MIL visiting, wants me to take PTO to sightsee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL who lives in Phoenix, decided to book a ticket to DCA at the end of the month to stay with us for two weeks. She did not ask us about it prior to her booking this trip (she's done this before). We are relatively new to the area - moved here last September. She decided on a whim that she wants to come out here and sightsee, staying with us the whole time. Again, she did not ask us about this - nor even check if we would be in town. She called DH last night to tell him SURPRISE! I'm coming!

We moved here due to DH's job. We live in a 2 bed/2bath high rise apartment within walking distance to a metro stop that's two stops away from all the action of the national mall. I work remotely and DH has to travel a lot domestically. DH will be traveling for 3/4 of the time she decided to drop in. He told her this on the call and that this not an ideal time to come as no one will be around to take her to places (DH knows that I am tapped out of PTO for the year - we took a trip earlier and have another planned for late December). She told him that she thought I worked from home (I do) and could still take her around on my breaks... (???).

My MIL is extremely stubborn. When she gets something in her head, she's a bulldog and won't let go. DH asked her to reschedule her plane ticket and she said no. She wants to come later this month. He again told her that I am not available to sightsee with her, I can't be leaving to tour monuments on my 'breaks', so she will be hanging around the apartment. Terrific.

I guess there's nothing much we can do at this point. DH told her to reschedule, that he won't be here and that I have to work. She insists on coming. I don't want her hanging around the apartment when I'm trying to work. My work is very meeting-heavy so I am on the phone a lot. So I'm just venting. Looks like I have nearly 2 weeks alone, in the apartment, with my MIL, and weekends touring the National Mall again. Sigh.

Work from a cafe or office when you feel suffocated. Schedule your doctor, dentist, hair, nail appointments. Get her google maps, metro and uber apps on the phone so she can independently tour. In evenings, bond with her over cooking food and Netflix.

[Anonymous]

If her ticket is non refundable, he should buy her a new ticket for when he is in town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my DH didn't shut this down, I'd book myself into a hotel and work from there for the 2 weeks.

Right now MIL is the unreasonable one, this would make DIL the more unreasonable and rude one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book a tour for her. There are various bus companies and river boat tours.

Or self-guided Tours- any of the Smithsonians or Mt. Vernon, etc.

"Betty, I purchased a 4hr ticket on the DC Tourmobile/Duck Tours/whatever. You can hop-off/hop-on or just sit the whole time. The first bus is at 9am so I'll drop you off at the pick-up stop then."

Do not do this. Then she’ll think OP is her travel agent.

It's better option than Op being her personal tour guide each day for which she has no time for.

Scheduled tours/drop-offs will guarantee MIL is out of the house for several hours so Op can breathe and get her work done.

No, it's not a better option. It basically signals to the MIL that OP and her H will tolerate her rudeness and accommodate her imposition. It's enabling.

What would be a better idea??

JFC. Read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH didn't shut this down, I'd book myself into a hotel and work from there for the 2 weeks.

Right now MIL is the unreasonable one, this would make DIL the more unreasonable and rude one.

The alternative is to be a doormat. His mom is being rude AF. This is definitely a husband problem to solve. "Mom, you cannot come that week. It does not work for us. Please choose another time and consult with us before you buy a ticket."

I'd lie and tell MIL I had a work trip come up, and I would not be there. And then I would not be there.

[Anonymous]

How old is MiL? Can’t she sightsee on her own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea your mother in law sounds really unreasonable but I have zero sympathy for the work from homers whose home space has become cramped with work space and can no longer comfortably accommodate guests. If you worked in an office like a normal person you wouldn’t even have to see your MIL. You’d just go to work.

OP here. We are living here temporarily. DH's assignment ends Sept 2024. We do not need a huge house - DH has a housing 'allowance' that he gets for working here and max'ed it out with a 2 bed/2bath apartment in Arlington - we actually own a home in Arizona that my sister is living in while we are in the DC area.

DH will be traveling and you are working. Neither are available for her tourist to DC stuff and you don't have a place for her to sleep. Assume 2nd bedroom is your office and you do not have a guest room. None of this book a room at a library stuff. Maybe there's something specific she wants to see here that time period or it's related to some friends of hers being in town. In that case she can get a hotel in DC or ARL. Take you out to dinner once and the DH also if he's in town.

You owning a house elsewhere isn't relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL who lives in Phoenix, decided to book a ticket to DCA at the end of the month to stay with us for two weeks. She did not ask us about it prior to her booking this trip (she's done this before). We are relatively new to the area - moved here last September. She decided on a whim that she wants to come out here and sightsee, staying with us the whole time. Again, she did not ask us about this - nor even check if we would be in town. She called DH last night to tell him SURPRISE! I'm coming!

We moved here due to DH's job. We live in a 2 bed/2bath high rise apartment within walking distance to a metro stop that's two stops away from all the action of the national mall. I work remotely and DH has to travel a lot domestically. DH will be traveling for 3/4 of the time she decided to drop in. He told her this on the call and that this not an ideal time to come as no one will be around to take her to places (DH knows that I am tapped out of PTO for the year - we took a trip earlier and have another planned for late December). She told him that she thought I worked from home (I do) and could still take her around on my breaks... (???).

