Why won’t MIL visit without DH?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s hard for some PP to find this relatable if they don’t have a spouse who is away during the week. Pre-COVID this was my husband, and it’s HARD! In a perfect world the MIL should be trying to make your life easier, not the other way around. My MIL used to surprise me by picking my kids from school occasionally, bringing us dinner, and encouraging me to go out alone. Bliss! To have to accommodate a whiny MIL and also feed her (Let’s get food from the new Italian place? Really? No!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she supposed to take the kids to dinner without you? That seems personal.

Why don’t you invite her to your home to have dinner? Or invite her to watch a sports practice or have a movie night with the kids?

Good suggestions. I think it gets to the fact that OP wants a babysitter or nanny, not to really have the MIL over as a guest.

This is the issue. OP says she’s not close to MIL, but how can they become close if they don’t spend time together? I think OP needs to invest in the relationship and then she can leverage it for a break or babysitting. My parents do the babysitting part sometimes- like taking the kids out on a weeknight so I have an hour to myself. However, I try to make sure that those activities are 1/3 or less of the time we spend with them.

OP mentioned that in the past that if she suggests a specific time or activity that MIL treats it like a summons and cancels plans or arrives rushed and flustered. That may be because she perceives it as a rare opportunity to be grasped. I think that may ebb over time if OP makes regular invites and MIL begins to trust that future invites will come. My parents hesitate to initiate plans because we are often busy on weeknights with activities. This puts the burden of reaching out on me. One way we solved it is to pick a day each sports season and agree to have dinner that night - like Tuesdays or every other Tuesday. Sometimes I cook or get takeout. Sometimes my mom makes something and pops it in the oven at my house. Sometimes my mom feeds the kids pizza so I can go to a work event or grab a glass of wine with a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

I sort of agree.

I wonder if single mothers are worrying about coordinating supplying dinners to their exMIL if/when they complain about missing their grandchildren when they’re not with their fathers. It’s still a family member, after all! I’d love to hear the reasons why they do, or don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

+1. And I was Team OP up until her last few posts. It's pretty clear why the MIL doesn't want to visit. She'd like to see the kids more, but OP's disdain/coldness/hostility turns her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

+1. And I was Team OP up until her last few posts. It's pretty clear why the MIL doesn't want to visit. She'd like to see the kids more, but OP's disdain/coldness/hostility turns her off.

It’s hard being the only parent during the week and then having to also worry about the emotions of other grown adults. Who is worrying about OPs emotions though? Clearly not this MIL. She could be offering help, instead she’s complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

You’re a disaster. You don’t get to say “I don’t care” about your kids grandmother and then expect her to feel welcome. You can win, you just don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.

Well, I think we’ve figured out why she doesn’t visit when your DH isn’t there.

And I won’t apologize for it. It’s hard enough juggling everything when he’s not home. I’m not introducing more stress and responsibility into my life. I guess it is what it is. I’ll ask my husband not to tell me when his mother is complaining.

You're a piece of work, OP. Wow.

NP

I’m not a jerk. But it’s been a stressful few weeks and I’m annoyed. I don’t need this added stress! I don’t know what else to say. Our relationship is what it is. We’ve tried to be “friends”; it’s just not going to happen!

DP. Why are you stressing yourself out about it then? You’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to be closer to her and only want her to come if she’s going to take the kids out. You’re getting exactly what you want - limited interaction with your MIL. So I’m not seeing how getting exactly what you want is stressful.

I guess I just don’t understand why she’s complaining to DH. What can he do about it three time zones away? It seems passive-aggressive when I’m right here. I’d never tell her, no, you can’t visit, if she called and asked. So why not ask me? It seems fruitless to bother my husband about it, but also passive-aggressive to not take me up on my many offers to come visit. (I’m not asking her EVER to come and TAKE the children, just asking her, openly, to come visit.)

Why not be the bigger person and call her on Wednesday and say “hey MIL, want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?” I have a feeling you won’t, because you don’t want her to come. She knows you don’t want her there. She wants to see her grandkids, but knows you are being fake when you say she can come any time. You really should try to take some ownership of your half of this relationship.

I feel like we are going in circles.

I neither want nor don’t want her to come. I don’t care. If she wants to come and it would stop her complaining, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want her coming here and acting out put out by my timing, as she’s done in the past. It’s like I can’t win!

You’re a disaster. You don’t get to say “I don’t care” about your kids grandmother and then expect her to feel welcome. You can win, you just don’t want to.

Again, I’m just trying to understand her motive in complaining to my husband. That was the whole point of this post.