let him hang out with me, and then when she dumped him it turned out that she'd killed all of his friendships so he didn't have anyone to call except me . . . I started to dread those nightly calls of him crying, lol. Happily, he met someone awesome who wasn't jealous and we became great couple friends with them. Unhappily, he died young of cancer. His widow did meet a nice divorced guy and got to have kids. |
Anonymous
Agreed. You sound immature and controlling. Your choice of words is hyperbolic. Stay out of your friend’s relationship. |
Anonymous
Why are you pitting them against each other? It is not an “either/or” |
Anonymous
NP. Anyone who sees relationships that competitively isn't someone you should be marrying. |