If you had an extremely, extremely difficult first baby

[Anonymous]

So this is a little different than what you're asking, but it still applies. My second baby was easy-peasy (my first was much harder). But I had a walloping case of PPD after my second one was born. So while SHE was easy, I was an absolutely disaster for 16 months after she was born. It was the worst year of my life, by far.

Intrusive thoughts about dead babies (not even her!) that I couldn't get out of my head. Major physical symptoms. Crying 8-15 times a day, every day, for literally 16 months. Despair. Inability to function. I got no joy from either of my children (for 16 months). I'd get obsessed with some tragedy and stay up until 4am watching/reading everything about it. I knew I'd be exhausted, but I couldn't stop. Everything was a slog. Guilt, horrible guilt. It was absolutely awful.

But we want another. Badly. We went back and forth for a while. How could we risk going through that again? I had to do a lot of therapy, both to get better, and once I was better, to process the trauma and everything I'd been through. We did decide to move forward with a third (and final) and we're trying now, and excited. What made the decision manageable was getting to a point of looking at my amazing and wonderful daughter and knowing clearly, without a doubt, that she was worth it. And then getting to the point where I was willing to do it all again to have another. And I am.

Especially if you feel traumatized by your first, you've got to get some therapy. A longer age gap definitely helped - my younger two will be a minimum of just shy of 3 years apart.

But I think the other key is the practical. What will you do differently if this happens again? For me, it's medication more quickly, starting off right from jump with combo feeding so I'm not the baby's only food source. And we've earmarked some money for a night nanny a few nights a week from day 1 so that I can get some sleep, as we learned the hard way that lack of sleep is not something I can power through. My husband will take more time off work. And we'll be faster to lean on our "village" if we're struggling.

What made things hard for you? What can you do to mitigate them? Was it worth it?

Those are the big questions.

[Anonymous]

I do not believe that any baby is extremely, extremely difficult. But, I do believe in extremely, extremely easy babies.

I feel that many young parents are not good at handling babies. They take care of dogs and cats and think that human babies will behave according to the parents convenience.

[Anonymous]

My difficult first baby is my only. We were on the fence about a second so even if they had been an angel who knows. But part of the consideration was whether we could survive doing it again if we had a similar baby.

[Anonymous]

Our first born was up all night, slept all day for the first three months and was very alert. Our second seemed far easier in comparison.

With our first, I would see other moms of newborns thinking they had this parenting thing on cruise control. I am just so good at this, I've read five parenting books. You...just keep trying...

Then they had their second kid, who was a real handful, and they discovered this isn't as easy as they thought it would be, they don't have parenting on lock.

Personally, I preferred having the harder baby first. I was learning how to do it all, anyway, so let's just dive into the deep end of the empty swimming pool and get it over with. The next kid will be different, and you'll be broken in. Enjoy the ride.

[Anonymous]

I waited a bit longer than I had planned for my second, my first was just over 3 when second was born.

My second was so easy and pleasant and I really remember this one time, my second was in his vibrating bouncy seat watching me play with my first, and he was looking sleepy, and he got tired and just fell asleep. He is almost 14 and a really pleasant kid all around.

What I didn't know was that my extremely difficult high needs first baby would take me through round two when they went through the teen years. Sometimes I feel bad because her issues and personality are just so consuming, I can't just relax and enjoy my relaxed kid. Or I feel bad leaving him alone with her.

Apparently it is common that high need babies grow up to be high need teens, at least from what I've read of parents with similar kids to my first.

I'm glad I had my second and look forward to a few years just with him. But sometimes I feel for him and the toll the first takes on our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not believe that any baby is extremely, extremely difficult. But, I do believe in extremely, extremely easy babies.

I feel that many young parents are not good at handling babies. They take care of dogs and cats and think that human babies will behave according to the parents convenience.

This makes it really obvious you did not have a difficult baby. In the hospital the doctor who delivered her told me good luck with that one. The nurses came to take her from my room, she was so fussy and I think they thought they could settle her. They brought her to the nurses station, a few of them tried.... annnnnnd they brought her back to me. At first we did ultrasounds and tests assuming it must be medical, but nope, she was just a whole new level of baby.

