Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws

[Anonymous]

One day your kids (assuming you have them) will be grown and married and you will be an in law yourself. Understand that the in laws want a relationship with their child but that MIL isn’t your competition.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I never knew so many women hated their in laws until I stumbled upon DCUM. In my prior and real life I’m not aware of a single person or family member who has major issues with any of theirs. Three of my daughters are married and each of them have in laws who couldn’t be more different from them, from each other, or from us.

But I don’t want to be dismissed by the angry poster with a snide “nice anecdote but it doesn’t help,” so I’ll offer advice based on my own experience: stop being so uptight and judgmental and expecting that every human being in the planet has to act and think and conduct themselves exactly like you. And when you do find yourself having problems with people around you, look inward first, then outward.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be similar to the advice I give regarding choosing a partner:
Recognize your value
Understand what your boundaries are and maintain them
Be flexible, kind and polite but don't be guilted or pushed
You are not responsible for managing someone else's feelings
Do not take responsibility for things that are not yours to be responsible for

I come from a dysfunctional family of origin and had worked really hard to understand it before I even met DH. It took me a while to see his family dysfunction because it was far more subtle than mine - but no less toxic. Because of the work I'd done prior, I was able to avoid getting sucked into their drama but there was a lot of backlash that nearly derailed our relationship because DH didn't see it and/or was too uncomfortable to address it. Now that the older generation is dead, DH and his same aged relations are better able to see it and my relationship with his side of the family is really good. I love the younger generation and am close to a lot of them but I'm still a bit reserved with those who are my age/older - lingering trust issues. They stood by either silent or complicit while I was bashed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I checked out my future in-laws while dating. If they were toxic or crazy, I wouldn’t have agreed to marry my DH.

Problem is, you don't get a say in your kids' choices. "Toxicity" flows both downward and upward, unfortunately.

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.

Same in my family, not so much in DH's family. NP here. Mom and dad are called mom and dad, by those who marry in, for example. Yes, we know you have a mom and dad, we aren't looking to replace or judge you, but we want you to know you are one of us.

DH's family fawns publicly over people they are not so close to, while bad mouthing certain "chosen" ones, who have very little relationship with them (because of the badmouthing, of course). So it can be a vicious circle. In short, DH's family does not like anyone who they consider to be different than them - not at all how I grew up, with a huge extended family, close, involved, warm and welcoming. In DHs family, being different than them is a personal affront (because it is all about them). My family is "the more the merrier" types, while DH's family can be terribly judgy - they need someone to target and judge (it used to be DH, growing up, sadly - but DH is better off for it, thankfully).

If you invite a friend along (example: holiday dinner at my house), DHs family usually will not warm up to them or exchange too many pleasantries. In my family, we are more open and accepting. So, it can be difficult, unless you drop the rope (per PP). I basically do what I want, because either way, I will be judged (usually harshly).

Again, good anecdotes but not helpful.

Point taken, but sometimes ILs can "present" as normal, and be far from normal, or there is a sordid and/or abusive and/or manipulative history (that they are not about to volunteer to you) is the issue. Most times, people are on their best behaviors, and after a while, they get more comfortable, and you find out you didn't really marry into a kind family, after all - especially if they play favorites, or have personality disorders ("splitting", being just one example. Paired with narcissism = good times).

OP, all you can do is be kind and open. I guess my post represents an example of what not to do, which is often more helpful than knowing what to do.

To add, some families really are toxic. Some are chaotic (social) and not toxic, or can be very inward and mean. I think as long as the person marrying in realizes that not all families are good, then that is what you need to know. Do your best, but not all families are good.

+1

I have any easy, drama-free relationship with my ILs. I don’t really like them but I don’t think that’s necessary. My DH doesn’t really like them either.

I will say I never figured out how to get along with my FIL. He was a misogynist and did not like me, it was hard. But then he died and now it doesn’t matter. But even though we weren’t buddies, we weren’t at odds. We just didn’t interact much.

[Anonymous]

If you read DCUM, it feels like at least 75% of DIL- MIL relationships are troubled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be flexible. Don't sweat the small stuff. Remember nobody is perfect. Have real conversations.

This is good advice. I dug my heels in on some issues at the beginning, and while I was certainly in the right I look back and wonder why I cared so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you read DCUM, it feels like at least 75% of DIL- MIL relationships are troubled.

Eh, I read it more than 75% of DIL/SIL-IL relationships are complicated. I like my ILs, but we’re not close. About 95% of the time, it’s smooth sailing. Occasionally, if there’s a tricky situation or dynamic, I may ask DCUM for advice or perspective, with the goal of having a better way to handle the situation with a positive (or at least neutral) outcome.

I think a lot of posters are like me, so it’s like I don’t post about the 364 days where all is well, but if you judged me on that 1 day I had an issue, you might think my relationship with my ILs is problematic.

[Anonymous]

I like my in-laws. We aren't super close or anything but we vacation with them once a year and I have a good time. I enjoy meeting up with them. Some things that have made this work for us

1. My in laws are not overbearing at all. When we vacation with them, I don't feel like I'm "on duty" the whole time. I can relax, have time to myself, etc.

2. DH handles everything related to them. He buys them gifts. He calls them. He arranges things with them.

3. When in laws are over our place, DH is involved with the cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc. He doesn't leave everything to me to handle. Therefore, no resentment when we host them.

4. My in laws are just drama free people. Sure, they are like any parent and will make comments or do things I don't agree with (my mom does the same) but I found its just easier to let things roll off my back unless it is something that is genuinely dangerous (like letting DS have popcorn when he was too little). But it just isn't worth it to get bothered by small stuff. DS will be fine if he has a poptart for breakfast when we are at in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.

And when the Inlaws dont want to babysit or pay to vacation with you, you'll be on here complaining. Nothing inlaws love more than an icy princess for a DIL.

Whether I am an icy princess or not, the relationship m in-laws have with my family is the relationship they have with THEIR son and his children. I am not going to facilitate it for him.

Add self centered to your resume. Not talking about you being the savior in your husbands relationship with his family. I am talking about you personally not trying to have any relationship with them. They don’t stand a chance from the beginning to try to have a good relationship with you. What a treat you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One day your kids (assuming you have them) will be grown and married and you will be an in law yourself. Understand that the in laws want a relationship with their child but that MIL isn’t your competition.

I don’t think many women here understand this concept at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One day your kids (assuming you have them) will be grown and married and you will be an in law yourself. Understand that the in laws want a relationship with their child but that MIL isn’t your competition.

I don’t think many women here understand this concept at all.

I think that sometimes, it is the MIL who can be insecure and some people don't want to accept that.

[Anonymous]

I can’t think of anyone in my family that has in law trouble, certainly not FH or me. Best advice is to remember that families are different, they may do things different. That doesn’t make it wrong but just different.

[Anonymous]

Marry an orphan.

Just kidding. But I’m reality, marry a man that has a healthy, detached relationship with his parents. Who can see if they’re acting crazy and tell them to back down. Women are always telling their parents to cut the crazy out (and both go on and still have a loving relationship) and I rarely see a son so the same.

[Anonymous]

Never pickup the rope. Be friendly and kind but keep a healthy distance, too. Don’t over disclose, don’t over invest in what they think of you. Just be nice and let your husband manage his relationship with his parents.