If you had an extremely, extremely difficult first baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely believe there are parents who have very difficult babies. But I also know that there are parents who simply have a really tough time adjusting their lives to a baby and assume the baby itself is the problem.

FWIW, I'd wager more folks on here have encountered parents who fall in the latter category as opposed to the former and, as a result, resist the idea of truly difficult babies. Not an excuse, just an observation.

As someone whose first child had (undiscovered) medical issues that made sleep virtually impossible for the first 9 months, among other miserable issues, I totally agree. I learned not to mention anything to most people because their advice was comical. They definitely thought I was just lazy, didn't know what I was doing or a combination of the two. Having a 'normal' second baby has been so freeing.

What type of medical issue causes a baby to not sleep for 9 months?

I read this as sleep for the parents was virtually impossible.

Yes, this. Baby woke every 30-45 minutes all through the night and took hours to go to sleep. Undiscovered milk allergy until 6 months (none of the normal symptoms showed up until he randomly had blood in his stool one day) and then had a cyst in his intestine that eventually caused a total bowel blockage requiring emergency surgery. Awful, awful first year.

When I read "couldn't sleep for 9 months" I thought, "It must have been a milk allergy" because I went through the same thing. It is brutal, and nobody gets it. "You're spoiling the baby by holding them for naps", "Let them cry it out" , "Just put them on a schedule!" all things people "helpfully" told me.

I admire that you were brave enough to go for that second baby after living through that nightmare. Did you cut dairy at some point in your pregnancy as a preventative measure? Did your kid outgrow his milk allergy?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and for each one the baby stage was easier than the one before it. My first was very difficult in terms of waking 3-4x overnight for 2 years & sleeping a max of 12 hours/day ever. She is still low sleep needs as a 9 year old. I’m honestly not sure if it is purely happenstance that each got easier or the later ones somehow detected my lower anxiety or if experience just made me less anxious even though everything was actually the same. But there is no question that each was easier than the last. They are all also very different, so I wouldn’t assume past is prologue for you.

All that said, I don’t think any of the above applies if there are actually underlying medical issues. That is obviously not caused by parental anxiety and would be hard no matter what. That’s a crapshoot though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids and for each one the baby stage was easier than the one before it. My first was very difficult in terms of waking 3-4x overnight for 2 years & sleeping a max of 12 hours/day ever. She is still low sleep needs as a 9 year old. I’m honestly not sure if it is purely happenstance that each got easier or the later ones somehow detected my lower anxiety or if experience just made me less anxious even though everything was actually the same. But there is no question that each was easier than the last. They are all also very different, so I wouldn’t assume past is prologue for you.

All that said, I don’t think any of the above applies if there are actually underlying medical issues. That is obviously not caused by parental anxiety and would be hard no matter what. That’s a crapshoot though.

This happened with my three and I’ve had the same thoughts about anxiety and comfort being a mom and caretaking. Hard to say if it’s the tail wagging the dog or the other way around because a crying baby who doesn’t sleep will make most people anxious and stressed.

[Anonymous]

You have to know it’s a roll of the dice. Baby 2 may be harder. May be easier. May have a disability or special needs. Having a baby is a roll of the dice and there are no guarantees. You have to want it, despite that truth. Only you know if you want it. We did, and baby 2 was harder, but I knew in my heart I wanted a second child and would be on my deathbed regretting it if we had not at least tried. Think of yourself in 30-40 years. Will you regret it if you don’t try?

[Anonymous]

Imagine telling your 9 year old that they never got a sibling because they were so difficult when they were an infant.

Sorry, in most cases, I don't think an only child situation is the ideal upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine telling your 9 year old that they never got a sibling because they were so difficult when they were an infant.

Sorry, in most cases, I don't think an only child situation is the ideal upbringing.

OP and I totally agree it’s not ideal or what we want. I don’t plan to ever tell my child until/unless she has kids and can understand better how difficult she was as a baby because I don’t want her to feel guilty. For me it’s not a matter of not wanting the discomfort of another terrible baby. It’s that she was so bad (mostly sleep) that I was not a good mother to her the first year because we were utterly crippled by the sleep deprivation. I don’t want to do that (or worse) to another child. Feels selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine telling your 9 year old that they never got a sibling because they were so difficult when they were an infant.

Sorry, in most cases, I don't think an only child situation is the ideal upbringing.

