Women seem to despise even hypothetical In-laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I checked out my future in-laws while dating. If they were toxic or crazy, I wouldn’t have agreed to marry my DH.

Problem is, you don't get a say in your kids' choices. "Toxicity" flows both downward and upward, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...I was not aware of the history OP's describing. If anything, I assumed that my ILs would be like family. I was truly mistaken, both for my DH's family & also my SIL's family -- which made me feel so naive once I realized that this was a common occurrence. I am not sure that entering with an open heart like some PPs are suggesting will help if you are in an antagonistic situation. Like some PPs have noted, dysfunctional family systems (with abuse or untreated mental health or substance abuse or other challenges) can be hard to enter. Unlike a PP who considered this before marriage, I did not at all. In hindsight I wish I had paid more attention to my partner's family of origin but honestly you fall in love with who you fall in love with, so I don't think I would have acted differently in the long run. I would say as advice: don't assume that the families will just meld automatically - put some work in to build relationships & also put some work in building boundaries so that you are creating a healthy nuclear family with your life partner/children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...I was not aware of the history OP's describing. If anything, I assumed that my ILs would be like family. I was truly mistaken, both for my DH's family & also my SIL's family -- which made me feel so naive once I realized that this was a common occurrence. I am not sure that entering with an open heart like some PPs are suggesting will help if you are in an antagonistic situation. Like some PPs have noted, dysfunctional family systems (with abuse or untreated mental health or substance abuse or other challenges) can be hard to enter. Unlike a PP who considered this before marriage, I did not at all. In hindsight I wish I had paid more attention to my partner's family of origin but honestly you fall in love with who you fall in love with, so I don't think I would have acted differently in the long run. I would say as advice: don't assume that the families will just meld automatically - put some work in to build relationships & also put some work in building boundaries so that you are creating a healthy nuclear family with your life partner/children.

+1

To add to this concept, children pick up on behaviors (who is who) early, and make their own judgements, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

It's because historically, DILs were the lowest rung on the ladder and were expected to serve their husbands and their in-laws. Times have changed, particularly in the west.

My Vietnamese MIL had a hard time at the hands of her MIL. She vowed not to treat her DILs that way and went out of her way to break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because historically, DILs were the lowest rung on the ladder and were expected to serve their husbands and their in-laws. Times have changed, particularly in the west.

My Vietnamese MIL had a hard time at the hands of her MIL. She vowed not to treat her DILs that way and went out of her way to break the cycle.

+1

Love this! Thank you for sharing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Historically most in-law relationships have been tense, toxic and traumatic. This conditioned women to despise the idea of having to deal with any. What advice would you give young women to establish good relations without compromising their own interests?

I think that definition of "historical" is half the problem. Toxic and traumatic in particular are at the worst end of any relationship spectrum. Of all the people I know with in-laws, only a handful of them would describe those relationships as toxic and traumatic.

Before you get married, get on the same page with your fiancé and spend some time talking about how you'll handle hypotetical situations and what each of you expect of the other in regards to your families. Present a united front with both sets of parents from the moment you become a unit. Don't throw each other under the proverbial bus. From day 1, don't pick up the rope for your spouse. Don't position yourself as the sole decision maker for your new family. That makes it too easy for either IL to "blame" the partner when they don't like decisions. And don't sweat the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

I assumed that I would have a good relationship with her because I got along well with older women at work, family is important to me, and blending families should be a nice way of expanding ones horizons to new traditions and activities. I thought those who didn't get along must be self centered and selfish. I was looking forward to doing it right!

And then I got a MIL. One who was judgemental and invasive, insulting, pushy, and not trustworthy. And it sucks. I act like an acquaintance now instead of friend or family - polite but distant. I appreciate DHs relationship with his family and I don't do anything to stop it. We are as "fair" as possible balancing our two families and I am cautious to not do anything that can be perceived as a slight.

So, go into it with a good attitude and hope for the best. Relationships go both ways. But never ever stoop to their level - find a way to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.

And when the Inlaws dont want to babysit or pay to vacation with you, you'll be on here complaining. Nothing inlaws love more than an icy princess for a DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Historically most in-law relationships have been tense, toxic and traumatic. This conditioned women to despise the idea of having to deal with any. What advice would you give young women to establish good relations without compromising their own interests?

