DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend taking him to the hospital to get checked out if you can't get in touch with his therapist. Locally, I would recommend Suburban or INOVA, depending upon where you live. Suburban will take only voluntary psych patients, but will transfer your husband if he need involuntary admission. He sounds at the very least passively suicidal, even if he doesn't have a plan. Suburban and INOVA also have "Partial Hospitalization Programs," which are day programs. Passive suicidality, not eating should qualify him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a wayward wife who had a d-day. The few months after the d-day were, obviously, very difficult for both my H and I. Your WH needs to focus on individual therapy. Obviously he has not been working on healthier coping skills if he is at this point. Have you reached out to the therapist? That person needs to know exactly where things are.

As for his work and your travel, I would wait and see how things are tomorrow afternoon. While my time after d-day was very difficult, I did not want to "leave." I felt very vulnerable and knew my choices would have consequences that I would have to face. My therapist helped me deal with that in a healthy, authentic manner. Honestly your situation sounds like your H either needs immediate medication, or is trying to avoid facing what he done so much that he is doing extreme mental gymnastics to avoid it, including talk of suicide. I've worked with many wayward spouses after my experience, and unfortunately there are some who refuse to accept what they have done no matter what. Some will literally do *anything* to avoid being seen as the "bad guy."

Finally I hope you, OP, have support from either friends, family, or a therapist. It is up to you whether you do your work trip but I agree with PP that leaving the children with your H is a no-go at this time. I am sending you strength to get through this weekend. 

Wtf is a D-Day in this context?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here-

I'm also supposed to leave for my first business trip since I got a promotion on Monday. Is this something I can/should be honest with my boss about?

Do I try to reach DHs individual therapist somehow?

My reply is 100% influenced by the affair. Otherwise I would say DH comes first.

If you can get your in-laws or parents to help with the kids, I would 100% go on this business trip

You don't know what the future holds. If your marriage will last. You deserve to put yourself first too (along with kids). He certainly did.

+1. And I also call MAJOR bullcrap on this breakdown happening right as you are headed out for your first business trip after your promotion, OP. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's playing you like a fiddle here.

This. He is playing OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here-

I'm also supposed to leave for my first business trip since I got a promotion on Monday. Is this something I can/should be honest with my boss about?

Do I try to reach DHs individual therapist somehow?

My reply is 100% influenced by the affair. Otherwise I would say DH comes first.

If you can get your in-laws or parents to help with the kids, I would 100% go on this business trip

You don't know what the future holds. If your marriage will last. You deserve to put yourself first too (along with kids). He certainly did.

+1. And I also call MAJOR bullcrap on this breakdown happening right as you are headed out for your first business trip after your promotion, OP. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's playing you like a fiddle here.

This. He is playing OP.

Bluntly, all of you insisting you KNOW what is happening are projecting your own issues. Given the context OP has described: an affair, discover, several months of intensive therapy - i.e., all stressful - and then a period of extreme stress and very little sleep, actual suicidal ideation/intent and a major depressive episode are entirely plausible. Moreover, you don’t diagnose personality disorder based on something you read online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a wayward wife who had a d-day. The few months after the d-day were, obviously, very difficult for both my H and I. Your WH needs to focus on individual therapy. Obviously he has not been working on healthier coping skills if he is at this point. Have you reached out to the therapist? That person needs to know exactly where things are.

As for his work and your travel, I would wait and see how things are tomorrow afternoon. While my time after d-day was very difficult, I did not want to "leave." I felt very vulnerable and knew my choices would have consequences that I would have to face. My therapist helped me deal with that in a healthy, authentic manner. Honestly your situation sounds like your H either needs immediate medication, or is trying to avoid facing what he done so much that he is doing extreme mental gymnastics to avoid it, including talk of suicide. I've worked with many wayward spouses after my experience, and unfortunately there are some who refuse to accept what they have done no matter what. Some will literally do *anything* to avoid being seen as the "bad guy."

Finally I hope you, OP, have support from either friends, family, or a therapist. It is up to you whether you do your work trip but I agree with PP that leaving the children with your H is a no-go at this time. I am sending you strength to get through this weekend. 

Wtf is a D-Day in this context?

Given the context, I’m guessing discovery day, although at first I was thinking the same thing you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here-

I'm also supposed to leave for my first business trip since I got a promotion on Monday. Is this something I can/should be honest with my boss about?

Do I try to reach DHs individual therapist somehow?

My reply is 100% influenced by the affair. Otherwise I would say DH comes first.

If you can get your in-laws or parents to help with the kids, I would 100% go on this business trip

You don't know what the future holds. If your marriage will last. You deserve to put yourself first too (along with kids). He certainly did.

+1. And I also call MAJOR bullcrap on this breakdown happening right as you are headed out for your first business trip after your promotion, OP. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's playing you like a fiddle here.

This. He is playing OP.

Bluntly, all of you insisting you KNOW what is happening are projecting your own issues. Given the context OP has described: an affair, discover, several months of intensive therapy - i.e., all stressful - and then a period of extreme stress and very little sleep, actual suicidal ideation/intent and a major depressive episode are entirely plausible. Moreover, you don’t diagnose personality disorder based on something you read online.