Why "in most cases" are single-child parents not providing their child an "ideal upbringing"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine telling your 9 year old that they never got a sibling because they were so difficult when they were an infant.

Sorry, in most cases, I don't think an only child situation is the ideal upbringing.

Why "in most cases" are single-child parents not providing their child an "ideal upbringing"?

Just google “is being an only child ideal?” I’m sure you’ll find a few things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine telling your 9 year old that they never got a sibling because they were so difficult when they were an infant.

Sorry, in most cases, I don't think an only child situation is the ideal upbringing.

Why "in most cases" are single-child parents not providing their child an "ideal upbringing"?

Just google “is being an only child ideal?” I’m sure you’ll find a few things.

I asked for PP to explain their opinion; I didn't ask for a homework assignment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to side track this, but for people who say their baby wouldn’t take a bottle - I just don’t get it.

I am pregnant with my first so zero experience. And my mom claims I was this way.

But two questions:

(1) did you try introducing bottle in first 2 weeks of life? That is what my night nurse who I am hiring told me we’d do … exactly to avoid this outcome.

(2) if you didn’t do (1) - which does seem to be a big issue) - what happens if you just don’t feed except offering bottle. Like why can’t you just….make it happen? I know that sounds profoundly ignorant in some ways but in other ways, I’m sorry, but won’t the baby eventually just give it a try out of …. Hunger?

Not taking a bottle literally won’t work in my lifestyle so my child would starve. I don’t get it.

My baby didn't latch on anything for the first two weeks -- we syringe fed her. She finally latched on the breast at around 3-4 weeks. Then when I went back to work at 4 months, she wouldn't take a bottle. We started at 3 months what you're suggesting -- I left the house and my husband offered a bottle. "Healthy babies don't let themselves starve," the pediatrician said. Well, the pediatrician had never met my baby, I guess, because she went 12 hours without eating (or drinking) before we got worried about dehydration and I came home and nursed her. We tried that several times before we gave up.

Your questions come across as very judgmental. It's easy to know all the things when you're pregnant -- wait until you have an actual baby.

I mean, I acknowledged my ignorance in my post. I am not saying I KNOW or that I am judging responses.

But you do realize the logical conclusion of what you are saying? What about a baby that never had a Mom??? Like…that baby would definitionally starve? All the single Dads or gay male couples? What are they doing?

I guess I just have to believe this can be managed up front.

These babies get feeding tubes. Trust me, I’ve been there.

[Anonymous]

I’m a career nanny and NCS expecting my first and I’ve cared dozens and dozens of babies.

Some babies are just REALLY difficult and it has zero to do with parenting, sleep training method or when you introduce a bottle. They’re just difficult babies. Some grow out of it, some are difficult forever.

Absolutely wild to me when parents will confidently make statements about other peoples kids based on their very limited experience with their own.

“I don’t believe a baby would refuse a bottle”

Well believe it, go talk to the speech therapist/feeding therapist who specialize in bottle and feeding aversions.

[Anonymous]

I had a very difficult pregnancy and first year.
We wanted to go for a second when the first was around 4-5 but the fear of another terrible experience made us change our minds. We ended up NOT trying.
Besides the anxiety of a repeated experience was the fear of not being able to properly provide for the first kid as the those 2 years were soooo hard.
Kid is now 10, we are a happy family of 3, it was the right decision for us.

[Anonymous]

I was pretty traumatized but did want another child. We waited and then conceived when he was about 3, so the kids are 4 years apart. I could absolutely not have had a second kid earlier without falling apart. Things were pretty stabilized by then, and I felt more rested after all the sleep loss.

Years later, the older one is still very difficult (love him, but he is not an easy person to be around). The second child is quiet easy-going and a ray of sunshine in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Any “difficult” baby or poor sleeper likely has silent reflux.

[Anonymous]

For so many reasons, we waited until our first was 4 to start trying for #2

Went through several years of secondary infertility.

Only willing to try IUI after 3 years. Got pregnant on cycle 2, but miscarried at 10 weeks.

Holidays plus marriage crisis end of year, but finally decided to try IUI after new year (our clinic had a 3 cycle package-had done one full package, were going to pay for another 3 tries)

Waited for period in January, and it didn’t show. After 3.5 years, I thought my body was just messing with me. Took a test to prove that theory and got the shocking result that I was indeed pregnant - I actually shook the test, thinking the “not” on the digital screen had to be malfunctioning

My girls are 8.5 years apart. And both challenges. We muddle through. First is about to graduate HS