Unfriendly Classmate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the whole tread but OP, see this as a great opportunity for some real life experience for your DD. It's great that your DD is cheerful and friendly but she needs to understand that not everyone will reciprocate. It might confuse her or make her sad and that is ok too. She can decide if she still wants to greet this kid but don't expect anything back. Greet because it is the polite thing to do. In an ideal world, we would all greet our neighbors but sadly that is not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

DP - I don't know, but it clearly is, so your DD should stop doing it.

Look, OP, none of us know this girl, so none of us can say why she's behaving this way. And no one here is saying "this behavior is ideal, I hope my kid acts this way!" Yes, the kid is being rude. You've been given a ton of potential reasons why she might be acting like this that don't make her a mean girl. Why not lean into one of those? This is a 9 year old child. Mornings can be tough, social interactions can be tough, school can be tough -- yes, she's being rude, but why not just assume it's not because she's inherently mean and have some empathy. How does it help the situation to assume that it's because she's a mean person?

[Anonymous]

If the child is distancing themselves, I would argue that they are sending a message that your child is rude enough to ignore. So the shoe is on the other foot here! If the kid was standing right there and not mumbling a hello, sure, that would be rude of them. But at some distance away, and your kid doesn't pick on the cue that they don't want to interact?!?

Teach your kid manners, OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.

But people don’t consider that some people do. And you don’t know! I teach my kids to be polite but also be aware that they don’t know everything that’s going on with other people and there’s no reason to make everything about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space

But your daughter is coming up with a solution that affords her space without ignoring someone who is greeting her.

Also, you can say hi and still have space. You can say "Hi" and then turn to talk to your mom or get out a book to read. You can even say "Hi -- I'm going to take some space for myself, I'm just not a morning person."

Ignoring someone who says hello to you, that you know and see on a regular basis, actually IS rude, even if the reasons behind it are understandable. It's worth it to teach kids that they can set boundaries with other people without just shutting others out or ignoring them.

In OP original post "She stands at the top of her driveway, while my DD stands on the curb. "

Leave this girl the hell alone!

OP here... I truly mean this without any snark... but how is saying a quick "good morning" while giving her the physical space she seems to want, bothering her? Or enough to illicit a "Leave this girl the hell alone!" response? It's not like my DD is forcing her to have a conversation or invading her personal space.

DP - I don't know, but it clearly is, so your DD should stop doing it.

Look, OP, none of us know this girl, so none of us can say why she's behaving this way. And no one here is saying "this behavior is ideal, I hope my kid acts this way!" Yes, the kid is being rude. You've been given a ton of potential reasons why she might be acting like this that don't make her a mean girl. Why not lean into one of those? This is a 9 year old child. Mornings can be tough, social interactions can be tough, school can be tough -- yes, she's being rude, but why not just assume it's not because she's inherently mean and have some empathy. How does it help the situation to assume that it's because she's a mean person?

+2. I don't believe you OP that your concern here is to make the world a more polite place. You seem to think this girl is mean or this is personal towards your daughter. In substantial likelihood that is not the case...unless there is more info here we don't have. (And I don't think the girl has SN. I just think she's probably not a morning person/introverted/rough around the politeness edges.) Explain this to your DD in an age appropriate way and please move on.

(And what her mom is talking about -- excluding a child from a game at recess or similar -- IS actually mean. Even if 8 yr olds are not friends, there is no reason to actively disallow someone to play with you at recess. Good for the mom for saying something, actually.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree not to say anything to the other parent. Just continue to say hi or good morning to the mom and daughter at the bus stop, whether or not one or both of them return your greeting. That is being polite and is showing by example to your daughter about how to be polite.

As for your daughter, I also agree with what others posted here, that it could be a good learning experience. She may say that the girl doesn’t like her, and you can take the opportunity to say that everybody doesn’t always like everybody else or is friends with everybody and that is OK. You could also take the opportunity to talk about how sometimes you don’t know what somebody else is feeling. The other girl may be quiet or shy, or may be nervous or anxious about school, or may be super tired or grumpy and doesn’t like to talk in the morning.

What you want your daughter to know is it is kind and thoughtful to greet people she knows or new people she meets, regardless of whether she is ignored. If she is feeling hurt by saying hello, or good morning to the other girl and not getting a reply, you could suggest that she wave or smile instead. And then take the opportunity to talk to your daughter about how good it is to focus on her friends and friendships, and being a kind person, even if others may not be the same.

OP here, thank you for the thoughtful response. I definitely am not expecting them to be friends, but I'm just a little put off by the outright rudeness. The parents are not there in the morning. I've also seen it in the afternoon when they get off the bus. My DD will say "bye Larla!" and the girl ignores her then too. It's odd. If her mom is there, I've seen her correct her, so I know her mom knows better.

Correct, I don't know 1000000000% for sure that this girl doesn't have special needs, but having known this family long enough, I am fairly certain. Also, I agree with some of the other posters to say that it's far more likely that she's just rude vs. being on the spectrum (or other issues). But of course, there's always exceptions, and I will try to keep that in mind.

