If you had an extremely, extremely difficult first baby

[Anonymous]

Did you stop at one or go on to have another? How did you get over the fear and trauma from your first? Was there a certain age gap that you think helped?

[Anonymous]

Define extremely extremely difficult.

Mine really didn't sleep. No blocks longer than 2-3 hours for first 9 months. It was torture and sent me into an anxiety spiral. I wouldn't say aggressive crying though or colic.

I waited 3+years and yes had another one and that baby was much easier. (Slept a lot better.) I had a lot of fear of having a newborn again.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. My 2nd was like this and I always say if she was my first, she would have been my last. The good news is my first was a great baby and they're all different.

[Anonymous]

I had a difficult baby who still is low-sleep needs as a 3-year-old.

We are one and done.

If I could press a button and get an easy baby - sure. But we can't face again the difficult-baby stage which lasted ~20 months. It would destroy us, especially with an older kid to also parent.

[Anonymous]

My first was a poor sleeper and a defiant toddler. It took constant vigilance just to keep him safe. We were seriously scared from some of his antics. I don't think we could have pulled the trigger on deliberately getting pregnant again, but we got lucky and had an "oops" second baby, who's as chill as could be. They're now 9 and 6 and the best buddies, despite vastly different temperaments.

[Anonymous]

Very difficult baby. Allergies, sleep issues, etc. We stopped at one. She’s 17. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we had a second. I didn't feel "trauma". I felt exhaustion.

[Anonymous]

First baby was extremely colicky, spit up like a horror movie for 6.5 months and didn't sleep. We had our second when they were 2. Second baby was a dream sleeper, eater, non spitter. Currently number 2 is the more "difficult" child, but I think it's just because they are younger. Happy they have each other now that they are older.

[Anonymous]

My first was born at 32 weeks and had a difficult first year, then was diagnosed with a global developmental delay and was in intensive therapies. I had trauma from that birth, which itself was physically and psychologically hard.

But I realized I really wanted a second chance at a "normal" baby, and that it would make me a happier parent to both. So we had DC2 5 years later. The gap was enough to get over the birth and first years, and give each child personal attention.

Now my oldest is an adult. For all of his childhood, we centered our lives around his medical/psychiatric/academic needs, and we don't regret it, since this made it possible for him to get into college and be semi-functional, and we hope, fully functional in the future.

And it's my second child's turn to need help now. He had a wonderful and healthy first half of childhood, but has some medical issues that we are exploring.

Point being: nothing is guaranteed. You have to catch the moments of happiness when you can, and there is no telling when each of your children is going to get into difficulties.

[Anonymous]

First baby did not nap at ALL after 3 weeks. Had emergency surgery at 5 weeks. Wouldn’t latch so had to pump, THen had nipple refusal of all liquids at 10 mos (so I had to effing spoon feed). Refused any other caregivers for 18 mos (cried so hard the gym daycare refused to take him; babysitting was a no go).

Defiant AF personality for years - i kept waiting for him to get easier before I would agree to try again. He never did.

So I was one and done. He’s now 21 and amazingly chill. Has the best mental health and no special needs. He’s also super high IQ and I suspect that has something to do with his shitty early years. As if he knew that nipples and daycares were bullshit and just wanted to move faster with life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you stop at one or go on to have another? How did you get over the fear and trauma from your first? Was there a certain age gap that you think helped?

At 5, almost 6 years post, we are just now considering having another but every time we talk about it, I worry about having a similar experience to my first and firmly believe my marriage would not survive. CMPI baby, bottle avoidance, lip and tongue tie, colic, other food allergies discovered once solids were started, weekly PT for one year, reflux meds until 13months, late teether so we went from reflux improving straight into teething, never slept more than 4 hours at once (although he met his total sleep needs over the course of the day), I had PF issues plus PPA.
At 2 things got way better but then COVID happened and that was its own hell. At 4, things started improving for us personally and financially and we just did not want to rock the boat. FF another 1-1.5 years, he still doesn't sleep through the night every night. He has low sleep needs. High energy needs, etc. He is loving and kind and makes friends easily and is smart but it is all cylinders for 13 hours a day.
Honestly, when you've had a difficult pregnancy or baby or marriage or whatever, when you try again you roll the dice and hope you get lucky. And if you aren't ready for the outcome to not be better then IMO the decision is made.

[Anonymous]

My baby was exhausting - he didn’t sleep through the night until 2, and we did all the things. Wanted constant interaction with people, screamed bloody murder if left alone. As a toddler he had epic tantrums.

We stopped at 1. I wanted another but my husband said he was afraid he’d break and become a terrible father and husband, so we have an only. That only is now 17 and a champion sleeper, sweet and kind, hasn’t had any sort of tantrum (even the teen kind) in a decade. In the end I think my husband was right about himself so I am glad we didn’t have another. I tell you about my now-delightful son so you are reassured that who kids are at age 1 (or 3) are not who they will become.

[Anonymous]

We waited 3 years and then had two more, both of which were easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define extremely extremely difficult.

Mine really didn't sleep. No blocks longer than 2-3 hours for first 9 months. It was torture and sent me into an anxiety spiral. I wouldn't say aggressive crying though or colic.

I waited 3+years and yes had another one and that baby was much easier. (Slept a lot better.) I had a lot of fear of having a newborn again.

Similar for me, and didn't sleep through the night until she was 2. Also never took a bottle, which made going back to work stressful. Had a second when first was 3.5 years old and he was a much better sleeper and eater.

They are now both teens. The older one is autistic and the younger has ADHD, so things are still hard. But I'm getting a full night's sleep every night and that makes everything better.

[Anonymous]

My first was born 6.5 weeks early, 2 weeks in the NICU, terrible reflux, didn’t sleep through the night until 15 months, wouldn’t take a bottle of breast milk while I was at work, nursed all night, always wanted to be held. I was physically and mentally exhausted! He was so sweet but so difficult. I had #2 when he was 2.5 years old. He ended up being the easiest toddler and my second child was so much easier as a baby. I always knew I wanted 2 kids. The spacing worked out well but I definitely had trauma from the 1st experience that took time to overcome.