If you had an extremely, extremely difficult first baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely believe there are parents who have very difficult babies. But I also know that there are parents who simply have a really tough time adjusting their lives to a baby and assume the baby itself is the problem.

FWIW, I'd wager more folks on here have encountered parents who fall in the latter category as opposed to the former and, as a result, resist the idea of truly difficult babies. Not an excuse, just an observation.

As someone whose first child had (undiscovered) medical issues that made sleep virtually impossible for the first 9 months, among other miserable issues, I totally agree. I learned not to mention anything to most people because their advice was comical. They definitely thought I was just lazy, didn't know what I was doing or a combination of the two. Having a 'normal' second baby has been so freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to side track this, but for people who say their baby wouldn’t take a bottle - I just don’t get it.

I am pregnant with my first so zero experience. And my mom claims I was this way.

But two questions:

(1) did you try introducing bottle in first 2 weeks of life? That is what my night nurse who I am hiring told me we’d do … exactly to avoid this outcome.

(2) if you didn’t do (1) - which does seem to be a big issue) - what happens if you just don’t feed except offering bottle. Like why can’t you just….make it happen? I know that sounds profoundly ignorant in some ways but in other ways, I’m sorry, but won’t the baby eventually just give it a try out of …. Hunger?

Not taking a bottle literally won’t work in my lifestyle so my child would starve. I don’t get it.

My baby didn't latch on anything for the first two weeks -- we syringe fed her. She finally latched on the breast at around 3-4 weeks. Then when I went back to work at 4 months, she wouldn't take a bottle. We started at 3 months what you're suggesting -- I left the house and my husband offered a bottle. "Healthy babies don't let themselves starve," the pediatrician said. Well, the pediatrician had never met my baby, I guess, because she went 12 hours without eating (or drinking) before we got worried about dehydration and I came home and nursed her. We tried that several times before we gave up.

Your questions come across as very judgmental. It's easy to know all the things when you're pregnant -- wait until you have an actual baby.

I mean, I acknowledged my ignorance in my post. I am not saying I KNOW or that I am judging responses.

But you do realize the logical conclusion of what you are saying? What about a baby that never had a Mom??? Like…that baby would definitionally starve? All the single Dads or gay male couples? What are they doing?

I guess I just have to believe this can be managed up front.

As a parent of a child with a feeding tube, I think the logical conclusion is that children like mine exist.

I’m sorry to hear - simply because they refuse a bottle? Or something else. Because if latter, I think we are talking about different things.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP again and I’m ignoring the nut job “no babies refuse bottles” and “No babies are hard” posters because wtf.

Thank you to those who shared how you felt about your second. I really appreciate the perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My baby was exhausting - he didn’t sleep through the night until 2, and we did all the things. Wanted constant interaction with people, screamed bloody murder if left alone. As a toddler he had epic tantrums.

We stopped at 1. I wanted another but my husband said he was afraid he’d break and become a terrible father and husband, so we have an only. That only is now 17 and a champion sleeper, sweet and kind, hasn’t had any sort of tantrum (even the teen kind) in a decade. In the end I think my husband was right about himself so I am glad we didn’t have another. I tell you about my now-delightful son so you are reassured that who kids are at age 1 (or 3) are not who they will become.

Thank you, this is really helpful. We are leaning towards being done for these reasons, except I’m the one whose capacity we’re worried about, not my husband. I lost my patience many times during the night when my baby woke for the 47th time, and I don’t want to do that to another if we got another non-sleeper. I know I just can’t do it again and exhibit the perfect patience required for such a hard child.

[Anonymous]

Mine was. Terrible, no sleep, colic. Constant wailing.

He was a delightful child from age 1 on. He's now excelling at Notre Dame - caring, smart as a whip, and a leader. We did have another child who was much easier as a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to side track this, but for people who say their baby wouldn’t take a bottle - I just don’t get it.

I am pregnant with my first so zero experience. And my mom claims I was this way.

But two questions:

(1) did you try introducing bottle in first 2 weeks of life? That is what my night nurse who I am hiring told me we’d do … exactly to avoid this outcome.

(2) if you didn’t do (1) - which does seem to be a big issue) - what happens if you just don’t feed except offering bottle. Like why can’t you just….make it happen? I know that sounds profoundly ignorant in some ways but in other ways, I’m sorry, but won’t the baby eventually just give it a try out of …. Hunger?

Not taking a bottle literally won’t work in my lifestyle so my child would starve. I don’t get it.

My baby didn't latch on anything for the first two weeks -- we syringe fed her. She finally latched on the breast at around 3-4 weeks. Then when I went back to work at 4 months, she wouldn't take a bottle. We started at 3 months what you're suggesting -- I left the house and my husband offered a bottle. "Healthy babies don't let themselves starve," the pediatrician said. Well, the pediatrician had never met my baby, I guess, because she went 12 hours without eating (or drinking) before we got worried about dehydration and I came home and nursed her. We tried that several times before we gave up.

