Who is the jerk in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lilly is the jerk, lashing out and accusing friend of being “superior” after friend’s comment.

Megan is at worst socially inappropriate, making an observation out loud that a lot of food was being thrown out (although I understand Lilly “heard” “YOU’RE wasting food” or something to the effect of being judged).

But it doesn’t make Megan a jerk - it sounds like she was making an accurate observation if it was party food.

How do you feel when someone observes you wouldn't be so fat if at less and exercised more? What about observing your DH's hair has really thinned and he should cut it shorter since longer hair doesn't look good on him any more? How about observing your DC is unlikely to make the sports team since they really aren't as good at sports as you think they are?

Isn't one of the first things we teach out kids about interacting with others that just because something is accurate doesn't mean it needs to be said aloud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not Megan’s food, why does she care?

Really? You can't understand why anyone would care if a fridge full of food was tossed? You can't think of anyone who is food insecure or grew up that way who would see it as wasteful? You can't think of anyone who could have benefited from that food going into their belly instead of the trash? You can't think of any environmental implications either? Really?

Puh-lease. I bet you have a lawn, either have a lawn service or a gas mower and you spray for mosquitos/ticks. Do you know how bad those are for the environment? You don't think your willful blindness and contribution to global warming (bet you have an SUV as well) is concerning to those who are impacted by climate change? Do you know what your use of pesticides is doing to the bee population? How do you like being judged for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm Lilly in this case and I had an event at my house a few nights ago. After giving away most of the uneaten catering to the servers, staff, and taking few trays to the local fire station, the rest was in my fridge and freezer. My household staff took home what they wanted the day after the event. At this point, 3 days later, we were trying to corral the rest of the (Liquidy, sauce heavy) trays of food into the trash to toss.

That's when Megan dropped by. I told her I just needed to finish one thing. It was about 5 mins more of gathering up trash which is when she made the comment.

I don't disagree that it's wasteful to throw away food but short of inviting strangers off the street to come in and eat it, I was out of things to do with this food that was quickly going bad.

My local shelter won't take food that's already prepared which is why I took some of it to the fire station for the workers there who appreciated it.

Yes, I can understand that she grew up in a poor village but I guess my snippyness was more of an exasperated "What do you want me to do?".

I mean, you could have said to her what you said here just now. Or asked her *in seriousness* if she knows someone who would like the food. Your response just made you sound like an entitled, spoiled Marie Antoinette type.

This. We can't know the tone that Megan made the original comment, but it's clear that OP's response was sarcastic and nasty. I think it's obvious OP felt defensive and lashed out, while it's impossible to know how Megan phrased the original comment.

OP is struggling with acknowledging that throwing the food away is bad. Like, she knows it is, and she even made considerable effort to avoid it, but she still wound up throwing away a bunch of food which she knows isn't great. And her anger towards Megan is entirely based on her shame/embarassment over that, and has only a little to do with Megan's rudeness, if you can call it that, in voicing her opinion in that moment.

This is entirely about OP and her feelings about her own actions, and Megan is honestly only tangentially related.

Umm no. You don't get to make rude, judgmental remarks to others and then act innocent like you have no idea why they are snapping at you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lilly is the jerk, lashing out and accusing friend of being “superior” after friend’s comment.

Megan is at worst socially inappropriate, making an observation out loud that a lot of food was being thrown out (although I understand Lilly “heard” “YOU’RE wasting food” or something to the effect of being judged).

But it doesn’t make Megan a jerk - it sounds like she was making an accurate observation if it was party food.

How do you feel when someone observes you wouldn't be so fat if at less and exercised more? What about observing your DH's hair has really thinned and he should cut it shorter since longer hair doesn't look good on him any more? How about observing your DC is unlikely to make the sports team since they really aren't as good at sports as you think they are?

Isn't one of the first things we teach out kids about interacting with others that just because something is accurate doesn't mean it needs to be said aloud.

+1 I have no doubt those who don't think Megan was out of line would be singing a different tune if it was their MIL saying this to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lilly is the jerk, lashing out and accusing friend of being “superior” after friend’s comment.

Megan is at worst socially inappropriate, making an observation out loud that a lot of food was being thrown out (although I understand Lilly “heard” “YOU’RE wasting food” or something to the effect of being judged).

But it doesn’t make Megan a jerk - it sounds like she was making an accurate observation if it was party food.

How do you feel when someone observes you wouldn't be so fat if at less and exercised more? What about observing your DH's hair has really thinned and he should cut it shorter since longer hair doesn't look good on him any more? How about observing your DC is unlikely to make the sports team since they really aren't as good at sports as you think they are?

Isn't one of the first things we teach out kids about interacting with others that just because something is accurate doesn't mean it needs to be said aloud.

+1 I have no doubt those who don't think Megan was out of line would be singing a different tune if it was their MIL saying this to them.