Don’t marry mama’s boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people should walk into in-law relationships with a positive attitude. In my family, in-law relationships are anything but toxic. Were my grandparents perfect? No, but my mother had a wonderful relationship with my dad's parents and my father treated my mom's parents with the same respect he treated his parents. They modeled what an in-law relationship should look like so when I got married, I expected to have the same type of relationship. And I do--my ILs are awesome. My MIL is one of the best people I know and I think of her as my second mom.

Maybe I'm just extremely lucky but in my family, there is no such thing as an in-law. Once you marry in, you are family. Period.

You're extremely lucky, both to have the parents and in-laws that you do, but also that you don't seem to realize how difficult and painful it is to have to set boundaries with your immediate relatives. So, I walked in with a positive attitude, but I also won't put up with crap for the sake of "family." Not modeling that for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.

And when the Inlaws dont want to babysit or pay to vacation with you, you'll be on here complaining. Nothing inlaws love more than an icy princess for a DIL.

Whether I am an icy princess or not, the relationship m in-laws have with my family is the relationship they have with THEIR son and his children. I am not going to facilitate it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t ever pick up the rope.

And when the Inlaws dont want to babysit or pay to vacation with you, you'll be on here complaining. Nothing inlaws love more than an icy princess for a DIL.

Whether I am an icy princess or not, the relationship m in-laws have with my family is the relationship they have with THEIR son and his children. I am not going to facilitate it for him.

+1

I would think responsible parents of all ages and stages would appreciate that they did a good enough job with their offspring, that their offspring actually wants to see them. But, toxic or selfish people wouldn't see this.

[Anonymous]

What an odd thread. I know plenty of women--and men--with good relationships with their ILs, and a few who think their ILs are generally annoying but harmless (neutral-ish, if you will). The one person I know who has a fraught relationship with the ILs is because there are some truly unusual circumstances at play.

But anyway, I agree with the point that, no matter what, there should never be an expectation that the woman is "in charge" of family relationships, calls, visits, cards, gifts, etc.

Don't think the son you raised calls or visits you enough? Pick up the phone and call of him. Leave his spouse out of it. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...I was not aware of the history OP's describing. If anything, I assumed that my ILs would be like family. I was truly mistaken, both for my DH's family & also my SIL's family -- which made me feel so naive once I realized that this was a common occurrence. I am not sure that entering with an open heart like some PPs are suggesting will help if you are in an antagonistic situation. Like some PPs have noted, dysfunctional family systems (with abuse or untreated mental health or substance abuse or other challenges) can be hard to enter. Unlike a PP who considered this before marriage, I did not at all. In hindsight I wish I had paid more attention to my partner's family of origin but honestly you fall in love with who you fall in love with, so I don't think I would have acted differently in the long run. I would say as advice: don't assume that the families will just meld automatically - put some work in to build relationships & also put some work in building boundaries so that you are creating a healthy nuclear family with your life partner/children.

My marriage has one MIL who is extremely selfless and confident, easy to get along with. Another one that is insecure, neurotic, and gets offended easily.
Managing a relationship with the latter is hard work, and requires "parenting" the in-law, and ignoring their erratic behavior.
But it's doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm...I was not aware of the history OP's describing. If anything, I assumed that my ILs would be like family. I was truly mistaken, both for my DH's family & also my SIL's family -- which made me feel so naive once I realized that this was a common occurrence. I am not sure that entering with an open heart like some PPs are suggesting will help if you are in an antagonistic situation. Like some PPs have noted, dysfunctional family systems (with abuse or untreated mental health or substance abuse or other challenges) can be hard to enter. Unlike a PP who considered this before marriage, I did not at all. In hindsight I wish I had paid more attention to my partner's family of origin but honestly you fall in love with who you fall in love with, so I don't think I would have acted differently in the long run. I would say as advice: don't assume that the families will just meld automatically - put some work in to build relationships & also put some work in building boundaries so that you are creating a healthy nuclear family with your life partner/children.

My marriage has one MIL who is extremely selfless and confident, easy to get along with. Another one that is insecure, neurotic, and gets offended easily.
Managing a relationship with the latter is hard work, and requires "parenting" the in-law, and ignoring their erratic behavior.
But it's doable.

Picturing you saying something racist or similarly offensive to the one who "gets offended easily".