DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

[Anonymous]

My Dh's affair came out several months ago, we've been doing intense individual and marriage counseling that has overall been going well but we been A LOT of emotional labor and there's major mental/emotional exhaustion on both ends. His work had a crisis the last two weeks that has required him to work insane hours and jump in to take on duties outside of his role. Our kids are 6 and under so home life is chaotic. Thursday night we had a "regression" not affair related but he told me a stupid white lie that he came clean about the next morning. I did not yell or anything, but conveyed my extreme disappointment after all the work we've been doing. He came to me sobbing saying he doesn't want to live, we'd be better without him, he can't spend another day with himself, he needs to disappear, and then not talked, eaten, drank, showered, or been functional since then. I asked if he has a direct plan of suicide and he said "I just don't know how to do it". He is not ok. He's gone from his eyes. He has been sitting and blankly staring out the window or at the kids for hours and hours. Says the will be better off with him gone.

Calling my in laws and likely heading to the hospital. I cannot be solely responsible for little kids that need all my attention and give him the attention he needs. What do I need to know here? What to expect from going to the hospital? Do I reach out to his work? If so- his boss or HR somehow? He hasn't quite been at his current company a year so I'm assuming he doesn't qualify for FMLA- does this mean he could lose his job? Money is NOT my main concern here but we are MC and his makes 65% of our HHI and carries the insurance.

[Anonymous]

Op here-

I'm also supposed to leave for my first business trip since I got a promotion on Monday. Is this something I can/should be honest with my boss about?

Do I try to reach DHs individual therapist somehow?

[Anonymous]

Unless he’s imminently in danger of harming himself, an involuntary hospitalization is unlikely. And most psych hospitals (at least public ones) have little room for voluntary patients.

He’s in individual therapy, yes? Talk to his therapist. If he doesn’t have a psychiatrist, he should find one, ASAP - individual therapist should help with that. Let the professionals guide you here, not DCUM.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

9:30 again -

You can tell your boss you have a family medical emergency (true) and can no longer go on the business trip. I wouldn’t go in these circumstances, not with kids in the picture.

[Anonymous]

He will not qualify for FMLA but should qualify for short term disability if his company provides it. Usually provides for 60% of weekly salary up to a capped weekly benefit ($1k-$2k, again, depends on how the company has set it up). Keep in mind the first week or two under the STD plan is unpaid. He may be able to take sick or vacation pay for the unpaid STD time. You do not need to tell HR it is a mental health hospitalization. The insurance should continue and it will get paid back via payroll deduction when he returns to work.

[Anonymous]

Take it one minute at a time. Get him checked in and assessed. It’s Saturday. You do not need to call his employer. There’s plenty of time for that, and it should come from him. He can email his boss on Sunday simply saying he’s out sick. That’s all he should say.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

You can get FMLA but he might only be able to take his sick leave.

It also sounds like you may need to separate. Forcing the situation may have been causing his depression/anxiety.

Is he on meds at all?

[Anonymous]

OP,

My boss had a mental health breakdown. He had worked for the company for 30 years. My boss was out recovering from the breakdown for 6-8 weeks and then returned to work. His employer tried to fire him when he returned to work. Fortunately his wife is an RN and knew it was illegal to fire a worker for being out with a mental health breakdown.

I wish you the best.

Get your husband the help he needs. Take things one day at a time in regards to what to say to his employer and your employer.

[Anonymous]

BTDT

You call his therapist.

You aren’t responsible, that is hard to hear but he needs to own all.of.his.shit.

If you have guns or opioids remove them from the house.

Step back, he and his therapist need to work this out.

He needs to take sick leave for 1-2 weeks. He does NOT need to tell his boss why. He tells his therapist to work with his primary care to write a letter to work saying he is having a major medical emergency and will be off.

He need individual NOT MARITAL therapy. He needs to go 2x a week for now. If he has trauma in his past he needs to do DBT.

His affair, his suicide ideation HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

You continue your life as a strong, intelligent, caring mother and employee. I know you are carrying a huge emotional load.

Ask in laws to come and care for the kids while you are away.

Do not change your plans with his emotionally manipulative actions.

If you aren’t in individual therapy do that, put marital therapy on the back burner.

Get a cleaner, someone to cut your lawn, order in… do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. It’s going to be for a short period of time.

Work and kids are your focus.

Read about the 180 in affairs and chump lady.

[Anonymous]

Do not cancel your first trip in your new job. Jesus. It could be your only income soon.

Do NOT tell his employer!! If he is able to work he has to, work is essential for self esteem espy for men and getting fired or stigmatized over mental health issues will make him worse.

His therapist needs to step it up. Is he on medication? He should be.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the one who found out about the affair while traveling before Christmas? I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

What is WH?

[Anonymous]

Op

Yes, I'm in IC. Going to table MC for now.

Yes, I removed the gun from the house a couple weeks ago when I saw his mental health starting to decline and he made the first comment that was "every minute of everyday I'm struggling to stay alive".

[Anonymous]

If you can cancel the business trip, I would. There’s a lot you can do virtually. Just explain that your spouse is hospitalized. If they ask what happened, just say something like “he’s going to be okay but he needs to stay for several days.” Smart people will stop asking. If there’s a dumb person, repeat the line verbatim and then say “thank you for your concern.”

[Anonymous]

A big part of this seems to be lack of sleep and stress.

OP, your husband has unhealthy modes of coping. He probably needs to learn new skills. We don’t learn well under stressful situations.

If you want to make it through with your family intact, you need to take some pressure off of him in the next few months. That may not be what you want to hear, but it’s true.

He’s feeling a lot of shame and the threat of abandonment is overwhelming. That’s not your job to fix. But you could give more space and let him pace himself.