Why won’t MIL visit without DH?

[Anonymous]

Also, (3) you don't actually invite her; she has to invite herself. "Open invitations" aren't real invitations, especially since you're not close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

Really doesn’t matter. There is no use trying to figure out the inner workings of her mind. Let it go and if she ever does genuinely want to make a plan she can do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably feels awkward for some reason.

If she complaining to him, as your OP says? Just tell him not to tell you about it. Let him handle the complaints. There's nothing you can do about it.

One more thing, what happens/what does she say when you ask her to come for a visit?

Just want to make sure that you are asking, because if you are waiting for her to ask you, then she might feel like you don't really want to do it if you haven't asked yourself.

It’s an open invite that is extended every time we visit or talk! I’ve told her many times to call, or even text, if she would like to see the kids one evening after school. She’s never asked once. I’m not going to beg or pressure her. I don’t understand why she can’t text and ask if she’s missing them.

Open invites don't feel real, especially if only extended when your husband is there. Ask her to come at a specific time. She doesn't know if you really want her to come, or whether it's really a good time or not; she knows your busy and you have your hands full. She's trying to be polite.

How long have you been on DCUM? Have you seen the many complaint about inlaws who invite themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

It's about babysitting to the extent that she might feel nervous about taking care of the kids by herself.

Also, you don't invite her, not really. You tell her to invite herself, and a lot of people aren't comfortable with that.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

When you ask her to visit you, how do you actually word it? "I wouldn't mind you coming around and taking the kids to dinner." or is it closer to "Please do come around, we can have dinner together"?

If the former, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to deal with you. Because that's what she'd have to do before she can see the kids. And it has nothing to do with being able to afford a babysitter, it's the way you view her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, (3) you don't actually invite her; she has to invite herself. "Open invitations" aren't real invitations, especially since you're not close.

I guess this is true.

I don’t want to appear pushy. I tread lightly whenever DH isn’t home. I feel like in the past she has felt obligated and maybe even changed plans instead of saying no and then arrived frazzled, so here we are.

I guess I haven’t figured out the best way to articulate to her, “Hey, Brad says you’d like to visit the kids! Would you like to visit … (what should I say here? Should I give a specific day? Say “this week”?) … but Mary, no pressure! Let me know if another time works better!”

[Anonymous]

"You know Ted has a busy schedule, but that you're always welcome to visit any time you like. Just give me a call and let me know when."

That's all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, (3) you don't actually invite her; she has to invite herself. "Open invitations" aren't real invitations, especially since you're not close.

I guess this is true.

I don’t want to appear pushy. I tread lightly whenever DH isn’t home. I feel like in the past she has felt obligated and maybe even changed plans instead of saying no and then arrived frazzled, so here we are.

I guess I haven’t figured out the best way to articulate to her, “Hey, Brad says you’d like to visit the kids! Would you like to visit … (what should I say here? Should I give a specific day? Say “this week”?) … but Mary, no pressure! Let me know if another time works better!”

She doesn’t want to do this. LET IT GO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. She isn’t interested. She wants to get one stop shopping where she sees both her kid and grandkids at the same time. Don’t worry about it. And don’t rely on her for help. It is what it is.

My guess is that it is less about you and more that she doesn’t want to babysit.

And let me add, it sounds like you avoid visiting her as well. So there is a little pot meet kettle going on here.

The difference is, Grandma wants something from OP (grandkid access), but OP doesn't want anything from her. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

When you ask her to visit you, how do you actually word it? "I wouldn't mind you coming around and taking the kids to dinner." or is it closer to "Please do come around, we can have dinner together"?

If the former, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to deal with you. Because that's what she'd have to do before she can see the kids. And it has nothing to do with being able to afford a babysitter, it's the way you view her.
I’ll admit we aren’t close, probably because of my husband’s career and just the way we have never gotten close. In the past I would ask, “Would you like to come visit this week? Let me know times that work for you!” And then inevitably nothing works collectively.

We don’t have a relationship. We’ve tried in the past when I was pregnant, but with DH not there as the common ground, we have absolutely nothing in common, and the kids aren’t enough. Imagine forcing a friendship with the coworker you have the most awkward relationship with. That’s what it felt like. We tried, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let it go. She isn’t interested. She wants to get one stop shopping where she sees both her kid and grandkids at the same time. Don’t worry about it. And don’t rely on her for help. It is what it is.

My guess is that it is less about you and more that she doesn’t want to babysit.

And let me add, it sounds like you avoid visiting her as well. So there is a little pot meet kettle going on here.

The difference is, Grandma wants something from OP (grandkid access), but OP doesn't want anything from her. See how that works?

Exactly. She’s not offering to bring dinner or visit OP. Why should OP make all the effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

When you ask her to visit you, how do you actually word it? "I wouldn't mind you coming around and taking the kids to dinner." or is it closer to "Please do come around, we can have dinner together"?

If the former, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to deal with you. Because that's what she'd have to do before she can see the kids. And it has nothing to do with being able to afford a babysitter, it's the way you view her.

No clue what happened above. Let’s try this again:

I’ll admit we aren’t close, probably because of my husband’s career and just the way we have never gotten close. In the past I would ask, “Would you like to come visit this week? Let me know times that work for you!” And then inevitably nothing works collectively.

We don’t have a relationship. We’ve tried in the past when I was pregnant, but with DH not there as the common ground, we have absolutely nothing in common, and the kids aren’t enough. Imagine forcing a friendship with the coworker you have the most awkward relationship with. That’s what it felt like. We tried, though!

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t want to babysit. And maybe she wants to see her son more than grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

When you ask her to visit you, how do you actually word it? "I wouldn't mind you coming around and taking the kids to dinner." or is it closer to "Please do come around, we can have dinner together"?

If the former, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to deal with you. Because that's what she'd have to do before she can see the kids. And it has nothing to do with being able to afford a babysitter, it's the way you view her.

No clue what happened above. Let’s try this again:

I’ll admit we aren’t close, probably because of my husband’s career and just the way we have never gotten close. In the past I would ask, “Would you like to come visit this week? Let me know times that work for you!” And then inevitably nothing works collectively.

We don’t have a relationship. We’ve tried in the past when I was pregnant, but with DH not there as the common ground, we have absolutely nothing in common, and the kids aren’t enough. Imagine forcing a friendship with the coworker you have the most awkward relationship with. That’s what it felt like. We tried, though!


All in law relationships are like this. You’re not unique. Most of us don’t want a new mom or dad. We all just grin and bear it.