Anyone Been Disinherited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how do you handle this situation: Dad had two kids from previous marriage and one kid from new wife. Dad thinks all their assets should be split equally between his three kids. New wife disagrees and thinks her own assets should go to only her kid and only his assets should be split three ways. Dad is hurt by this.

Presumably the other children will also inherit from their mother? You could argue that it's unfair that the first two children inherit from three sources vs. two for the new child. If they can't agree then wife can establish a testamentary trust if she dies first that puts some portion of her monies in trust for the new child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how do you handle this situation: Dad had two kids from previous marriage and one kid from new wife. Dad thinks all their assets should be split equally between his three kids. New wife disagrees and thinks her own assets should go to only her kid and only his assets should be split three ways. Dad is hurt by this.

I think it's sh*tty of her but he should respect her feelings. And maybe balance everything out by giving the two previous kids a little more. Or not. People have to do what they feel right about. But it would be good if they can not be sh*tty human beings, especially where remarriages happen. It's just crappy to take over a family and then scr#w people over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how do you handle this situation: Dad had two kids from previous marriage and one kid from new wife. Dad thinks all their assets should be split equally between his three kids. New wife disagrees and thinks her own assets should go to only her kid and only his assets should be split three ways. Dad is hurt by this.

The dad should try to outlive his wife and get all of the shared assets to distribute as he sees fit. Alternatively while they are alive. he can make tax free gifts annually to the kids and their family (gift tax currently at 16k per person but it has increased over time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So how do you handle this situation: Dad had two kids from previous marriage and one kid from new wife. Dad thinks all their assets should be split equally between his three kids. New wife disagrees and thinks her own assets should go to only her kid and only his assets should be split three ways. Dad is hurt by this.

Presumably the other children will also inherit from their mother? You could argue that it's unfair that the first two children inherit from three sources vs. two for the new child. If they can't agree then wife can establish a testamentary trust if she dies first that puts some portion of her monies in trust for the new child.

This isn't that uncommon actually just because of what the above poster describes. For instance if she came to the marriage with prior kids she would divide up her assets between her own prior kids and their shared kid and the dad would do the same. I would suggest they go through an estate planner with experience dealing with multiple marriages. They will point out the issues and help give language to avoid any appearance of favoritism that may create tension among the children. Sometimes it matters what the situation with the other parent is--and also disparities in wealth of various parents. Also, while this isn't uncommon, it is a source of common tensions and step mom should know that it has the potential to create a divide in how her step children feel about her and between the step children and her child. But an estate planner can be an effective 3rd party who can talk them through these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yup. Mom always SAHM, was divorced w/ a child when she married my Dad. Then my parents had 3 children. Mom was jealous Dad's 1st son was his favorite, then me, Dad's oldest daughter. Mom's fav was her son (with previous husband) & youngest daughter (who may or not be my Dad's. After Dad passed, Mom changed the will so Dad's fav got 10% of the estate & if we either of us died, our spouses & children get nothing. Mom's son got 30% of estate, plus was executor + another account. Mom's fav daughter got 50%. But that wasn't all- Mom knew she was dying about a year before, and made "loans" to fav daughter, with no "payback provisions. And she changed the beneficiary on Dad's 401k & all brokerage accounts to her (we estimate over $10M, they were opened in early 70s) , so they never went through the estate.
While she was living Mom never had an issue asking either my brother or I for money because she was "short" & we never refused her. She would give us a list of what she wanted for a holiday gift- washer, dryer, TV, etc. AND we bought them, even if it meant a fight with our spouses.
Of course when the will was sent to us, after the funeral we were hurt & angry. Nothing we can do...except we will never speak to the two favs and there is no relationship between the grandchildren. And both of us apologized profusely to our spouses for everything that went on)
(And we retell this story as a precautionary tale. Although, funny when we told other relatives/ friends, they were shocked she would screw her own 2 children, but always thought she was sneaky person & not too nice).

I heard this happens more than you would think.

I'm sorry but you sound entitled
I would not cut out family just because we inherited unequally

I'm the pp above you, and don't consider myself entitled. My dad will die before my step mom and I would never expect her to give me $$. I know it will go to her kids. But, if my parents gave two kids the equivalent of $5m and two kids zero, yeah I would have a a hard time seeing them.

But the problem is with the parents fixing unequally. Not with the kids. So why cut out the kids and the grandkids

Because she can’t control her anger and bitterness.

I am not the pp who was in the situation, so it was perfectly hypothetical for me. I think I would feel more sad that I was completely cut out, and obviously it would depend on how siblings handled it. You're probably just a much better person than me. Getting left out of $10M would be hard. I mean going to dinner with them and having to split the bill, yeah no.

Who said anything about shouting the bill? Would you cut a sibling out of your life who inherited when you didn’t?

DP: I might if they didn't try to resolve the inequity or at least engage in conversation about it because that's a sign that they are fine with the situation. Depends on the prior relationship with the sibling. But I think I would find it hard to be chummy if they were just like, too bad I was mom's favorite. Might just be a christmas/birthday card/visit them if they are in the hospital kind of relationship after that.

