What dog does he have in the fight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sort of torn on this one, and I think the details matter. The reality is that I would probably have never dated long term and gotten engaged to someone that was “constantly texting” anyone — male or female. So, I’m not sure that that phrase really means in this context. I like being someone’s primary relationship. I have a number of close friends, but I don’t constantly call or text them either.

That said, my husband was in his late 30s when I met him, and he had at two long standing female relationships. One married and one still single (still single 20 years later). But I never, ever felt threatened by these women. They are both now my friends. I think they generally communicate with both of us to invite to dinner, etc. I’m sure they have some contact 1:1 via text, but not all the time. And if I’m not available for dinner, I don’t care if he goes with one of them without me.

I think you should pay attention to how much time your potential spouse spends with other people — and I don’t even mean for cheating. If my husband wanted to hang out with the dudes and party all weekend long, that wouldn’t work for me either. And I have a super social, mega extrovert husband who has lots of friends. But he understands that his primary focus is at our home.

Your context is a little different though. Your spouse's female friend reached out to you as well and respected your relationship. She didn't just invite your spouse to dinner and she reached out to both of you so texting him one on one once in a while is fine.

But from what my friend is telling me this woman shows no regard for the fact her fiance is engaged, never reached out to her, still continually just texts him, invited just him out. There's a huge difference there. I think it's on the female friend to respect the relationship because ultimately that spousal relationship is more important so that falls on the female friend to act accordingly and extend the friendship to her as well and be inclusive

I wonder how many times his male friends have reached out to her, invited her on boys night out, and were making efforts to be inclusive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sort of torn on this one, and I think the details matter. The reality is that I would probably have never dated long term and gotten engaged to someone that was “constantly texting” anyone — male or female. So, I’m not sure that that phrase really means in this context. I like being someone’s primary relationship. I have a number of close friends, but I don’t constantly call or text them either.

That said, my husband was in his late 30s when I met him, and he had at two long standing female relationships. One married and one still single (still single 20 years later). But I never, ever felt threatened by these women. They are both now my friends. I think they generally communicate with both of us to invite to dinner, etc. I’m sure they have some contact 1:1 via text, but not all the time. And if I’m not available for dinner, I don’t care if he goes with one of them without me.

I think you should pay attention to how much time your potential spouse spends with other people — and I don’t even mean for cheating. If my husband wanted to hang out with the dudes and party all weekend long, that wouldn’t work for me either. And I have a super social, mega extrovert husband who has lots of friends. But he understands that his primary focus is at our home.

Your context is a little different though. Your spouse's female friend reached out to you as well and respected your relationship. She didn't just invite your spouse to dinner and she reached out to both of you so texting him one on one once in a while is fine.

But from what my friend is telling me this woman shows no regard for the fact her fiance is engaged, never reached out to her, still continually just texts him, invited just him out. There's a huge difference there. I think it's on the female friend to respect the relationship because ultimately that spousal relationship is more important so that falls on the female friend to act accordingly and extend the friendship to her as well and be inclusive

I wonder how many times his male friends have reached out to her, invited her on boys night out, and were making efforts to be inclusive?

I wonder how many of his male friends are controlling and demand he not see her unless they chaperone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sort of torn on this one, and I think the details matter. The reality is that I would probably have never dated long term and gotten engaged to someone that was “constantly texting” anyone — male or female. So, I’m not sure that that phrase really means in this context. I like being someone’s primary relationship. I have a number of close friends, but I don’t constantly call or text them either.

That said, my husband was in his late 30s when I met him, and he had at two long standing female relationships. One married and one still single (still single 20 years later). But I never, ever felt threatened by these women. They are both now my friends. I think they generally communicate with both of us to invite to dinner, etc. I’m sure they have some contact 1:1 via text, but not all the time. And if I’m not available for dinner, I don’t care if he goes with one of them without me.