Your questions come across as very judgmental. It's easy to know all the things when you're pregnant -- wait until you have an actual baby.

I mean, I acknowledged my ignorance in my post. I am not saying I KNOW or that I am judging responses.

But you do realize the logical conclusion of what you are saying? What about a baby that never had a Mom??? Like…that baby would definitionally starve? All the single Dads or gay male couples? What are they doing?

I guess I just have to believe this can be managed up front.

I suppose if I had never nursed, she might have latched onto a bottle when she first started suckling. Or, given how difficult it was for her to latch onto anything, perhaps we would have continued to have to syringe feed if nursing hadn't been available (and syringe feeding is the worst!)

I know you want to believe that if you do everything right, you will overcome all problems and so people with problems must have done something wrong, but that isn't true.

Okay I’ll defend the pregnant PP. And I had two kids, and a very traumatic birth resulting in readmission (away from my baby) for a long time.

Literally yes just bottle feed right away. And pump. You’ll have zero bottle feeding issues (save for atypical health issues to which I’m not referring). Choices people.

[Anonymous]

Unintended pregnancy!

Really, I got sooooo lucky. I found out I was pregnant three days after being able to look at a car seat or other baby item and feel happy instead of on the verge of having a panic attack. Age gap 3 years. Two and through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to side track this, but for people who say their baby wouldn’t take a bottle - I just don’t get it.

I am pregnant with my first so zero experience. And my mom claims I was this way.

But two questions:

(1) did you try introducing bottle in first 2 weeks of life? That is what my night nurse who I am hiring told me we’d do … exactly to avoid this outcome.

(2) if you didn’t do (1) - which does seem to be a big issue) - what happens if you just don’t feed except offering bottle. Like why can’t you just….make it happen? I know that sounds profoundly ignorant in some ways but in other ways, I’m sorry, but won’t the baby eventually just give it a try out of …. Hunger?

Not taking a bottle literally won’t work in my lifestyle so my child would starve. I don’t get it.

My baby didn't latch on anything for the first two weeks -- we syringe fed her. She finally latched on the breast at around 3-4 weeks. Then when I went back to work at 4 months, she wouldn't take a bottle. We started at 3 months what you're suggesting -- I left the house and my husband offered a bottle. "Healthy babies don't let themselves starve," the pediatrician said. Well, the pediatrician had never met my baby, I guess, because she went 12 hours without eating (or drinking) before we got worried about dehydration and I came home and nursed her. We tried that several times before we gave up.

Your questions come across as very judgmental. It's easy to know all the things when you're pregnant -- wait until you have an actual baby.

I mean, I acknowledged my ignorance in my post. I am not saying I KNOW or that I am judging responses.

But you do realize the logical conclusion of what you are saying? What about a baby that never had a Mom??? Like…that baby would definitionally starve? All the single Dads or gay male couples? What are they doing?

I guess I just have to believe this can be managed up front.

I suppose if I had never nursed, she might have latched onto a bottle when she first started suckling. Or, given how difficult it was for her to latch onto anything, perhaps we would have continued to have to syringe feed if nursing hadn't been available (and syringe feeding is the worst!)

I know you want to believe that if you do everything right, you will overcome all problems and so people with problems must have done something wrong, but that isn't true.

Okay I’ll defend the pregnant PP. And I had two kids, and a very traumatic birth resulting in readmission (away from my baby) for a long time.

Literally yes just bottle feed right away. And pump. You’ll have zero bottle feeding issues (save for atypical health issues to which I’m not referring). Choices people.

Are you saying that no one should attempt to breast feed to avoid bottle confusion or are you saying that bottles should be introduced (along with breast) asap? Because my child couldn't latch onto breast or bottle for the first several weeks -- bottlefeeding right away was not an option (we tried!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely believe there are parents who have very difficult babies. But I also know that there are parents who simply have a really tough time adjusting their lives to a baby and assume the baby itself is the problem.

FWIW, I'd wager more folks on here have encountered parents who fall in the latter category as opposed to the former and, as a result, resist the idea of truly difficult babies. Not an excuse, just an observation.

As someone whose first child had (undiscovered) medical issues that made sleep virtually impossible for the first 9 months, among other miserable issues, I totally agree. I learned not to mention anything to most people because their advice was comical. They definitely thought I was just lazy, didn't know what I was doing or a combination of the two. Having a 'normal' second baby has been so freeing.

What type of medical issue causes a baby to not sleep for 9 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to side track this, but for people who say their baby wouldn’t take a bottle - I just don’t get it.

I am pregnant with my first so zero experience. And my mom claims I was this way.

But two questions:

(1) did you try introducing bottle in first 2 weeks of life? That is what my night nurse who I am hiring told me we’d do … exactly to avoid this outcome.

(2) if you didn’t do (1) - which does seem to be a big issue) - what happens if you just don’t feed except offering bottle. Like why can’t you just….make it happen? I know that sounds profoundly ignorant in some ways but in other ways, I’m sorry, but won’t the baby eventually just give it a try out of …. Hunger?

