Who is the jerk in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I mean, if I'm lily in the situation, I could see myself snapping if Megan often said things like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one.

But Lilly needs to reduce her food waste!

I read your update about this being a party. You should have mentioned this in your OP, because a one-off event with too much food is vastly different than daily waste.

All you needed to do is explain to your friend that this was extra party food and you had already given away as much as you could. Your friend's comment is not rude. My friends could say that and I would not be offended - I would explain.

+1

OP, the comment bothered you because you feel defensive about throwing out all that food -- she called you out on it.

It would be different if she'd insulted your appearance or your spouse or your kids or something. But she made a true comment about something you know isn't great. You could have explained the situation ("I know, I hate it, but I've given away as much as I can and we still have stuff going bad in here") but instead you chose to snap back. That's about you, not her.

I don't think her comment was snippy, but your response was. She was giving you feedback, you chose to get defensive and angry about it. I personally think you owe her an apology.

DP. I think her comment was incredibly snippy and judgmental. She wasn't asked for feedback, was a guest in someone else's home and should have kept her mouth shut. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did Megan respond? Is she upset with you now?

I could see myself saying this only if my friend had been badgering me and guilting me a lot about things like this.

We went out after this exchange and then after she went back home she texted me to say it was bothering her. It was several hours later because we went to a few different places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did Megan respond? Is she upset with you now?

I could see myself saying this only if my friend had been badgering me and guilting me a lot about things like this.

We went out after this exchange and then after she went back home she texted me to say it was bothering her. It was several hours later because we went to a few different places.

It sounds like you're good and close enough friends to speak up about little annoyances like this and even rehash it over hurt feelings. You both match each other for not holding back which would make a good friendship. I am more conflict avoidant and lean heavy on manners (especially at a friend's home) so I would likely give myself space from Megan's sassy comments and scale back visits completely. Op, you sound like you have thicker skin, which is commendable. My mom would and has made this type of comment while occasionally getting caught having to toss food herself. It's one of those things people get on their high horse about and end up knocked off from time to time. It's not a subject that needs policing from nosy Megans. Anyone can try to limit food waste but get caught off balance by a party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did Megan respond? Is she upset with you now?

I could see myself saying this only if my friend had been badgering me and guilting me a lot about things like this.

We went out after this exchange and then after she went back home she texted me to say it was bothering her. It was several hours later because we went to a few different places.

I think you were both equal. She dished it out, you slung it back. You could try saying that her criticism of you caught you off guard and so you spoke before thinking. Hopefully that will nudge her towards saying she shouldn't have criticized you.

[Anonymous]

Lilly is the jerk, lashing out and accusing friend of being “superior” after friend’s comment.

Megan is at worst socially inappropriate, making an observation out loud that a lot of food was being thrown out (although I understand Lilly “heard” “YOU’RE wasting food” or something to the effect of being judged).

But it doesn’t make Megan a jerk - it sounds like she was making an accurate observation if it was party food.

[Anonymous]

Megan is the jerk bc Lily didn’t ask for her opinion, and she sounds judgmental as all get out. Some thoughts need to be kept to yourself.

I can’t stand so-called “friends” that feel the need to give me unsolicited opinions about the stuff I choose to do. Let me be me, and you do you.

Megan wouldn’t have but maybe one more time to make a comment like that before being dropped from my friend group. Bye Meg!

[Anonymous]

Everyone sounds like a douche here. But why is this even a thread? So bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm Lilly in this case and I had an event at my house a few nights ago. After giving away most of the uneaten catering to the servers, staff, and taking few trays to the local fire station, the rest was in my fridge and freezer. My household staff took home what they wanted the day after the event. At this point, 3 days later, we were trying to corral the rest of the (Liquidy, sauce heavy) trays of food into the trash to toss.

That's when Megan dropped by. I told her I just needed to finish one thing. It was about 5 mins more of gathering up trash which is when she made the comment.

I don't disagree that it's wasteful to throw away food but short of inviting strangers off the street to come in and eat it, I was out of things to do with this food that was quickly going bad.

My local shelter won't take food that's already prepared which is why I took some of it to the fire station for the workers there who appreciated it.

Yes, I can understand that she grew up in a poor village but I guess my snippyness was more of an exasperated "What do you want me to do?".

Then maybe you should have said that. Sounds to me like she was just making a (correct) observation and you sound like a smug and superior b1tch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not Megan’s food, why does she care?

Really? You can't understand why anyone would care if a fridge full of food was tossed? You can't think of anyone who is food insecure or grew up that way who would see it as wasteful? You can't think of anyone who could have benefited from that food going into their belly instead of the trash? You can't think of any environmental implications either? Really?

[Anonymous]

Both were rude, but OP you could have phrased your response less rudely. It would have been better to just explain the situation to her instead of making that ridiculous comment about sending rotten food to a destitute village in order to feel superior. It doesn't even make sense, so double whammy for being rude and nonsensical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did Megan respond? Is she upset with you now?

I could see myself saying this only if my friend had been badgering me and guilting me a lot about things like this.

We went out after this exchange and then after she went back home she texted me to say it was bothering her. It was several hours later because we went to a few different places.

