DH WFH is a huge turn off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

I’m as feminist as they come, but I agree.

Going to an “office” doesn’t sound alpha at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And people wonder why younger women are more desired…

…don’t you remember in college or early twenties when you wanted to be with your f buddy/bf 24/7 and do it multiple times during the day?

That's not about relative age, that's about relative novelty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

I’m as feminist as they come, but I agree.

Going to an “office” doesn’t sound alpha at all.

Historically, lots of married couples worked together in a small home industry or farm. And even if there was a room set aside as an "office," it was in the same house. Hunters didn't go out hunting every single day; they likely hung around the cave a fair amount. I'm not sure how something that's such a modern development can be hard-wired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I relate to much of what you said except I work in an office. Before Covid, DH would shower, put on a suit and go into his office; now that he has no commute he lazes on the couch in sweatpants and plays on his phone until sometime after I leave for work, and by the time I get home from my commute he’s already back in sweatpants, loafing on the couch. So unattractive! One day a couple weeks ago there were some bigwigs visiting DH office so he reluctantly put on his suit and went in. I told him he looked hot (he did) and when he got home later I pounced on him - something I haven’t felt inclined to do much these last couple of years. Guess who’s decided to start going into the office a couple days a week? Men are really so simple.

Kudos on using sex to manipulate your desired outcome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you still sleeping with him?

If you told him it’sa turn off and you stopped sleeping with him then that should have changed his behavior.

Would not recommend withholding sex because you do not like the new schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

I’m as feminist as they come, but I agree.

Going to an “office” doesn’t sound alpha at all.

Historically, lots of married couples worked together in a small home industry or farm. And even if there was a room set aside as an "office," it was in the same house. Hunters didn't go out hunting every single day; they likely hung around the cave a fair amount. I'm not sure how something that's such a modern development can be hard-wired.

That's true but division of labor was gendered--more equally valued than it is today, but there was definitely women's work and men's work. In this situation the OP is doing the paid and domestic labor while seeing DH at home just doing the paid labor in a very casual way. The optics are a turn off for her. Also, DH and the OP are not working together in a joint family business which is another dynamic entirely.

[Anonymous]

Ha! This is my husband and MYSELF. Except we go to the gym together mid-morning so it gets us dressed. We also have teens that I drive to school. But, we do stay up way too late watching Netlfix and binge series. We also catch a nooner many afternoons after the workout.

But, we both joke about how during the day our attire has really tanked.

I can't imagine every going back to the office. I've been working at home since 2005. My husband used to do 1-day a week, but became full-time WAH since Covid. We both really enjoy it, but I do get in a slump if I don't get fresh air/outside at least once a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

UMMM - Years of working from home while raising kids.. Intentionally as I'm the main caretaker. Please do not glorify this.

Well ok but you said your kids don't need you home anymore like they did - now you WFH because you like it, and you don't want to stop. Why does your husband have to stop working from home, when he likes it, too?


I'm not saying the two of you don't have problems. Sounds like you do. But your attitude toward him working from home struck me as so ludicrous I was sure you had to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

I have a very good job that I like and do not have an office to go to. This was the arrangement since we married and started a family. No, I do not think I should change jobs.

What an amazingly selfish thought process.

+1. OP sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people wonder why younger women are more desired…

…don’t you remember in college or early twenties when you wanted to be with your f buddy/bf 24/7 and do it multiple times during the day?

That's not about relative age, that's about relative novelty.

Novelty matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people wonder why younger women are more desired…

…don’t you remember in college or early twenties when you wanted to be with your f buddy/bf 24/7 and do it multiple times during the day?

That's not about relative age, that's about relative novelty.

Novelty and lack of adult responsibilities/stressors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people wonder why younger women are more desired…

…don’t you remember in college or early twenties when you wanted to be with your f buddy/bf 24/7 and do it multiple times during the day?

That's not about relative age, that's about relative novelty.

+1 this is the paradox of marriage. or the tradeoff of it. but yes you can endlessly chase new s** buddies instead of having a spouse, too. that is a fine way to live, if it's the tradeoff you prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

So I am the DW breadwinner (with an in office job, commute, and travel) and my husband was remote prepandemic. I cannot begin to describe how much more relief mentally and physically I have felt in the last 2.5 years being able to work at home. I get that you say all this attraction is hard wired, but if my spouse said half the things OP has said here and most specifically pushed me to lose precious time on the road, that would not just be fighting words, in my view that would be war.

Yes but this is something you both opted into on your own terms, not something you slid into b/c of the pandemic. I also maintain that my larger point (which I should have framed in a more conciliatory manner) is true for the vast majority of women. Which I think makes you an outlier but hardly rare or unusual--I'm glad you and your spouse have a great logistical set up that works for you. But this board is over represented with ambitious women who don't see sex differences as particularly significant or relevant to their every day lives so their advice to just 'get over it' is not particularly helpful for the OP's situation.

If you've come out of the other side of the pandemic in a relative 'winning' position that's better than pre-pandemic, surely you can imagine that others will feel that they're looking around at the "new normal" and feeling like they are relatively worse off than they were before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

Get a new job. Stop whining already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And people wonder why younger women are more desired…

…don’t you remember in college or early twenties when you wanted to be with your f buddy/bf 24/7 and do it multiple times during the day?

That's about novelty, not youth