All of those are not simply observations - there is also a judgement that follows observation which make them different from Megan’s statement.

Your examples are all observation + therefore you should...if you didn’t do xyz

Megan made an observation and OP “heard” a judgement added to the observation, as you also apparently are hearing.

I guess it’s how you define “jerk”.
In my book, judging others and making judgements about people “since you’re so superior” after friend makes an observation clearly counts as a jerk move.

You may have a lower threshold- any statements that are less than flattering and could be misconstrued as a judgement makes the person a jerk. This is a hard way to live.

[Anonymous]

Okay well sometimes observations don’t need to be said out loud. I can observe that you have acne, or that your house is messy, or that you’re fat but vocalizing it has no positive intention other than making the other person feel bad. Like, they know their house is dirty, or they’re fat, or their teeth are crooked… what exactly do you hope to accomplish by vocalizing those sentiments?

You sound like my mother. She will speak an “observation” and then say “I didn’t mean anything by it!!!” When the other person gets upset. If you didn’t mean anything by it, STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay well sometimes observations don’t need to be said out loud. I can observe that you have acne, or that your house is messy, or that you’re fat but vocalizing it has no positive intention other than making the other person feel bad. Like, they know their house is dirty, or they’re fat, or their teeth are crooked… what exactly do you hope to accomplish by vocalizing those sentiments?

You sound like my mother. She will speak an “observation” and then say “I didn’t mean anything by it!!!” When the other person gets upset. If you didn’t mean anything by it, STFU.

Hard way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm Lilly in this case and I had an event at my house a few nights ago. After giving away most of the uneaten catering to the servers, staff, and taking few trays to the local fire station, the rest was in my fridge and freezer. My household staff took home what they wanted the day after the event. At this point, 3 days later, we were trying to corral the rest of the (Liquidy, sauce heavy) trays of food into the trash to toss.

That's when Megan dropped by. I told her I just needed to finish one thing. It was about 5 mins more of gathering up trash which is when she made the comment.

I don't disagree that it's wasteful to throw away food but short of inviting strangers off the street to come in and eat it, I was out of things to do with this food that was quickly going bad.

My local shelter won't take food that's already prepared which is why I took some of it to the fire station for the workers there who appreciated it.

Yes, I can understand that she grew up in a poor village but I guess my snippyness was more of an exasperated "What do you want me to do?".

Why are you cleaning when you friend comes over? Should you not pause whatever you are doing to be with your guest?

[Anonymous]

Pp, read the thread. Friend showed up randomly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay well sometimes observations don’t need to be said out loud. I can observe that you have acne, or that your house is messy, or that you’re fat but vocalizing it has no positive intention other than making the other person feel bad. Like, they know their house is dirty, or they’re fat, or their teeth are crooked… what exactly do you hope to accomplish by vocalizing those sentiments?

You sound like my mother. She will speak an “observation” and then say “I didn’t mean anything by it!!!” When the other person gets upset. If you didn’t mean anything by it, STFU.

Hard way to live.

Yes. It’s so wrong to be annoyed/hurt when people are rude or thoughtless. It’s almost like maybe others should consider the feelings of those around them before they open their mouths.

[Anonymous]

Why is Lily doing chores when she has a guest?
Why can’t the housekeeper do her job unaided?
Why is Meghan overseeing the work of Lily’s housekeeper?

Meghan should have said “looks like this isn’t a good time for a visit” and excused herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Her comment was rude and mean spirited as well. She is frequently chastising me about things and never sees the wrong in the things she does. I don't point it out, but when others do, she gets super upset about it.

I'm aware that food waste isn't good and I don't make a habit of doing this. The reality is that she was aware of the party, she was aware that I gave away several tray of food and she's aware that I volunteer at a food pantry (part of the one that doesn't take prepped food for their soup kitchen ministry). At this point in time, the food was going bad and there was nothing to be done about it besides toss before it started to make my fridge smell bad.

So yes, I was defensive because her comments (as usual) are not constructive or particularly insightful, just a chance for her to act like she is superior.

FWIW, I have events at my home pretty often and this is the first time the catering numbers were off by so much. I told them 100 people for heavy appetizers and even after everyone ate lots of food, there was still a crazy amount left. Everyone who RSVP'd showed up, so it's not like only half the people showed and created all this food excess.
Some of the food was able to be frozen, which I did but other items needed to be eaten within a few days. It's not like with alcohol, it can just go on a shelf until the next event.

How would you feel about stepping back from the friendship? I would definitely give myself a deserved break but I'm not sure it's the best course. Friends should not rain their miserable judgments on you but they don't need to be perfectly polite all the time too. Megan has her own issues (manners being a big one) and part of being friends means accepting the whole person. Do you think you'd be happier just breaking off this friendship?