Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak

[Anonymous]

Why are you messing around trying to access funds that aren’t yours? You’re probably a terrible investor. What kind of argument is going to ensue when you get your paws on her baptism money and lose it? Is it worth all the meddling? Leave her alone. Invest your own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has it occurred to anybody that she doesn’t have to do this if she doesn’t feel an urgency? Why is this any of OP’s business to make her do this? Her bonds, her timeline. I wouldn’t do it on my husband’s insistence either. Leave her alone.

This. They are her bonds and if she doesn’t see the urgency, why are you worried. Do you need the money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small list front and center on the refrigerator. Break the task into multiple steps, if necessary. Push everyday for her to complete.

Just no. She can do this if she wants

[Anonymous]

The bank down the street from my house notarizes and there is no fee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a second I actually thought this might be my husband posting! Your wife sounds like me - I’m super big picture and strategic, but the details and little things are constantly biting me in the ass. And I’m willing to bet this is one of your wife’s biggest insecurities (I know it is for me). I’m too focused on the big/long-term things (I.e.,managing multiple investment accounts, saving for college or retirement, my future career moves, how to improve our property value) that the day to day maintenance just gets overwhelming and deprioritized in my head. I can sleep peacefully knowing that if my husband were to die or leave me tomorrow, me and my kids will be just fine. Meanwhile, I’m driving on expired tags, have a giant pile of laundry that I am avoiding like the plague, and just got a call that my vet bill has been piling up for 3 months because I forgot to call and give them my new credit card number when my old one expired.

My husband is super organized and detail oriented and gets on me all the time for this. Him thinking I’m lazy or incompetent is the worst feeling in the world, when I’m working so hard to set us up for the future. I don’t think he appreciated it until he had an unexpected death in his immediate family and couldn’t function at work, and was able to comfortably take a 6 month leave of absence without pay because I have built such a cushion for us to prepare for these things.

I’m willing to bet your wife is similar - she cares greatly, just not about the small things. (Even if it’s not financial/she doesn’t work). But the small things do matter and I’ve made a concerted effort to try to get more organized. My husband also steps up and offers to do some of the “little tasks” like scheduling appointments, doing laundry, etc., because they are a breeze for him, but I get overwhelmed. In exchange I do his taxes and handle the emotional side of things with our kids that he hates doing (we have teenagers and they are emotional train wrecks at times). I come up with ideas for our house and draw them up and then he executes them and makes them happen. We both use our strengths to accomplish things together.

I would start by appreciating the things she does that she sees as important. Letting her know how much it means to you. Then try to help her with the little things that seem to frustrate or overwhelm her. And talk about getting a good organization system in place (storage for things, bins inside of cabinets, everything must have a place), making it easy to just put things where they go.

Take it easy on her.

This sounds so much like me, right up the the vet bill! My husband gets on me about stuff like this. Right now, he is frustrated that I haven’t submitted some receipts for reimbursement to my department yet. But I do handle all of the big picture stuff. He was also able to take about a year off of work, and leave the country for a period of time to pursue an academic interest while I supported the family and took care of the house, dog, and kids at home.
It’s really hurtful to be shamed about the thing that I am most insecure about or refers to me as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.

It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.

It’s not 3k. It’s not like there is something that they need, and she is refusing to take the bonds in and get the money.
The OP is upset that the money is just sitting in bonds when it could be invested in the stock market. So, it’s the difference between the interest earned in $2500 in bonds vs the interest earned investing the money. And honestly, if we are just looking at 2022, she was probably better off keeping the bonds in her sock drawer.

[Anonymous]

Fill out the form and take her to a notary who doesn’t require an appointment; then mail the form in. It is what it is, she doesn’t want to do it.
I am pretty organized and I like checking off errands from the list but even I have things I don’t want to do and keep putting off. Just help her out if you need this done.

[Anonymous]

99.9% of the times my DH prefaces a statement with “we should” what he is actually saying “can you…” I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

True this could be adhd.

