Why won’t MIL visit without DH?

[Anonymous]

Why is she supposed to take the kids to dinner without you? That seems personal.

Why don’t you invite her to your home to have dinner? Or invite her to watch a sports practice or have a movie night with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

NP. My dad and my FIL are great grandfathers who give a lot of time, energy, attention and care to their grandparents, both when DH and/or I are around, and when we’re not. Same with my uncle, who lives nearby and is in his early 70s. Stop categorizing lazy, detached, self-focused behavior as “male” and own up to the fact that you are increasingly low-energy, self-interested, and unwilling to help. Which is fine, but own it, don’t try to act like it’s some men vs. women thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is she supposed to take the kids to dinner without you? That seems personal.

Why don’t you invite her to your home to have dinner? Or invite her to watch a sports practice or have a movie night with the kids?

Good suggestions. I think it gets to the fact that OP wants a babysitter or nanny, not to really have the MIL over as a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

NP. My dad and my FIL are great grandfathers who give a lot of time, energy, attention and care to their grandparents, both when DH and/or I are around, and when we’re not. Same with my uncle, who lives nearby and is in his early 70s. Stop categorizing lazy, detached, self-focused behavior as “male” and own up to the fact that you are increasingly low-energy, self-interested, and unwilling to help. Which is fine, but own it, don’t try to act like it’s some men vs. women thing.

Glad you’ve had that experience. Check out the new thread in family relationships, I have been sick for 24 hours. OP’s husband wants to put the family dog in the kennel for the weekend because OP is sick. All of DCUM is rife with tales of men’s detached, weaponized incompetence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

NP. My dad and my FIL are great grandfathers who give a lot of time, energy, attention and care to their grandparents, both when DH and/or I are around, and when we’re not. Same with my uncle, who lives nearby and is in his early 70s. Stop categorizing lazy, detached, self-focused behavior as “male” and own up to the fact that you are increasingly low-energy, self-interested, and unwilling to help. Which is fine, but own it, don’t try to act like it’s some men vs. women thing.

Congratulations. You're part of an extended family of male unicorns.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you get along with her okay, you aren’t close but it’s not like you can’t stand her. So text her some specific times and invite her to dinner at your house! How old are the kids? I don’t particularly enjoy taking my own kids out to eat, restaurants can be a huge pain.

Say ‘Hi Sally, it’s been a while since the kids have seen you! Would you like to come over for dinner next week? Susie has ballet on Tuesday and Timmy has Basketball on Thursday, but Monday or Wednesday would be great. We can order from the new Italian place that has been getting good reviews!” If you try this 3 times over 3 separate weeks and she never takes you up on it, then give up and go back to open ended invitations.

Or just tell your husband to stop telling you about his mom’s complaints! If he can’t make her reach out to you, and you’re unwilling to reach out to her, he needs to just listen to her complain and not relay it all back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you get along with her okay, you aren’t close but it’s not like you can’t stand her. So text her some specific times and invite her to dinner at your house! How old are the kids? I don’t particularly enjoy taking my own kids out to eat, restaurants can be a huge pain.

Say ‘Hi Sally, it’s been a while since the kids have seen you! Would you like to come over for dinner next week? Susie has ballet on Tuesday and Timmy has Basketball on Thursday, but Monday or Wednesday would be great. We can order from the new Italian place that has been getting good reviews!” If you try this 3 times over 3 separate weeks and she never takes you up on it, then give up and go back to open ended invitations.

Or just tell your husband to stop telling you about his mom’s complaints! If he can’t make her reach out to you, and you’re unwilling to reach out to her, he needs to just listen to her complain and not relay it all back and forth.

This seems reasonable. Have a specific plan, sounds like it's easier for her to get to you with traffic logistics. I'd even toss in something like "the kids and I have a gingerbread house (or similar project) we'd all love your assistance with.

And if a couple of actual invitations aren't accepted, you will know she's just putting on some weird act.

[Anonymous]

You do not accompany your husband children when they visit her so she probably thinks that you do not want to see her. You should go with them sometime and personally in invite her to come to your house.

[Anonymous]

I would invite her to a kid's event - like Timmy's soccer game on Saturday morning or Susie's dance recital or if they are having a holiday chorus at the elementary school. Kids generally love when grandparents go to watch them perform. And it's a good ice breaker for you and your MIL - easy to talk about the event or just be quiet and watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

You're missing the point. She doesn't feel comfortable asking you because you aren't close. If you care about it, you should invite her. If you don't care about it, then this thread is useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

[Anonymous]

I’d issue invitations one after another for a while. Make it glaringly obvious that SHE is the church g in the wheel for getting to see that kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

I’m not the one complaining about not seeing the GRANDKIDS when my husband is away. I don’t care if she sees them. If I need a break, I have a sitter. I like my MIL just fine, but I don’t particularly want the added work of hosting her during the work week when my husband is away, particularly because it’s always an awkward interaction. It’s nice if she just comes and takes them out if she wants to see them. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she doesn’t see them. But then she should stop complaining.