DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people saying that OP's DH is just trying to sabotage her career or whatever are psycho. You are the same people who think a depressed person shows a moral weakness and they should just "snap out of it." You all suck, big time.

I doubt her was looking to sabotage her career. As he messed around while travelling for work, maybe he fears she will now go do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people saying that OP's DH is just trying to sabotage her career or whatever are psycho. You are the same people who think a depressed person shows a moral weakness and they should just "snap out of it." You all suck, big time.

The trouble with being a cheater is you’re also— always— a liar. It takes a long, long time to rebuild the trust in a relationship once it’s lost. OPs husband has lost the benefit of the doubt that he’s being honest and so when someone has all the energy to put towards their own advancement and yet interestingly when it’s time to support his wife’s advancement it’s just not there…yeah that rings suspect.

If you want your spouse to believe you when you need them, you need to be a trustworthy person.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever come back after planning to take him to the ER?

Hope he is somewhere safe OP. Best wishes to you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, hope everything is ok with you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:30 again -

You can tell your boss you have a family medical emergency (true) and can no longer go on the business trip. I wouldn’t go in these circumstances, not with kids in the picture.

+1

And if he is going to miss work call it “illness” or sick. No details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT

You call his therapist.

You aren’t responsible, that is hard to hear but he needs to own all.of.his.shit.

If you have guns or opioids remove them from the house.

Step back, he and his therapist need to work this out.

He needs to take sick leave for 1-2 weeks. He does NOT need to tell his boss why. He tells his therapist to work with his primary care to write a letter to work saying he is having a major medical emergency and will be off.

He need individual NOT MARITAL therapy. He needs to go 2x a week for now. If he has trauma in his past he needs to do DBT.


Yes to all of this

His affair, his suicide ideation HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

You continue your life as a strong, intelligent, caring mother and employee. I know you are carrying a huge emotional load.

Ask in laws to come and care for the kids while you are away.

Do not change your plans with his emotionally manipulative actions.

If you aren’t in individual therapy do that, put marital therapy on the back burner.

Get a cleaner, someone to cut your lawn, order in… do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. It’s going to be for a short period of time.

Work and kids are your focus.

Read about the 180 in affairs and chump lady.

[Anonymous]

WH??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did OP ever come back after planning to take him to the ER?

Hope he is somewhere safe OP. Best wishes to you and your kids.

Yeah, I'm hoping we hear back. Both about the DH's outcome and whether she went on her work trip. I wonder if the silence here means she did take the trip. I hppe the immediate crisis passed and things worked out safely for everyone, for now.

I also think we never found out, did we?, if she was the OP of the lengthy thread where a DW discovered while on an international vacation that her DH had had a years-long affair via text etc. and they had very enmeshed families and youngish kids. Of course she does NOT owe us strangers that information if she is indeed the same OP. But it provides some context to her DH's actions if she's the same DW, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I did not read the whole thread, but I assume DH came clean about things and is not actively cheating. He's obviously very depressed. I hope you aren't driving him to insanity with all the couples therapy and talks and whatever. I don't mean to victim blame. Just putting out there in case you are riding him too hard.

I would hire a nanny for while you're gone. Even if it's care.com. And I'd see if therapist can speak to him to assess suicidality.

I can’t imagine any stranger from Care.com who would feel comfortable being in a house with someone who is thinking about suicide. it’s not fair to the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I did not read the whole thread, but I assume DH came clean about things and is not actively cheating. He's obviously very depressed. I hope you aren't driving him to insanity with all the couples therapy and talks and whatever. I don't mean to victim blame. Just putting out there in case you are riding him too hard.

I would hire a nanny for while you're gone. Even if it's care.com. And I'd see if therapist can speak to him to assess suicidality.

I can’t imagine any stranger from Care.com who would feel comfortable being in a house with someone who is thinking about suicide. it’s not fair to the nanny.

He’s not considering suicide. He’s trying to manipulate his wife because he got caught cheating. He is lying just like he lied when he was sleeping with a woman who isn’t his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I did not read the whole thread, but I assume DH came clean about things and is not actively cheating. He's obviously very depressed. I hope you aren't driving him to insanity with all the couples therapy and talks and whatever. I don't mean to victim blame. Just putting out there in case you are riding him too hard.

I would hire a nanny for while you're gone. Even if it's care.com. And I'd see if therapist can speak to him to assess suicidality.

I can’t imagine any stranger from Care.com who would feel comfortable being in a house with someone who is thinking about suicide. it’s not fair to the nanny.

He’s not considering suicide. He’s trying to manipulate his wife because he got caught cheating. He is lying just like he lied when he was sleeping with a woman who isn’t his wife.

Apparently you are posting from directly inside the DH's brain. That's the only way you could have such complete assurance you know exactly what he's thinking.

It's a-hole arrogant posts like yours that probably have kept the OP from coming back here. Sure, he might be lying and laughing at her every second her back is turned. He might be manipulating her. But if he's not, and she has no way to know if he's not, the risk is huge. She can only operate based on what she actually sees and hears from him. Not on what strangers on the internet say when they insist they magically know his motivations. I suspect you were a victim of a manipulative partner and I'm sorry about that. But projecting that onto a situation involving strangers is giving terrible advice, if you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

Omg, OP. There is tons of great advice here. I don’t have anything to add other than my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-

I'm also supposed to leave for my first business trip since I got a promotion on Monday. Is this something I can/should be honest with my boss about?

Do I try to reach DHs individual therapist somehow?

This part is easy. My husband has been hospitalized--I am unable to go on XYZ business trip.

For his work, my husband has been hospitalized and is unable to work. I will keep you apprised of his expected return to work. I recognize he is not eligible for FMLA. What are the chances he can keep his job?

[sarah_moore_lpc]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Suicide is so scary and we can't get the normal community support.

Sounds like DH's depression is so serious that it lead to an affair. Without the affair, he's even more destabilized. Is suicide something that has happened before in his family? This can be really hard to find out. But that's usually the "why".

Whether or not to hospitalize is a really tough call and best left to a clinician, medical or mental health professional. Please don't put that burden on yourself. One of the psychiatrists I work with told me about IPAC, part of Inova Fairfax. It's an urgent care for adult psychiatry. Same-day psychiatric assessment and medication management, which is what folks mostly get when they're hospitalized. Regular business hours, not 24-7. For others possibly reading this, not for teens. Lots of highly trained psychiatry interns and residents: https://www.inova.org/locations/inova-psychiatric-assessment-center-ipac

Medication a must (it does wonders).
At least 2x a week individual therapy. Medication provider will likely have people to refer to and there's always Psychology Today.

For work, I'd maybe recommend talking to a lawyer. The Women's Center, I believe, has lawyers who will give free consultations.

I have not read every word of the comments as I'm in the car now, but if you are not, I really hope you give yourself some time in therapy to process this and learn how to support DH and the kids. It's a lot and at a certain point friends can only do so much. You've got this.

[Anonymous]

OP, what happened with your spouse? Did her improve ?