Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL blames me for her poor relationship with her son. But the truth is, it's all him, and he doesn't like her and doesn't want to spend more time with her.

I suggest visiting her about twice as often as we actually go, because he hates visiting her. I've even suggested moving to a bigger home so that she could potentially come live with us, but DH vetoed that immediately. It's his family so I defer to him. I am really not bothered by her. She's annoying sometimes in the same way my own parents annoy me. But I don't have any beef with her.

My DH has a lot of resentments from things she did when he was growing up, and also her behavior since he became an adult (she can be very self-centered and she offers basically nothing in the form of emotional support, though she expects DH to provider her with emotional support on demeaned), and he just doesn't like her very much.

I'm fine if she wants to blame me for it, but it's sad that she doesn't realize she did this to herself.

+1

Same with my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once you are married, you should not expect any financial or logistical help from parents or ILs. If they give it to you, thank them and be grateful. It is your turn to look after them.

Facilitate the relationships in a scheduled manner. This sets up expectations that you control.

I organize a family potluck at my ILs home every month. They live next to my aunt in law. My DH, his brother and his cousin help with handyman duties, decluttering, organizing, yard work and car servicing. I have a hairdresser neighbor who comes and gives everyone a haircut - ILs, aunt, children, grandchildren.
My SILs and I, go over the pantry, medicines, fridge etc, change bedsheets. I provide feet care for my ILs and aunt and clip their nails etc. Jointly, we have managed to keep our elderly parents independent in their own homes surrounded by family and friends. Even during the COVID lockdowns. We are able to do this because all of this is on a schedule.

I am a DIL.

You are an amazing person, and it seems your MIL appreciates you, and does not target you - it says a lot about her, all good. It is also helpful that your MIL has actual friends - not built in groups - the kind that are not for show, and would help in a pinch. It becomes difficult when MIL/SIL are more like dictators.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Historically most in-law relationships have been tense, toxic and traumatic. This conditioned women to despise the idea of having to deal with any. What advice would you give young women to establish good relations without compromising their own interests?

I disagree with your premise: I don't think anybody goes into a marriage expecting to dislike their in-laws. The conflict is "historical" because all 3-4 people involved (both spouses, both ILs if alive) have different exepectations that the others don't know about. And there's relatively little the DIL can do about it because the key players in this dynamic are the DH and the ILs, not the DIL.

A woman marrying a man should discuss with him how they'll handle in-law related things like visits, holidays, gifts, and aging care. But in addition, it's on the spouse (man in this situation) to communicate about that too, and stick to what's agreed or to renegotiate it. And, it's on the in-laws to realize that their child is starting a new nuclear family that will be his priority, and which they are not directly a part of.

That adage "You're not losing a son, you're gaining a daughter" is BS. I'm not my IL's daughter. I have my own parents who need my attention. And, while they're not exactly losing a son, when he marries (and especially when he has kids) he is shifting away from them in an important way. The IL's feelings about "losing a son" are not something I can control or should really be a part of, except to avoid interfering: the relationship is between them and DH.

Agree. It helps if the ILs know how to communicate with each other (never mind communication with you...)

[Anonymous]

I would never marry a man who had such disdain and disrespect for his family. Nor would I marry a man willing to ditch them at my request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never marry a man who had such disdain and disrespect for his family. Nor would I marry a man willing to ditch them at my request.

Depends how DH's family treat DH, historically and currently, I suppose.