Why won’t MIL visit without DH?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

You’re a disaster. You don’t get to say “I don’t care” about your kids grandmother and then expect her to feel welcome. You can win, you just don’t want to.

Again, I’m just trying to understand her motive in complaining to my husband. That was the whole point of this post.

Her motive is she is telling your husband that she is upset his wife makes her feel unwelcome. Wake up, OP. This is not as complicated as you’re making it out to be.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

You’re a disaster. You don’t get to say “I don’t care” about your kids grandmother and then expect her to feel welcome. You can win, you just don’t want to.

Again, I’m just trying to understand her motive in complaining to my husband. That was the whole point of this post.

She’s a complainer. Let it go. You don’t care about solving this so move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

+1. And I was Team OP up until her last few posts. It's pretty clear why the MIL doesn't want to visit. She'd like to see the kids more, but OP's disdain/coldness/hostility turns her off.

It’s hard being the only parent during the week and then having to also worry about the emotions of other grown adults. Who is worrying about OPs emotions though? Clearly not this MIL. She could be offering help, instead she’s complaining.

I’m not team OP, but even if I were, the MIL is not complaining to OP and OP does not need to worry about MaiL’s feelings (not that she is). OP has said many times she doesn’t need any help, so why would MIL offer to help her? Obviously her husband needs to stop telling OP everything his mom says to him. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever go and visit your MIL when DH takes the kids?

It sounds, like you view her as a cheap baby-sitting service. Nothing in your post says I'd be happy to see her for herself and in all likelihood she senses that.

Wait so DH is babysitting, not fathering when takes the kids to see his mother? Yikes. And, with DH away that much, if my MIL lived close by, I’d definitely want her babysitting so I could get a break.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

You’re a disaster. You don’t get to say “I don’t care” about your kids grandmother and then expect her to feel welcome. You can win, you just don’t want to.

Again, I’m just trying to understand her motive in complaining to my husband. That was the whole point of this post.

I'm kind of wondering what weird entertainment the DH gets from pitting one complaining woman (his mother) against another complaining woman (his wife).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

You’re a disaster. You don’t get to say “I don’t care” about your kids grandmother and then expect her to feel welcome. You can win, you just don’t want to.

Again, I’m just trying to understand her motive in complaining to my husband. That was the whole point of this post.

I'm kind of wondering what weird entertainment the DH gets from pitting one complaining woman (his mother) against another complaining woman (his wife).

I’m guessing he’s complaining about each woman to the other, and using the complaints as a way to foster animosity between the two so that each is more amenable to his complaints. Also, he can be a hero by being empathetic to mom about how difficult OP is and being empathetic to OP about how difficult his mom is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

You’re a disaster. You don’t get to say “I don’t care” about your kids grandmother and then expect her to feel welcome. You can win, you just don’t want to.

Again, I’m just trying to understand her motive in complaining to my husband. That was the whole point of this post.

I'm kind of wondering what weird entertainment the DH gets from pitting one complaining woman (his mother) against another complaining woman (his wife).

I’m guessing he’s complaining about each woman to the other, and using the complaints as a way to foster animosity between the two so that each is more amenable to his complaints. Also, he can be a hero by being empathetic to mom about how difficult OP is and being empathetic to OP about how difficult his mom is.

I think you hit the nail right on the head.