I think people who are not busy also tend to delay doing things so they always have “something to do (in the future)”. It’s a way of pretending to be useful when not busy.

Either way it’s not good.

She needs an exec functioning coach, set some daily/ weekly/monthly goals and To Dos, and the coach will hold her accountable and work on good habits.

Does she work? Volunteer a lot? Sit on boards? The more one has to do the more naturally organized they become, and productive.

[Anonymous]

OP most banks and libraries have free notary services without needing an appointment take her there.

From now on make lists in the kitchen of things to do where you both can see them. A white board on the fridge something like that.

[Anonymous]

Also ANY ups store too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 30s. My spouse has a habit of not following through on stuff. She'll say stuff out of the blue like "oh we should wake up early and go for runs in the AM", "oh we should do X more often", "oh I need to remember to mail this form in", "oh I need to remember to cancel X this week", and then she forgets about it or does nothing to actually see things to the end. When I ask her nicely about it she gets angry or frustrated.

There were some pretty bad codependency and boundary issues with her parents that we've addressed via marriage counseling that I think have something to do with it, where even in married adulthood she'd fall into the helpless young child role and let strong and smart mom and dad basically do things and make all decisions for her.

Most recently there were some old paper bonds in her name she received as baptism gifts in the 90s. Today they're worth ~$2500. There's a Treasury form you need to print, get notarized, and mail in. Treasury direct deposits the proceeds. That's pretty much it. Her mom handed over the bonds in January 2022. She needs me to drive her to the bank because she doesn't feel comfortable driving in the city. Notary has to be BoA because they're free to their cardholders and she doesn't want to pay a fee for a notary.

In early 2022 I asked if she has downtime can she call BoA and get a notary appointment. She forgets to call. I ask her a week later. She forgets again and there's an argument because I'm "impatient" and she will handle it. Fast forward a full year, I say "hey maybe we should cash the bonds so we can invest them rather than just $2500 sitting in unusable paper form". She promises to call but forgets again. I ask her again 2 weeks later and same cycle, argument because I'm impatient and she will handle it.

I'd love to just take care of it myself (which is what typically ends up happening), but the bonds are not in my name and I can't call BoA and impersonate her to make a notary appointment. This is just the most recent example. I try to be patient but sometimes it just feels like I'm dealing with a child rather than an equal partner.

Doesn’t everyone do this sometimes? I mean, if I say that I want to start doing yoga videos in casual conversation, how long am I obligated to do daily yoga without being a lazy procrastinator? A week? A month? Is this my life now?
How often do you say that you are going to do stuff, and then you don’t actually follow through or you kind of let it peter out without making a conscious decision to stop doing it? Ever tell your mom that you would visit more often or that you would call every week? Ever say that you might want to take a trip to xyz and not actually make plans to go? Ever join a gym and pay for the membership for months after you stopped going regularly? Why is it different when your wife does it?

[Anonymous]

Isn’t it kind of good that she kept her paper bonds and didn’t invest the money last year? I get that it wasn’t a purposeful decision, and you are frustrated, but, but it wasn’t a great year to invest. You didn’t actually lose any money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

And this right here is exactly what keeps people from a diagnosis, keeps those of us with ADHD in constant self loathing, and destroys relationships. These tasks are actually incredibly hard for her, OP. It’s okay to be frustrated but she’s not being lazy. She’s struggling. She doesn’t want to be this person. You can get help or at least set her up for success by operating differently.

+1

It’s not “an excuse”. It’s understanding the issue and how to fix it.

+2 An ADHD diagnosis comes with MORE responsibility. Stop making excuses. Seek out meds that work. Learn and practice behavior strategies. Practice forgiveness. Rinse and repeat. People can spend a lifetime on this. Their life expectancy, earning potential, relationships, and mental health depend on it so they have to keep working. Anyone can call themselves a lazy procrastinator and refuse to face their issues.

[Anonymous]

I am totally your wife, except in my case I also don’t have the paper copies of the bonds and have to somehow figure out how to get them.