I think you should pay attention to how much time your potential spouse spends with other people — and I don’t even mean for cheating. If my husband wanted to hang out with the dudes and party all weekend long, that wouldn’t work for me either. And I have a super social, mega extrovert husband who has lots of friends. But he understands that his primary focus is at our home.

Your context is a little different though. Your spouse's female friend reached out to you as well and respected your relationship. She didn't just invite your spouse to dinner and she reached out to both of you so texting him one on one once in a while is fine.

But from what my friend is telling me this woman shows no regard for the fact her fiance is engaged, never reached out to her, still continually just texts him, invited just him out. There's a huge difference there. I think it's on the female friend to respect the relationship because ultimately that spousal relationship is more important so that falls on the female friend to act accordingly and extend the friendship to her as well and be inclusive

I wonder how many times his male friends have reached out to her, invited her on boys night out, and were making efforts to be inclusive?

Oh please you know that's a whole different thing this isn't someone of the desirable sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sort of torn on this one, and I think the details matter. The reality is that I would probably have never dated long term and gotten engaged to someone that was “constantly texting” anyone — male or female. So, I’m not sure that that phrase really means in this context. I like being someone’s primary relationship. I have a number of close friends, but I don’t constantly call or text them either.

That said, my husband was in his late 30s when I met him, and he had at two long standing female relationships. One married and one still single (still single 20 years later). But I never, ever felt threatened by these women. They are both now my friends. I think they generally communicate with both of us to invite to dinner, etc. I’m sure they have some contact 1:1 via text, but not all the time. And if I’m not available for dinner, I don’t care if he goes with one of them without me.

I think you should pay attention to how much time your potential spouse spends with other people — and I don’t even mean for cheating. If my husband wanted to hang out with the dudes and party all weekend long, that wouldn’t work for me either. And I have a super social, mega extrovert husband who has lots of friends. But he understands that his primary focus is at our home.

Your context is a little different though. Your spouse's female friend reached out to you as well and respected your relationship. She didn't just invite your spouse to dinner and she reached out to both of you so texting him one on one once in a while is fine.

But from what my friend is telling me this woman shows no regard for the fact her fiance is engaged, never reached out to her, still continually just texts him, invited just him out. There's a huge difference there. I think it's on the female friend to respect the relationship because ultimately that spousal relationship is more important so that falls on the female friend to act accordingly and extend the friendship to her as well and be inclusive

I wonder how many times his male friends have reached out to her, invited her on boys night out, and were making efforts to be inclusive?

Oh please you know that's a whole different thing this isn't someone of the desirable sex

At this rate the future husband would have better luck finding a male partner than a controlling female.

[Anonymous]

https://thepleasantrelationship.com/signs-of-a-controlling-woman/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men, please take note:

If you don't have any female friends, you are suspect.

If you are too close with your female friends, you are suspect.

Good luck!

I never heard a man being suspect because he has no female friends WTH are you talking about

I would never marry a man with no female friends. To me that illustrates that he doesn’t see women as full human beings. The world is more than half women and he can’t find one to be friends with? Hell to the no.

[Anonymous]

What dog do YOU have in this fight, OP? Frankly if I were the soon to be DH in this scenario, I would demand that your friend cut you out of her life—you are a pernicious, toxic force in her life and she shouldn’t be blabbing about her relationship to you. Basically you are your friend’s emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else think there is no ‘friend’ and op is just the insecure controlling fiancé?

I agree with the pp who said she should have dumped him when he was ‘constantly texting’ his female friend for the past 2.5 years. But she has no right to issue an ultimatum now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think there is no ‘friend’ and op is just the insecure controlling fiancé?

I agree with the pp who said she should have dumped him when he was ‘constantly texting’ his female friend for the past 2.5 years. But she has no right to issue an ultimatum now.

Definitely! Way too involved to be a “friend”.

[Anonymous]

NP if I had a very good male friend for 15 years and my fiancé told me to stop any contact with him I’d be worried about his insecurities and what it might mean in the future. I’ve been married 22 years and I have a couple of male friends whom I’ve know since HS and my husband couldn’t care less. He knew about them before we got married and they were at our wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think there is no ‘friend’ and op is just the insecure controlling fiancé?

