DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op

Yes, I'm in IC. Going to table MC for now.

Yes, I removed the gun from the house a couple weeks ago when I saw his mental health starting to decline and he made the first comment that was "every minute of everyday I'm struggling to stay alive".

You can do this.

Are his parents good and helpful or terrible and toxic?

How far are they from you? Could he go there for a bit to remove all the toxic energy from your house?

Do you have enough $ to hire a nanny/babysitter if needed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is WH?

Wife here. That’s my guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is WH?

Wayward Husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is WH?

Wife here. That’s my guess.

only reason i clicked on this thread is to find out what WH is (plus it's raining)

[Anonymous]

What are IC and MC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are IC and MC?

Individual counseling, marriage counseling

[Anonymous]

Yes. Reach out to his individual therapist to communicate what is happening.

Tell supervisor you have a family emergency but do not break your family members confidence. The boss doesn’t need to know all your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is WH?

Wife here. That’s my guess.

I thought it meant White House

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op

Yes, I'm in IC. Going to table MC for now.

Yes, I removed the gun from the house a couple weeks ago when I saw his mental health starting to decline and he made the first comment that was "every minute of everyday I'm struggling to stay alive".

You can do this.

Are his parents good and helpful or terrible and toxic?

How far are they from you? Could he go there for a bit to remove all the toxic energy from your house?

Do you have enough $ to hire a nanny/babysitter if needed?

Or
Even better is there somewhere safe and loving the children can go for the weekend?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely tell your employer "my husband's in the hospital, I can't travel right now." They don't need to know why or what kind of hospital. It would be weird for you to travel in this situation, particularly with little kids.

What I would do:
-contact his work, "Bob's had a medical emergency and is in the hospital. I don't have more info to share now. Please tell me what you need from me."
-it sounds like you have a good support system for kid stuff? I would just call everyone in-if possible get enough coverage not to just cover the essentials but to give yourself some time to be alone and take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think OP has been spending A LOT of time on message boards for cheated-upon spouses, leading to use of a lot of acronyms that we don't tend to use here on DCUM (every internet subculture is unique!)

The prior posters (PPs) are right that the husband needs to own his own shit. He made a series of terrible choices, and each of them was a deliberate decision. Now he would rather end his own life than take the series of decisions/choices that will be required to fix his life.

These are two sides of the same coin! It's easy to make bad decisions and hard to make good ones and/or fix your mistakes, and OP's husband would rather ruin his kids' lives than do the work it would take to just fix himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A big part of this seems to be lack of sleep and stress.

OP, your husband has unhealthy modes of coping. He probably needs to learn new skills. We don’t learn well under stressful situations.

If you want to make it through with your family intact, you need to take some pressure off of him in the next few months. That may not be what you want to hear, but it’s true.

He’s feeling a lot of shame and the threat of abandonment is overwhelming. That’s not your job to fix. But you could give more space and let him pace himself.

I agree. Let him move out.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there! This is rough stuff. Take it one day at a time.
It is good that he is communicating how he is feeling.
Hopefully this is rock bottom and things will improve.
We are rooting for you and your family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has been spending A LOT of time on message boards for cheated-upon spouses, leading to use of a lot of acronyms that we don't tend to use here on DCUM (every internet subculture is unique!)

The prior posters (PPs) are right that the husband needs to own his own shit. He made a series of terrible choices, and each of them was a deliberate decision. Now he would rather end his own life than take the series of decisions/choices that will be required to fix his life.

These are two sides of the same coin! It's easy to make bad decisions and hard to make good ones and/or fix your mistakes, and OP's husband would rather ruin his kids' lives than do the work it would take to just fix himself.

That’s one way to see it. Another way is that he is so embedded in the family dynamic that he cannot take responsibility for himself. That’s why I think he needs to get out of the house and OP needs to stop trying to fix him/fix marriage. Instead of in laws coming to help OP, send him to go live with in laws. Then OP hire whatever help she needs, or get her own relatives to help.

I’m not one to be unsympathetic to mental health problems, but the DH in this scenario seems to be bound and determined to drag the family down. Let him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:30 again -

You can tell your boss you have a family medical emergency (true) and can no longer go on the business trip. I wouldn’t go in these circumstances, not with kids in the picture.

Yikes, strongly disagree. As a former wife to a DH with serious mental illness who cheated, I wish I had understood that, even at a time of crisis, the most important thing was for me NOT to sacrifice my own career and earning power. In fact, the best thing for all of us (mentally ill spouse and me and kids) was to maintain, stabilize and increase career and earning power. Everything is tied to that - financial ability to pay for good treatment, access to good quality medical insurance partially paid by employer, Social Security and Medicare credits from working, access to credit/loans, etc.

The way you maintain your career and help DH is by asking for help from reliable family and friends, even if it’s “embarrassing” (although no one should feel embarrassed about mental health care - you’d ask for help if he had a heart attack, right?).

Ask his family to step up and have someone move with him and kids while you are gone. Or ask if he and kids can stay with someone else while you’re gone - either separately or together. He could stay with family and kids could stay with friends - again either together or separately. If your kids have friends - strategize about asking for a “sleepover” just explain that there is a family crisis and DH can’t take care of the kids while you are away on first big business trip in new promotion.

I agree with others that suicidal talk rarely results in hospitalization unless there is a plan to accomplish it.

Is he only doing individual therapy? He needs to see a psychiatrist immediately, get evaluated, and follow any medication recommendations.

In sickness and in health does NOT mean that you sacrifice career and earning power to “fix” him. You are the one keeping the family afloat - I wish I had recognized that much sooner.

As other PPs have said, he merely has to call in and say he’s taking a sick day on Monday. He doesn’t have to disclose condition, until company policy requires him to provide medical documentation for sick or disability leave. He can use neutral phrase like “health emergency”. PPs are also right that he has some protection from disability law. If his or your employer offers an EAP with legal advice you may be able to get some employment law advice.

That said, people do get fired, legally & illegally, so you need to be prepared. If he gets fired, it will be a “special event” that entitles you to get healthcare for you all with your employer or on the ACA marketplace even though it’s not open season.