PP here. I'm not projecting anything. I have not been in this situation at all. It's just my impression. I hope I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been you, OP. It was all five years ago. I kicked him out of the house but helped him get medical care. Then we reconciled.

You cannot leave your kids alone with him so if that is what the business trip requires, cancel the trip. PPs have given you good language—it’s a medical emergency, that’s it.

Sending you all the good vibes. It’s the worst.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's healthy for either OP or her husband to remain married and sharing the same house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here-

I'm also supposed to leave for my first business trip since I got a promotion on Monday. Is this something I can/should be honest with my boss about?

Do I try to reach DHs individual therapist somehow?

My reply is 100% influenced by the affair. Otherwise I would say DH comes first.

If you can get your in-laws or parents to help with the kids, I would 100% go on this business trip

You don't know what the future holds. If your marriage will last. You deserve to put yourself first too (along with kids). He certainly did.

+1. And I also call MAJOR bullcrap on this breakdown happening right as you are headed out for your first business trip after your promotion, OP. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's playing you like a fiddle here.

This. He is playing OP.

Bluntly, all of you insisting you KNOW what is happening are projecting your own issues. Given the context OP has described: an affair, discover, several months of intensive therapy - i.e., all stressful - and then a period of extreme stress and very little sleep, actual suicidal ideation/intent and a major depressive episode are entirely plausible. Moreover, you don’t diagnose personality disorder based on something you read online.

So when work makes hard demands of him, he rises up and works long nights and delivers.

When his wife asks work of him, it’s emotional toil that is pushing him to suicide.

I have a number of mentally ill family members, and you need to remove yourself from him. I would talk to psychiatrist and speak to his suicide ideation (hopefully he texted or emailed you) and get a court order that he can’t be with kids alone. Then make him move out, though that may be trickier. He is, whether by instinct or intent, finding ways to ensnare you and get his way.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the prior 2 posters that staying married is unhealthy for both of you and he is trying to ensnare you, consciously or not.

Speak to a lawyer about how to separate while ensuring the kids are safe. If you don't have documentation of his suicidal ideation, work on that. And on getting insurance though your job for you.

Was he admitted?

It is unclear if he will remain employable. A lot of things may be about to change.

Get yourself really good support, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

100% this. If you are a high performer who never has to back out of something, you'll be fine saying a family health emergency, DH hospitalized. Ignore the drama about sacrificing your career because you can't take one business trip. BTDT.

My mom is a manipulator and told us she was going to die, and she was lying. Then she gaslit us and said she never said that. She did it a second time because she didn’t want me to go on a trip to see a dying relative. I went anyway.

Idk if your husband is faking or not but I’m suspicious. I guess the professionals will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

OP was thinking of this thread and came back to say I’m sorry you are going through this. So horrible. I haven’t been through this or anything like this but in general I think what I would do is focus on my kids. Mine are pretty anxious and one has mental health issues and a business trip for me would be a lot already so I wouldn’t leave them with my in laws who they know but have never been cared for by. It also depends how important this trip is and if you think you can focus if you go. I do believe most employers will give you a lot of slack for a single medical emergency so I would focus on making sure you don’t get caught flat footed in the future. Build routines you can do on your own and get your kids really familiar with a couple regular sitters. I’d decline all but totally essential travel for a while. You have no way of knowing what is going to happen with your husband so the best thing you can do for your kids is put on your air supply and be ready for whatever comes.

I think you can tell your in laws they need to be helping with your WH mental health, not your kids. Your kids need a stable parent in their life and you deserve to not be manipulated (intentionally or unintentionally) by your WH actions into something you will later regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I did not read the whole thread, but I assume DH came clean about things and is not actively cheating. He's obviously very depressed. I hope you aren't driving him to insanity with all the couples therapy and talks and whatever. I don't mean to victim blame. Just putting out there in case you are riding him too hard.

I would hire a nanny for while you're gone. Even if it's care.com. And I'd see if therapist can speak to him to assess suicidality.

You suck for implying there is any way this is OP’s fault. F off with that

[Anonymous]

OP once you figure out anything about his treatment contact his work and let them know that DH is undergoing a medical emergency and will need to take time off and ask them to connect you with HR to talk about leave options. He may qualify for leave under the ADA even if he is not eligible for FMLA. Say to HR that you want to explore any leave options he may have available, including short term disability or leave as an accommodation under ADA.

Do not disclose the nature of his medical needs to his work. They do not need to know. Just tell them he is incapacitated and have the doctors fill out the forms they send you.

Lots of Hr is terrible so they may not make this easier for you (I am a HR director) but if you have questions I can try to give advice.

[Anonymous]

Can’t believe all the people suggesting DH is emotionally manipulating her - if he has really recognized how bad he screwed up and internalized it, he is probably mired in shame and suffering cognitive dissonance between how he sees himself/wants to see himself and what he did. Suicidal ideation under those circumstances is not shocking.