I also don't know 1000000000% for sure that my DD is not mean to her when I'm not there, but I am fairly certain she is not. I've always heard from teachers that DD is very inclusive to others, as well as that being my experience watching her play as well. She's not perfect, but it'd be hard for me to imagine her being outright unkind.

I've told DD to not let it bother her and to continue to be polite. It really only started to irk me when this mom goes off on tirades about "unkind kids" at school for relatively minor infractions like not letting someone play with them at recess one day.

You know there are lots of reasons girls this age dislike each other. There’s one in my DD grade who is prone to getting upset over perceived slights and reporting everything back to adults (and some times getting them in mild trouble). Sound like anyone you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No other kid owes your child friendship. It doesn't mean you have to like it. It is what it is. Teach your child how to exist amid their peers who ignore them, teach them to be strong.

This.

Not asking for friendship, I just find it incredibly disrespectful to ignore someone when they speak to you

Right! I would say something to the mom. “Hey, I know you think being friendly and kind is important, just wanted to let you know my daughter had said hello a number of times and your daughter never acknowledges her polite greeting.”

Saying hello when someone says hello to you is basic politeness. No one is saying she needs to come down and have a chat, but at least wave or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If the child is distancing themselves, I would argue that they are sending a message that your child is rude enough to ignore. So the shoe is on the other foot here! If the kid was standing right there and not mumbling a hello, sure, that would be rude of them. But at some distance away, and your kid doesn't pick on the cue that they don't want to interact?!?

Teach your kid manners, OP!!!

+1 teach your kid social cues.

[Anonymous]

There's such a tendency/desire to respond to an OP's posts with criticism that all common sense goes out the window.

If the other mother is big on everyone being kind and polite and inclusive, it is highly unlikely that her own DD has a neuro-atypical issue that prohibits decent behavior.

OP I always tell my kids that this is a learning moment. Bored, uninterested people are boring and uninteresting. This girl doesn't seem happy. That is sad. Let how you feel in this moment serve as a reminder to go out of your way to show kindness to others.

We're too willing to not judge and make excuses and say everyone is great. Some people have poor character. Some people are not good people. It's a good skill to be able to identify this. I am not talking about the girl because she is a young child. I am talking about her parents and they way she is being raised and what her parents puts up with. Her mom also sounds like a hypocrite.

This is why girls falter with friendships in MS/HS and relationships in college. Assuming the best from people who do not deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If the child is distancing themselves, I would argue that they are sending a message that your child is rude enough to ignore. So the shoe is on the other foot here! If the kid was standing right there and not mumbling a hello, sure, that would be rude of them. But at some distance away, and your kid doesn't pick on the cue that they don't want to interact?!?

Teach your kid manners, OP!!!

+1 teach your kid social cues.

Op here. She definitely has adjusted her approach... she used to run up to her to chat, but stopped that. Then eventually talked to her less and less. I suppose she too could follow the same approach of completely ignoring her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP. My daughter is like the child you are describing and she is very shy/has social anxiety. We have been working really, really hard on getting her to wave back to people who say hi to her, to look at people when they talk to her, etc., but it has been really, really hard. One thing I tell her is that unfortunately, other kids are going to think she's rude for not saying hello back to them, but she's not TRYING to be mean or TRYING to be rude, she just really has a hard time in social situations.

Fortunately for my daughter, the kids in her grade ARE very kind and have a lot of empathy towards her. There are several whose parents have clearly explained to them that my daughter is not mean, she's just very shy, and they keep saying hi, and she has finally started looking up and saying hi back to them.

I'm glad to live in an area with people who are kind and have empathy and not around people like you who just automatically assume the worst of people.

For every kid with a story like this there are dozens of kids who are just rude. I've seen it with my own eyes. They are perfectly capable of greeting others when it suits them and then rude some of the time.

It's not assuming the worst, it's assuming what's likely going on which is what we all do every day in countless situations.

Yes. It’s odd to me that so many posters here are so eager to attribute basic, solvable issues to rare issues of neurology (selective mutism) or other conditions that typically carry a host of other tricky issues (other spectrum diagnoses). But it makes sense. “It’s because of this neurological disorder, you cruel presumptuous parent” salves the ego for those who are always victims in every circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.

23489237493 people have already said this. OP is agreeing with all of them, why do you need to post this?

I tell my socially awkward girl that people may think she's rude.. I guess I'm right. People suck

You certainly do. Stop lashing out at people for your failure to parent your child.

Or sincerely, get them help. There are therapists that can role play all of this stuff. Help your child. This is extreme anxiety and is affecting their life. My kid had something kind of like this going on that was affecting his life and we got him help.

Is there a therapist who can role play "what to do when someone doesn't return your greeting?" Because it sounds like some kids (or, more likely, their moms) are absolutely melting down about the horrifying "rudeness" in a way that makes me think there's something else going on there.

No one is melting down and way to deflect. People notice when people are rude and then eventually they stop bothering to engage with the person. It's just reality. Do whatever you want but if it was me I'd get my kid help.

She’s smug about raising a rude kid. It’s stupid, but so is she.