My MIL is extremely stubborn. When she gets something in her head, she's a bulldog and won't let go. DH asked her to reschedule her plane ticket and she said no. She wants to come later this month. He again told her that I am not available to sightsee with her, I can't be leaving to tour monuments on my 'breaks', so she will be hanging around the apartment. Terrific.

I guess there's nothing much we can do at this point. DH told her to reschedule, that he won't be here and that I have to work. She insists on coming. I don't want her hanging around the apartment when I'm trying to work. My work is very meeting-heavy so I am on the phone a lot. So I'm just venting. Looks like I have nearly 2 weeks alone, in the apartment, with my MIL, and weekends touring the National Mall again. Sigh.

Work from a cafe or office when you feel suffocated. Schedule your doctor, dentist, hair, nail appointments. Get her google maps, metro and uber apps on the phone so she can independently tour. In evenings, bond with her over cooking food and Netflix.

If you “bond with her” in the evenings, she’ll consider that an invitation to do this again. What is wrong with you people, honestly asking? Do not help this woman visit, sight-see, or “bond” with you after BAD BEHAVIOR. Do not let her in the house and don’t see her during the trip, if making it crystal clear DON’T COME NOW fails to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book a tour for her. There are various bus companies and river boat tours.

Or self-guided Tours- any of the Smithsonians or Mt. Vernon, etc.

"Betty, I purchased a 4hr ticket on the DC Tourmobile/Duck Tours/whatever. You can hop-off/hop-on or just sit the whole time. The first bus is at 9am so I'll drop you off at the pick-up stop then."

Ugggghhhhhh why do you insist on passing the torch of antifeminist forward?! Why are you not at the very least suggesting that OP’S HUSBAND do this? If you really can’t wrap your mind around telling a pushy woman who invited herself n-o, at the very least you shouldn’t be placing this burden on OP’s shoulders. THIS WOMAN IS NOT HER MOTHER, do you get it?

Un, ok, then the husband can make arrangements for guided tours on behalf of MIL if you predict Op will be nearly as upset as you are right now. Settle down.
Besides, you're missing the point. Youre replying to a post that is merely a suggestion to help find a solution to Op's problem.
Do you have a better one?

Yes, I do. Thanks for asking.

DH calls MIL and tells her, “You are ignoring me when I say this is not a good time to visit. If you come here during that time, you will not be able to stay with us, and we will not be able to see you. I can’t make you change your tickets, but you can’t make us accommodate your choice to be here on dates that don’t work for us. If you want a proper visit where we’d be happy to host you and spend time with you, we can offer you these dates: X, Y or Z.”

[Anonymous]

That stinks but is there a way you could accommodate a little? She could do some sightseeing solo-hoho bus for example. You could also go to see some things like the monuments in the evenings after work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That stinks but is there a way you could accommodate a little? She could do some sightseeing solo-hoho bus for example. You could also go to see some things like the monuments in the evenings after work.

I don't know about you, but I'm too tired after work to go see monuments.

-dp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That stinks but is there a way you could accommodate a little? She could do some sightseeing solo-hoho bus for example. You could also go to see some things like the monuments in the evenings after work.

You are asking a woman to accommodate unreasonable, immature, boundary-stomping, disrespectful behavior “a little.” You are suggesting that OP open her home to a woman who was told it was not a good time to visit, you are asking OP to ignore her own work schedule and energy levels “a little,” not because MIL is sick or is in town for some other reason, but simply because MIL is behaving in a selfish, immature, unreasonable, boundary-stomping way. You are telling OP and OP alone to “accommodate a little,” with no mention of what OP’s husband should be doing. After all, OP is a woman and DH is a man, so even DH’s family is OP’s to manage, right?

Why are you doing this?

When someone violates clearly and calmly stated boundaries about one’s own time, own house, own work schedule, and own capacity, why is your advice, “Give in to unreasonable demands?”

Why are you acting like women again, some more, need to bend and kowtow to bad behavior by ILs or family members? Haven’t we done that enough?

[Anonymous]

Make plans to work at a library or coffee shop while she's visiting. Tell her you have lots of Zoom meetings and you work better out of the apartment. Offer to go sightseeing with her one weekend day while she's visiting. Your husband already made it clear that it's not a good time. If she ends up lonely, that's on her.

[Anonymous]

Most, if not all, DC libraries have small meeting rooms that you can schedule to use. Schedule them now and plan to leave the apartment to work. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That stinks but is there a way you could accommodate a little? She could do some sightseeing solo-hoho bus for example. You could also go to see some things like the monuments in the evenings after work.

The problem is, it isn't just the sight-seeing. Set aside the whole idea of boundaries and coming when she isn't wanted. Is OP now on the hook to prepare meals and make chit chat? Maybe when DH is out of town OP goes to the gym and curls up in bed with a glass of wine and a good book every night. Or uses that time to work on a favorite hobby or see friends. Or cleans the house naked. Or whatever. Does she have to give all of that up in order to be a good hostess?

The problem is that she either has to be completely rude in return, basically going about her life and ignoring MIL, or she has to be very disrupted and accommodating because there's another person in her home.