Why won’t MIL visit without DH?

[Anonymous]

I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

[Anonymous]

She probably feels awkward for some reason.

If she complaining to him, as your OP says? Just tell him not to tell you about it. Let him handle the complaints. There's nothing you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she’s waiting for you to extend the invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably feels awkward for some reason.

If she complaining to him, as your OP says? Just tell him not to tell you about it. Let him handle the complaints. There's nothing you can do about it.

One more thing, what happens/what does she say when you ask her to come for a visit?

Just want to make sure that you are asking, because if you are waiting for her to ask you, then she might feel like you don't really want to do it if you haven't asked yourself.

[Anonymous]

How far away does she live? Could you take the kids and drop them off for a few hours while you: get your nails done, go out with a friend, run errands, go to the gym?
Or can you specifically invite her when it works best for you? If you invite her and she turns you down 3 times then you can stop. I say give it three tries just because she does sound active and might be busy when you suggest.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go. She isn’t interested. She wants to get one stop shopping where she sees both her kid and grandkids at the same time. Don’t worry about it. And don’t rely on her for help. It is what it is.

My guess is that it is less about you and more that she doesn’t want to babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably feels awkward for some reason.

If she complaining to him, as your OP says? Just tell him not to tell you about it. Let him handle the complaints. There's nothing you can do about it.

One more thing, what happens/what does she say when you ask her to come for a visit?

Just want to make sure that you are asking, because if you are waiting for her to ask you, then she might feel like you don't really want to do it if you haven't asked yourself.

It’s an open invite that is extended every time we visit or talk! I’ve told her many times to call, or even text, if she would like to see the kids one evening after school. She’s never asked once. I’m not going to beg or pressure her. I don’t understand why she can’t text and ask if she’s missing them.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever go and visit your MIL when DH takes the kids?

It sounds, like you view her as a cheap baby-sitting service. Nothing in your post says I'd be happy to see her for herself and in all likelihood she senses that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. She isn’t interested. She wants to get one stop shopping where she sees both her kid and grandkids at the same time. Don’t worry about it. And don’t rely on her for help. It is what it is.

My guess is that it is less about you and more that she doesn’t want to babysit.

And let me add, it sounds like you avoid visiting her as well. So there is a little pot meet kettle going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away does she live? Could you take the kids and drop them off for a few hours while you: get your nails done, go out with a friend, run errands, go to the gym?
Or can you specifically invite her when it works best for you? If you invite her and she turns you down 3 times then you can stop. I say give it three tries just because she does sound active and might be busy when you suggest.

I’d say she’s a half hour before 4, and an hour or more between 4-6. She could be here by the time they get off the bus around 4 and completely miss traffic. If I drive them, I’m stuck in it. If that makes sense!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

[Anonymous]

Leave it be. My mother-in-law does the same thing. I think she wants to see the kids in theory but also has her own stuff going on and so she’d rather put not seeing them on us than take any responsibility for making it happen.

Keep extending the invitation but don’t fret about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. She isn’t interested. She wants to get one stop shopping where she sees both her kid and grandkids at the same time. Don’t worry about it. And don’t rely on her for help. It is what it is.

My guess is that it is less about you and more that she doesn’t want to babysit.

And let me add, it sounds like you avoid visiting her as well. So there is a little pot meet kettle going on here.

I do visit, I’d say quarterly we do a big dinner together as a family.

But I’m not complaining about not seeing her, and she’s not complaining about not seeing me! She’s complaining about not seeing our kids when DH can’t arrange them visiting. Yet she refuses to use me as a point of contact, even though she knows I’d love to get them together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away does she live? Could you take the kids and drop them off for a few hours while you: get your nails done, go out with a friend, run errands, go to the gym?
Or can you specifically invite her when it works best for you? If you invite her and she turns you down 3 times then you can stop. I say give it three tries just because she does sound active and might be busy when you suggest.

I’d say she’s a half hour before 4, and an hour or more between 4-6. She could be here by the time they get off the bus around 4 and completely miss traffic. If I drive them, I’m stuck in it. If that makes sense!

You need to build a separate relationship with her outside of your husband. You take the kids out there for a few visits, then invite her over when husband is not there. She probably is not comfortable or may have the impression you really don't want her to. An hour at night may be a lot for her vs. 10-15 minutes going out to dinner with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. She isn’t interested. She wants to get one stop shopping where she sees both her kid and grandkids at the same time. Don’t worry about it. And don’t rely on her for help. It is what it is.

My guess is that it is less about you and more that she doesn’t want to babysit.

And let me add, it sounds like you avoid visiting her as well. So there is a little pot meet kettle going on here.

I do visit, I’d say quarterly we do a big dinner together as a family.

But I’m not complaining about not seeing her, and she’s not complaining about not seeing me! She’s complaining about not seeing our kids when DH can’t arrange them visiting. Yet she refuses to use me as a point of contact, even though she knows I’d love to get them together.

You should be thrilled that she doesn’t expect you to take on the emotional labor of managing the relationship with her. Just ignore her complaints and let your hsuband handle this. She isn’t going to be your babysitter.