It sounds like you're good and close enough friends to speak up about little annoyances like this and even rehash it over hurt feelings. You both match each other for not holding back which would make a good friendship. I am more conflict avoidant and lean heavy on manners (especially at a friend's home) so I would likely give myself space from Megan's sassy comments and scale back visits completely. Op, you sound like you have thicker skin, which is commendable. My mom would and has made this type of comment while occasionally getting caught having to toss food herself. It's one of those things people get on their high horse about and end up knocked off from time to time. It's not a subject that needs policing from nosy Megans. Anyone can try to limit food waste but get caught off balance by a party!

Dp. This is a good response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm Lilly in this case and I had an event at my house a few nights ago. After giving away most of the uneaten catering to the servers, staff, and taking few trays to the local fire station, the rest was in my fridge and freezer. My household staff took home what they wanted the day after the event. At this point, 3 days later, we were trying to corral the rest of the (Liquidy, sauce heavy) trays of food into the trash to toss.

That's when Megan dropped by. I told her I just needed to finish one thing. It was about 5 mins more of gathering up trash which is when she made the comment.

I don't disagree that it's wasteful to throw away food but short of inviting strangers off the street to come in and eat it, I was out of things to do with this food that was quickly going bad.

My local shelter won't take food that's already prepared which is why I took some of it to the fire station for the workers there who appreciated it.

Yes, I can understand that she grew up in a poor village but I guess my snippyness was more of an exasperated "What do you want me to do?".

I mean, you could have said to her what you said here just now. Or asked her *in seriousness* if she knows someone who would like the food. Your response just made you sound like an entitled, spoiled Marie Antoinette type.

This. We can't know the tone that Megan made the original comment, but it's clear that OP's response was sarcastic and nasty. I think it's obvious OP felt defensive and lashed out, while it's impossible to know how Megan phrased the original comment.

OP is struggling with acknowledging that throwing the food away is bad. Like, she knows it is, and she even made considerable effort to avoid it, but she still wound up throwing away a bunch of food which she knows isn't great. And her anger towards Megan is entirely based on her shame/embarassment over that, and has only a little to do with Megan's rudeness, if you can call it that, in voicing her opinion in that moment.

This is entirely about OP and her feelings about her own actions, and Megan is honestly only tangentially related.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

Her comment was rude and mean spirited as well. She is frequently chastising me about things and never sees the wrong in the things she does. I don't point it out, but when others do, she gets super upset about it.

I'm aware that food waste isn't good and I don't make a habit of doing this. The reality is that she was aware of the party, she was aware that I gave away several tray of food and she's aware that I volunteer at a food pantry (part of the one that doesn't take prepped food for their soup kitchen ministry). At this point in time, the food was going bad and there was nothing to be done about it besides toss before it started to make my fridge smell bad.

So yes, I was defensive because her comments (as usual) are not constructive or particularly insightful, just a chance for her to act like she is superior.

FWIW, I have events at my home pretty often and this is the first time the catering numbers were off by so much. I told them 100 people for heavy appetizers and even after everyone ate lots of food, there was still a crazy amount left. Everyone who RSVP'd showed up, so it's not like only half the people showed and created all this food excess.
Some of the food was able to be frozen, which I did but other items needed to be eaten within a few days. It's not like with alcohol, it can just go on a shelf until the next event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm Lilly in this case and I had an event at my house a few nights ago. After giving away most of the uneaten catering to the servers, staff, and taking few trays to the local fire station, the rest was in my fridge and freezer. My household staff took home what they wanted the day after the event. At this point, 3 days later, we were trying to corral the rest of the (Liquidy, sauce heavy) trays of food into the trash to toss.

That's when Megan dropped by. I told her I just needed to finish one thing. It was about 5 mins more of gathering up trash which is when she made the comment.

I don't disagree that it's wasteful to throw away food but short of inviting strangers off the street to come in and eat it, I was out of things to do with this food that was quickly going bad.

My local shelter won't take food that's already prepared which is why I took some of it to the fire station for the workers there who appreciated it.

Yes, I can understand that she grew up in a poor village but I guess my snippyness was more of an exasperated "What do you want me to do?".

I mean, you could have said to her what you said here just now. Or asked her *in seriousness* if she knows someone who would like the food. Your response just made you sound like an entitled, spoiled Marie Antoinette type.

This. We can't know the tone that Megan made the original comment, but it's clear that OP's response was sarcastic and nasty. I think it's obvious OP felt defensive and lashed out, while it's impossible to know how Megan phrased the original comment.

OP is struggling with acknowledging that throwing the food away is bad. Like, she knows it is, and she even made considerable effort to avoid it, but she still wound up throwing away a bunch of food which she knows isn't great. And her anger towards Megan is entirely based on her shame/embarassment over that, and has only a little to do with Megan's rudeness, if you can call it that, in voicing her opinion in that moment.

This is entirely about OP and her feelings about her own actions, and Megan is honestly only tangentially related.

Umm no. You don't get to make rude, judgmental remarks to others and then act innocent like you have no idea why they are snapping at you.