Not taking a bottle literally won’t work in my lifestyle so my child would starve. I don’t get it.

My baby didn't latch on anything for the first two weeks -- we syringe fed her. She finally latched on the breast at around 3-4 weeks. Then when I went back to work at 4 months, she wouldn't take a bottle. We started at 3 months what you're suggesting -- I left the house and my husband offered a bottle. "Healthy babies don't let themselves starve," the pediatrician said. Well, the pediatrician had never met my baby, I guess, because she went 12 hours without eating (or drinking) before we got worried about dehydration and I came home and nursed her. We tried that several times before we gave up.

Your questions come across as very judgmental. It's easy to know all the things when you're pregnant -- wait until you have an actual baby.

I mean, I acknowledged my ignorance in my post. I am not saying I KNOW or that I am judging responses.

But you do realize the logical conclusion of what you are saying? What about a baby that never had a Mom??? Like…that baby would definitionally starve? All the single Dads or gay male couples? What are they doing?

I guess I just have to believe this can be managed up front.

I suppose if I had never nursed, she might have latched onto a bottle when she first started suckling. Or, given how difficult it was for her to latch onto anything, perhaps we would have continued to have to syringe feed if nursing hadn't been available (and syringe feeding is the worst!)

I know you want to believe that if you do everything right, you will overcome all problems and so people with problems must have done something wrong, but that isn't true.

Okay I’ll defend the pregnant PP. And I had two kids, and a very traumatic birth resulting in readmission (away from my baby) for a long time.

Literally yes just bottle feed right away. And pump. You’ll have zero bottle feeding issues (save for atypical health issues to which I’m not referring). Choices people.

Are you saying that no one should attempt to breast feed to avoid bottle confusion or are you saying that bottles should be introduced (along with breast) asap? Because my child couldn't latch onto breast or bottle for the first several weeks -- bottlefeeding right away was not an option (we tried!)

You’d be one of those atypical health issues people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely believe there are parents who have very difficult babies. But I also know that there are parents who simply have a really tough time adjusting their lives to a baby and assume the baby itself is the problem.

FWIW, I'd wager more folks on here have encountered parents who fall in the latter category as opposed to the former and, as a result, resist the idea of truly difficult babies. Not an excuse, just an observation.

As someone whose first child had (undiscovered) medical issues that made sleep virtually impossible for the first 9 months, among other miserable issues, I totally agree. I learned not to mention anything to most people because their advice was comical. They definitely thought I was just lazy, didn't know what I was doing or a combination of the two. Having a 'normal' second baby has been so freeing.

What type of medical issue causes a baby to not sleep for 9 months?

I read this as sleep for the parents was virtually impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely believe there are parents who have very difficult babies. But I also know that there are parents who simply have a really tough time adjusting their lives to a baby and assume the baby itself is the problem.

FWIW, I'd wager more folks on here have encountered parents who fall in the latter category as opposed to the former and, as a result, resist the idea of truly difficult babies. Not an excuse, just an observation.

As someone whose first child had (undiscovered) medical issues that made sleep virtually impossible for the first 9 months, among other miserable issues, I totally agree. I learned not to mention anything to most people because their advice was comical. They definitely thought I was just lazy, didn't know what I was doing or a combination of the two. Having a 'normal' second baby has been so freeing.

What type of medical issue causes a baby to not sleep for 9 months?

I read this as sleep for the parents was virtually impossible.

Yes, this. Baby woke every 30-45 minutes all through the night and took hours to go to sleep. Undiscovered milk allergy until 6 months (none of the normal symptoms showed up until he randomly had blood in his stool one day) and then had a cyst in his intestine that eventually caused a total bowel blockage requiring emergency surgery. Awful, awful first year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you stop at one or go on to have another? How did you get over the fear and trauma from your first? Was there a certain age gap that you think helped?

I’m not sure that my first qualifies so i’ll describe what i found extremely difficult - colic (pretty constant crying) for the first 5.5/6 months. My daughter was and continues to be physically healthy and there was nothing happening physically like reflux that was linked to the crying. It was physically and mentally exhausting. We did sleep train at 13 weeks so she slept at night starting then but she didn’t sleep at night for more than a few hours for the first three months and even after she started sleeping at night she did not nap during the day until 6 months. I know many people deal with very serious health challenges so i don’t want to make light of that. My first child was very difficult to me but obviously it’s not comparable to many situations.

I went on to have two more children after my first. Spacing was 29 months between first and 21 between second and third. Second child was very easy and third child (3 months now) is also very easy. Not like sleeping all the time easy but not like crying all the time hard. I’ve never had family help beyond parents who were around the first few days and we never used a night nurse or postpartum doula.

[Anonymous]

I had an extremely easy first baby and I stopped at one. There's no "good reason" required to justify that choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you stop at one or go on to have another? How did you get over the fear and trauma from your first? Was there a certain age gap that you think helped?

I would have stopped with one.