[Anonymous]

Not to side track this, but for people who say their baby wouldn’t take a bottle - I just don’t get it.

I am pregnant with my first so zero experience. And my mom claims I was this way.

But two questions:

(1) did you try introducing bottle in first 2 weeks of life? That is what my night nurse who I am hiring told me we’d do … exactly to avoid this outcome.

(2) if you didn’t do (1) - which does seem to be a big issue) - what happens if you just don’t feed except offering bottle. Like why can’t you just….make it happen? I know that sounds profoundly ignorant in some ways but in other ways, I’m sorry, but won’t the baby eventually just give it a try out of …. Hunger?

Not taking a bottle literally won’t work in my lifestyle so my child would starve. I don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

First was very difficult. I used to take walks where she'd cry as we walked in a stroller, and I'd see moms sitting in cafes with sleeping babies and wonder what was wrong with me and my baby.

Waited three years and the second one was so easy that I was completely bored during maternity leave. I had no idea that babies could be like that.

[Anonymous]

First baby screamed bloody murder for over a year and never slept. Still doesn’t really sleep a decade later. Second baby, nearly 3 yrs apart, was an absolute dream baby. We almost considered having another one immediately after her!

[Anonymous]

Not by choice, our relationship was crumbling I didn't have another for 10 years. It was much better around year 4 but he still didn't sleep through the night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to side track this, but for people who say their baby wouldn’t take a bottle - I just don’t get it.

I am pregnant with my first so zero experience. And my mom claims I was this way.

But two questions:

(1) did you try introducing bottle in first 2 weeks of life? That is what my night nurse who I am hiring told me we’d do … exactly to avoid this outcome.

(2) if you didn’t do (1) - which does seem to be a big issue) - what happens if you just don’t feed except offering bottle. Like why can’t you just….make it happen? I know that sounds profoundly ignorant in some ways but in other ways, I’m sorry, but won’t the baby eventually just give it a try out of …. Hunger?

Not taking a bottle literally won’t work in my lifestyle so my child would starve. I don’t get it.

I was a PP that had a kid who wouldn’t take the bottle. He was born premature and was bottle fed for weeks. He had to learn how to nurse between 5-6 weeks. Once he learned, he only wanted the breast. We tried having my husband feed him with a bottle. He refused. When I went back to work, the doctor promised he would eat when hungry. I had pumped milk for him every day for the nanny to give in a bottle. Some days he ate nothing. Some days he had 1-3 ounces the entire day. He would take a small amount to take the edge off his hunger and then wait for mom to come home. Then he would nurse all night every few hours. At one year, the doctor was worried about his small size so she recommended I keep nursing him at night and focusing on high calorie solids during the day. She told me to put butter on everything. She admitted he was one stubborn kid and he defied her promise that he would drink when hungry. We got him on a sippy cup as soon as we could and he was better about drinking milk when he could do it himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First baby screamed bloody murder for over a year and never slept. Still doesn’t really sleep a decade later. Second baby, nearly 3 yrs apart, was an absolute dream baby. We almost considered having another one immediately after her!

A friend did this and #3 was a nightmare too so they were done lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First baby screamed bloody murder for over a year and never slept. Still doesn’t really sleep a decade later. Second baby, nearly 3 yrs apart, was an absolute dream baby. We almost considered having another one immediately after her!

A friend did this and #3 was a nightmare too so they were done lol

That’s why we didn’t end up doing it!! Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not believe that any baby is extremely, extremely difficult. But, I do believe in extremely, extremely easy babies.

I feel that many young parents are not good at handling babies. They take care of dogs and cats and think that human babies will behave according to the parents convenience.

Bless your heart

[Anonymous]

I found my first to be a total pain in the rear. Whined and fussed about everything all day long, didn't sleep, very sensitive about the slightest routine change etc. He is now in 2nd grade and is still a difficult glass half empty personality but overall it's gotten better since those early days. He's also gifted fwiw.

However, I figured that he was probably not typical and our second (a girl, now 4 yo) appears to be more typical/not gifted.