More of a vent because the die is cast
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Anonymous
I meant sit by more figuratively. DH and I talk about all these kinds of dilemmas and decisions. We did it with my parents, though there never was a big outlay of cash in the end, and we are now doing it with his. I am not at all worried about his making promises we haven't agreed on - if the conversation went in a different direction and he felt he was facing pressure, he would probably tell them that these were new factors and he needed time to think about it. I don't think he has necessarily fully briefed his sibling on the situation. That could be tense when the sibling realizes there will be minimal to no inheritance. When one sibling has a greater net wealth than another, does the one with significantly less money still make some sort of contribution? Sibling's spouse will inherit something as an only child but not as much as I think sibling was expecting here. |
Anonymous
No. They are in their early to mid 80s. MIL kept her small business going until a couple of years ago, but it was no longer sustainable after her partner retired. She cannot stand on her feet for long due to foot, ankle, knee, and hip issues. |
Anonymous
| Boomers are literally the most selfish generation ever. |
Anonymous
They’re in their 80s. They’re Silent Generation, not Boomers. The fact that they’re Silent Generation and were raised by people who lived through the Great Depression makes this seem even worse. My grandparents were raised during the Depression and they taught my parents and even me not to squander resources. People who grow up with next to nothing know how to make things last. |
Anonymous
This and: they should be able to find a 1-bedroom in a senior community that they can afford. They could consider renting their house out to pay for that while hopefully having some leftover. They could then wait to sell that to pay for any needed senior care facilities. My friend’s mother was in a very pleasant senior apartment — recently renovated — that was about $1100 a month. They had access to home health care aides (extra $) and managed to stretch that out for a few years. DO NOT sacrifice your own savings unless you really have a lot. |
Anonymous
Interesting. My ILs were a decade younger than my parents and they really seemed to be born in two very different generations. There is nothing about my ILs that indicates Silent Generation. They have, understandably, no recollection of the Depression, WWII, FDR while all of those and more were very seminal influences on my parents. |
Anonymous
MIL was probably trying to keep up with the Joneses. Very DCUM. |
Anonymous
OMG the bean counting here. |
Anonymous
hmm, how is this bean counting? are you kicking off $8-16K/month over 5-10 years for care? |
Anonymous
FL, while appealing, is out of the question as that would be far from us and DH's sibling and family. As they downsized some years ago into a fairly new place and cut their property taxes considerably, DH thinks they can remain where they are for now. It is familiar for his dad, who is having memory and mobility issues, and the fairly open floor plan allows his mom to keep an eye on him while cooking, etc. We will be with ILs and DH's sibling and family for Thanksgiving. Hoping that there will be some discussions about the possible steps when they are no longer able to live at home. |
Anonymous
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Yet more selfish boomers who expect someone to cover their poor choices.
In your position, I’d seriously think about ending the marriage. You don’t “have” to do anything, and you need to know this. For me, I’d hate being cast as the mean b*** which is what will happen because your in-laws will never blame their son. It will be you as tagged with “eating out to much” “spending too much on the kids’ clothes” or it will be phrased as “if only she’d learn to sew (which also costs money) or “if she just cooked more” (again which also costs money. Hint, both cooking and sewing take time which many people don’t have due to work schedules which are different from anything boomers experienced. At some point, an appliance at your house will break and you and your husband will have one heck of a fight because (probably you) will want a more expensive model only to have him say “but my parents” or you’ll want a vacation or to go see a broadway show, or you’ll want a dog or another baby or something expensive, only to have your husband say “but we can’t afford it” or your in-laws say “now why would you want that” only to have them start telling you about how your husband’s brother was an “oops baby” or how silly the dog was on school mornings when your husband was little or how much fun they had when they saw Cats and how it’s just too bad you guys haven’t done anything like that. Your life and money, the money you’ve worked hard for both to acquire and to hang onto won’t really be yours anymore. For me, I didn’t get to adulthood so I could think of my in-laws (or my own parents) before I spend money. If this doesn’t matter to you, know that soon enough you won’t feel like this is your marriage. You already don’t, otherwise you’d have phrased this vent differently. Your husband knows this, your in-laws know it, and I suspect your siblings-in-law deliberately structured their lives so they wouldn’t have to pay for mom and dad. Oh, and next time you see a sibling-in-law post about a fun beach vacation, you will be furious, trust me on this.. then you will be portrayed as being petty and mean. It’s an awful way to live. Your in-laws had the freedom to live how they chose. They had a happy marriage, yet don’t wish that for their son. In time, you and your husband will begin to fight with each other or lash out at your kids or something unpleasant.. and for what exactly? So Momma can live a lifestyle to which she can easily become accustomed? What do you get exactly from this arrangement? The state and federal government will