More of a vent because the die is cast

[Anonymous]

DH basically broke it to me that his parents are running out of money. They lived an UMC lifestyle during a time when that money went a lot further than it does today. DH was a in a medium size law firm and MIL ran a couple of very small, modestly successful businesses (money she used to finance interior decor, house upgrades, apparel, etc) for about 25 years. They inherited a couple million from FIL's parents about 20 years ago. And DH says they are running out. They probably have enough for another year or so. Basically they are fine as long as they are able to remain in their home - paid off - but will get tricky if they need to move into a retirement community, especially as FIL may require a different level of care. Sale of the house for one of these places would cover expenses for less than two years. Their health is fairly good for early to mid 80s.

My ILs took some pretty high-flying, expensive vacations over the last ten years or so in addition to renting a home during the winter for longer and longer periods over the last twenty years. My MIL has on more than one occasion mentioned "money - you can't take it with you." I didn't really it get it then, but now I think I do.

So yes, we will end up having to be the ones covering their expenses as DH's sibling and spouse do not make much money.

I've had a fairly good relationship with my ILs. My MIL has been trying - ask DH! - yet we've managed to make it work. But I'm in shock from this news. I grew up in pretty humble circumstances. My parents lived within their means and raised us the same. My ILs have definitely lived a far, far more comfortable life than my parents did and I assumed that they were able to afford these trips and other expenses.

Well, I'm just here to vent as the only way this situation could've been different is if they had followed a budget in line with their possible expenses over their lives.

Love if anyone here has BTDT and has insights to share.

[Anonymous]

They may have trouble accepting when they need to downgrade - whether that's a one bedroom in a senior community or a bedroom/bathroom in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may have trouble accepting when they need to downgrade - whether that's a one bedroom in a senior community or a bedroom/bathroom in your house.

DH would probably host his dad, but there is no way he will live with his mother under one roof. He is a good son and he is able to be that way because he knows how to manage the relationship.

I do think the 1 BR in a senior community may be a point of conflict. I can't see my MIL going for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may have trouble accepting when they need to downgrade - whether that's a one bedroom in a senior community or a bedroom/bathroom in your house.

DH would probably host his dad, but there is no way he will live with his mother under one roof. He is a good son and he is able to be that way because he knows how to manage the relationship.

I do think the 1 BR in a senior community may be a point of conflict. I can't see my MIL going for that.

What choice does she have? A couple mil 20 years ago could have compounded to ofer $7M today if it was untouched and got about 7% interest.

[Anonymous]

They will be forced to spend down their assets and then live wherever the government will pay for. That is the deal. Unless you choose to fund some fancier life for them — which you have zero obligation to do.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in exactly your shoes except for the $2mm inheritance. I’m at a complete loss. If I’m being honest I’m pretty judgmental of how they lived, having been raised to think austerity is a virtue. A further complication for me is that my DH is south Asian, so there’s a strong cultural pressure to pay for them in old age. And I’m actually okay with that, to a point, but the bigger issue is the yawning cultural gap between our definitions of reasonable living standards. Right now my in-laws have a house that’s more than TWICE the size of the house I live in with my family of 5.

It’s going to be incredibly hard for both of us to meet their needs without pulling our hair out about what “need” means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may have trouble accepting when they need to downgrade - whether that's a one bedroom in a senior community or a bedroom/bathroom in your house.

DH would probably host his dad, but there is no way he will live with his mother under one roof. He is a good son and he is able to be that way because he knows how to manage the relationship.

I do think the 1 BR in a senior community may be a point of conflict. I can't see my MIL going for that.

She will have to bend. It will be a rough blow to her ego. But she will have to accept reality - she didn't save for old age and now old age is arriving and "you get what you get and you don't get upset."

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP - that sucks. I may be in a similar boat one day. My DH believes that being a “good son” means financially supporting a parent. Whereas I was raised to believe that being a “good parent” means not financially burdening your adult children. Not saying one way is better than the other, but it’s tough when you’re not aligned.

I’m not trying to come off as miserly or lacking compassion… it just sucks when I’ve lived a life of discipline and sacrifice for long term goals and my in laws have no problems taking… they don’t appreciate the sacrifice because they never made similar sacrifices. In fact, DH’s grandfather left him money for college and my in laws spent it when DH was in junior high/high school!!! So they could keep up their UMC lifestyle.)

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

This is so common, too, it seems these days.

Two close friends are going through similar with their parents. One friend's parents got behind on their HOA dues, stuck their heads in the sand during the pandemic, and are now facing foreclosure. Her parents told her they didn't think the HOA could really take their house over "a few small fees" because they paid off the mortgage more than 20 years ago. WRONG. It's been a big stressor in her marriage because she's the only financially successful sibling and feels she needs to bail them out and her husband doesn't want to.

It sounds terrible, but each time a friend goes through housing issues or in-family fighting after the death of a parent, I am so thankful that my parents are still relatively poor. They live in a very low COL area and rent a small apartment that still leaves them plenty of money leftover each month out of their social security checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may have trouble accepting when they need to downgrade - whether that's a one bedroom in a senior community or a bedroom/bathroom in your house.

DH would probably host his dad, but there is no way he will live with his mother under one roof. He is a good son and he is able to be that way because he knows how to manage the relationship.

I do think the 1 BR in a senior community may be a point of conflict. I can't see my MIL going for that.

But she’ll have to, because that’s what they can afford. Your family shouldn’t sacrifice your own financial security (and your own retirement) so they can continue to live beyond their means. Why should you bankroll their luxurious lifestyle at your own expense? Your MIL is going to have to “go for that.” It’s it like they won’t have a roof over their head or their basic needs met if you don’t support them.

Of course, if they need other supports (like caregivers, etc.) that’s a different story, and a tough one. But there gave to be some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

^ it *isn’t* like they won’t have a roof over their head

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe the selfishness of some people’s parents. To live high on the hog and not plan for the future, and then have the plan be that their child will have to support them? That is just ridiculous and so unfair and burdensome. And, OP, your in-laws inherited $2 million on top of whatever salaries they made for themselves? Holy moly, you have my real sympathy. And your mother-in-law had better prepared to downsize because if she thinks you are going to bust your hump for many more decades so that she can live in whatever lifestyle she feels like, she is living in a fantasy world. Your husband had better have a serious conversation with them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may have trouble accepting when they need to downgrade - whether that's a one bedroom in a senior community or a bedroom/bathroom in your house.

DH would probably host his dad, but there is no way he will live with his mother under one roof. He is a good son and he is able to be that way because he knows how to manage the relationship.

I do think the 1 BR in a senior community may be a point of conflict. I can't see my MIL going for that.

What choice does she have? A couple mil 20 years ago could have compounded to ofer $7M today if it was untouched and got about 7% interest.

where could you get 7% interest in the past 20 years?

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re not poor and they’re not young. None of this is gonna kill you. They sound like good people. Suck it up. They’re family.

[Anonymous]

So, you say they have about one year left of money. Is that at their current spending level? That is clearly out of whack? They need to buckle down NOW and turn that one year into a few more. Also, they can go back to work. Many people are in their 70s and 80s and still working because they need the money. If these people lived large with no plans for the future, I would not sacrifice any of my hard earned money on them.