I agree with the pp who said she should have dumped him when he was ‘constantly texting’ his female friend for the past 2.5 years. But she has no right to issue an ultimatum now.

Definitely! Way too involved to be a “friend”.

We have been friends for 25 years since 3rd grade we are more like sisters. You don't care about your friends?

[Anonymous]

If he wanted to be with his friend don’t you think he would’ve done it already? Why so insecure OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else think there is no ‘friend’ and op is just the insecure controlling fiancé?

I agree with the pp who said she should have dumped him when he was ‘constantly texting’ his female friend for the past 2.5 years. But she has no right to issue an ultimatum now.

Definitely! Way too involved to be a “friend”.

We have been friends for 25 years since 3rd grade we are more like sisters. You don't care about your friends?

You give terrible advice for being like a sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your man got defensive about cutting back on contact with a female friend he had for many years because you feel like once you are engaged to be married especially he shouldn't be constantly texting/calling other women that aren't his relatives? Would your alarm bells go off that he was more protective of and viewed the relationship with some female who is just a friend over that of his future wife?

I thank God have a husband who always puts me first and would never let anyone let alone some other woman (who isn't a relative) needs come before our relationship.

But one of my best friends was talking to me about this. Saying how she feels like her fiance gets highly defensive about still spending on one time with this friend of 15 years he has and how important their friendship is. They have been engaged for 6 months and dated for 2 years before that.

I asked her straight up to really and truly think about why he is going to the ends of this earth to protect this relationship with some other woman who he isn't about to marry and start a life with more than the feelings of his own future wife. Shouldn't his loyalty lie with his fiance over the need to continue this clearly over the top friendship. I don't know to me he isn't showing that he views my friend as the #1 woman his best friend.

My friend said she is going to discuss it with him more and have a CTJ talk with him this weekend.

I just can't believe some men are so blind. I just don't understand the dog he has in this fight to be more loyal to this other woman than his own future wife.

Your friend is a toxic twat and he should end it with her out of principle.

Come to Jesus? He should give her the what for and tell her to get lost.

Trying to restrict who your partner has contact with is NOT how couples behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to force him to end a 15 year friendship?

He needs to run, fast.

Not end just have healthy boundaries. Not hang out one on one with her. My response is why does he need to leave out his fiance when he hangs out with this woman what are they talking about so deeply with some other woman. I'm wondering if there is some sort of maybe not physical but emotional affair going on. Texting and calling constantly and hanging out one on one should be something that should be reserved for his fiance not any other woman unless it's his relative like his mom/sister or another female relative.

I think it's perfectly normal as to set up healthy boundaries in a heterosexual marriage between you and the opposite sex. Maybe when they were both single it was ok to have these solo dates or constant messaging but these things tends to fall to the wayside or not happen as often once you get into a serious relationship.

I guess my worry for my friend is that where is all this defensive energy focused into this other woman instead of doing everything he can to protect and show he values the relationship with his future wife.

Damn we expect men to put their finances/wives ahead of their own mothers certainly it shouldn't even be a contest who comes first a female friend or your own soon to be wife.

I am just trying to picture a scenario where my husband would just go off and be calling a female friend or be like I'm going to meet my friend Suzy for lunch but you aren't invited. I feel like once I'm in a committed relationship let alone engaged/married a woman friend of my man is going to become our friend. She shouldn't just be up my man's ass all the time. If it's a truly innocent friendship I would be able to be included in it right? After all it's strictly platonic.

What you describe is not a healthy expectation or healthy boundary. You are wrong. This isn’t up for debate or further discussion.

He is defensive because he understandably sees a HUGE red flag in her wanting him to limit/restrict and monitor his relationship with someone who has been an important part of his life far longer than she has.

Validating her absolutely ridiculous attitude and impulses about this isn’t doing her any favors.