support them. Nobody is going to leave them to die unless they simply sit home and not go to a hospital or seek medical care.. which is of course is their right. It’s your right too when you have a medical event. This isn’t Nat Geo special where they will be attacked and then left to die like a couple of old tigers. There’s no old people police knocking on doors to check on old people then tag their kids for money. Know too that the more disconnected people are from money, the more they expect, or the more unrealistic their expectations become. My husband ran over our kid’s bike a couple years ago. The wheel rim was bent and we figured it’d be an easy fix. We’d bought the bike at Walmart and apparently WalMart’s bikes are so specific that you can’t just hammer the rim into shape and then pop a wheel on it. Well, you could, but it would have cost twice as much as it would to just order a new bike. No, the bike shop wasn’t trying to cheat us. Yes, we’d actually bought a bike from a bike shop which caused us so many problems we returned it and got a full refund. The Walmart bike worked fine until it got run over and the replacement bike has worked fine. And no, the kid wasn’t on the bike. I viewed it as an interesting business and physics lesson, one we actually turned in as an extra credit homework assignment for school. I would have lost my mind had I been dealing with Grandma telling me “you all should have been more careful” “the kid doesn’t need a bike “ “make her work to get a new one” “the bike shop is trying to cheat you.. your papa could fix this” only to have papa sit in his chair and refuse to lift a finger. I haven’t even touched on the differences in spending, “do you *really need Starbucks?” “yup, I sure do” “Do you really need a gym membership” “yes, I do”. Old people seem to truly forget all the things they spent money on back in the day. My dad got cable service back in the 1970’s and it was expensive then, though it doesn’t seem that way now. He also was into motorcycles and flying.. he and I bond over aviation and he quit flying when I was a baby. Point being, he was into some expensive s*** back in the day, I don’t begrudge him any of that, yet you should hear him go on about how much coffee costs at Starbucks. It would actually be entertaining if he wasn’t so nasty about it. He’s also not really a coffee drinker which again is fine, yet he doesn’t understand that yes, sometimes a nice drink from Starbucks can really make your day. I’ve seen other older people do much the same thing, they simply can’t link their comforts and fun to costing money the same way that their kids’ comfort and fun also cost money. Many also don’t seem to understand that what worked in 1970 doesn’t work now. Kids need to be in car seats today, you can’t just tell everybody to climb in back. Kids may truly need electronics at an earlier age. Many middle school physics problems can only be solved by “getting a new one” (see my example re the bike and we also had a washing machine that slipped a ball bearing. We meant to fix it only to be told and to discover on our own that it would be cheaper and faster to just buy another one. Remember my comment on working and time? I don’t have time to go to a laundromat, not when I can have a washer to my house in a couple days. I’m sorry, op. You have more power and ownership then you realize. Sadly, your marriage may no longer be viable. I know mine wouldn’t be and I like my in-laws as well as my parents. I just wouldn’t take on supporting them financially. I’d advocate for them, I’d treat them well, I’d do my best to learn why they think and feel as they do (see my example re Starbucks) but I wouldn’t live in a manner where I had to think of them with every move I made. Life makes you sacrifice a fair bit, you don’t want to take on the problems of other people at your own expense, financial, emotional, and physical For those who will read this and think I’m a heartless b**, again, op, I told you this would happen. Anybody who does is free to spend their money any way they’d like. What they aren’t free to do is tell someone else what is “right” “kind” best” or other value laden words. I seriously think Jeff should take email addresses so that those who want to give can do so. I’m serious about this. This way anybody who wants to can give any op who says a family member or friend needs money will have a means to put their cash where their mouth is. |
Anonymous
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17:11, while your boomer comments may be on point, what in any of OP's comments indicate that the "marriage may no longer be viable?" Also, most comments aren't shaming OP to pay up, but consider the range of options.
That was quite a spiel. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Had a good Thanksgiving with ILs. DH, sibling, and MIL spent time talking about the situation. For now, the current set up seems tenable. The LTC insurance covers 40 hours/week of help with FIL, allowing MIL to get out, handle errands, and get a respite from caregiveing. The insurance was purchased a long time ago and appears to be quite generous. The challenge will probably be if FIL needs round the clock care that cannot be handled in their home. The LTC insurance will help, but DH doesn't think it will cover all expenses.
He thinks that sibling still thinks there will be money to inherit here. He feels bad that is probably not going to be the case, but doesn't think there is any reason to say so at this time. Both children have access to the financials, but DH probably more savvy here on the various burn rate scenarios. He does fret, however, that sibling may become difficult once the details are known. TBH, I'm still dismayed at how much money was spent on more lavish trips than what the long term budget probably permitted based on possible longevity as well as care expenses for seniors and elders at this time. DH is too, but he tends to be an optimist so can't see him dwelling on it and I will follow his lead. |