Wow. So they received a gift (essentially) and because you didn’t, if they don’t right a perceived wrong committed by the gift giver, you’ll cut them out. Wow.

And you don’t really mean just engage in a conversation about it. Because if they did and offered you nothing, you’d - once again - not be okay with it.

Yep, because it's a pretty hard thing to deal with that your mother decided to put this wedge between you and your sibling--and that the sibling is okay with it persisting. Now if there was some convincing reason without offering me something--like the mom felt the sibling was needier, or that they had paid for more of my college or whatever. But if not, what's the tie then really? Stay tied to family who want to show that they loved the other sibling more and the sibling is fine with it? Doesn't sound like relationships I want to pour any significant effort into and I would be better off developing relationships with people who actually love and care about me.

I wouldn’t take this approach, but you do you, boo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Mom always SAHM, was divorced w/ a child when she married my Dad. Then my parents had 3 children. Mom was jealous Dad's 1st son was his favorite, then me, Dad's oldest daughter. Mom's fav was her son (with previous husband) & youngest daughter (who may or not be my Dad's. After Dad passed, Mom changed the will so Dad's fav got 10% of the estate & if we either of us died, our spouses & children get nothing. Mom's son got 30% of estate, plus was executor + another account. Mom's fav daughter got 50%. But that wasn't all- Mom knew she was dying about a year before, and made "loans" to fav daughter, with no "payback provisions. And she changed the beneficiary on Dad's 401k & all brokerage accounts to her (we estimate over $10M, they were opened in early 70s) , so they never went through the estate.
While she was living Mom never had an issue asking either my brother or I for money because she was "short" & we never refused her. She would give us a list of what she wanted for a holiday gift- washer, dryer, TV, etc. AND we bought them, even if it meant a fight with our spouses.
Of course when the will was sent to us, after the funeral we were hurt & angry. Nothing we can do...except we will never speak to the two favs and there is no relationship between the grandchildren. And both of us apologized profusely to our spouses for everything that went on)
(And we retell this story as a precautionary tale. Although, funny when we told other relatives/ friends, they were shocked she would screw her own 2 children, but always thought she was sneaky person & not too nice).

I heard this happens more than you would think.

I'm sorry but you sound entitled
I would not cut out family just because we inherited unequally

I'm the pp above you, and don't consider myself entitled. My dad will die before my step mom and I would never expect her to give me $$. I know it will go to her kids. But, if my parents gave two kids the equivalent of $5m and two kids zero, yeah I would have a a hard time seeing them.

But the problem is with the parents fixing unequally. Not with the kids. So why cut out the kids and the grandkids

Because she can’t control her anger and bitterness.

I am not the pp who was in the situation, so it was perfectly hypothetical for me. I think I would feel more sad that I was completely cut out, and obviously it would depend on how siblings handled it. You're probably just a much better person than me. Getting left out of $10M would be hard. I mean going to dinner with them and having to split the bill, yeah no.

Who said anything about shouting the bill? Would you cut a sibling out of your life who inherited when you didn’t?

DP: I might if they didn't try to resolve the inequity or at least engage in conversation about it because that's a sign that they are fine with the situation. Depends on the prior relationship with the sibling. But I think I would find it hard to be chummy if they were just like, too bad I was mom's favorite. Might just be a christmas/birthday card/visit them if they are in the hospital kind of relationship after that.

Wow. So they received a gift (essentially) and because you didn’t, if they don’t right a perceived wrong committed by the gift giver, you’ll cut them out. Wow.

And you don’t really mean just engage in a conversation about it. Because if they did and offered you nothing, you’d - once again - not be okay with it.

Yep, because it's a pretty hard thing to deal with that your mother decided to put this wedge between you and your sibling--and that the sibling is okay with it persisting. Now if there was some convincing reason without offering me something--like the mom felt the sibling was needier, or that they had paid for more of my college or whatever. But if not, what's the tie then really? Stay tied to family who want to show that they loved the other sibling more and the sibling is fine with it? Doesn't sound like relationships I want to pour any significant effort into and I would be better off developing relationships with people who actually love and care about me.

I wouldn’t take this approach, but you do you, boo.

Just the many ways people are different. For instance, I would never say "you do you" or call anyone "boo."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Mom always SAHM, was divorced w/ a child when she married my Dad. Then my parents had 3 children. Mom was jealous Dad's 1st son was his favorite, then me, Dad's oldest daughter. Mom's fav was her son (with previous husband) & youngest daughter (who may or not be my Dad's. After Dad passed, Mom changed the will so Dad's fav got 10% of the estate & if we either of us died, our spouses & children get nothing. Mom's son got 30% of estate, plus was executor + another account. Mom's fav daughter got 50%. But that wasn't all- Mom knew she was dying about a year before, and made "loans" to fav daughter, with no "payback provisions. And she changed the beneficiary on Dad's 401k & all brokerage accounts to her (we estimate over $10M, they were opened in early 70s) , so they never went through the estate.
While she was living Mom never had an issue asking either my brother or I for money because she was "short" & we never refused her. She would give us a list of what she wanted for a holiday gift- washer, dryer, TV, etc. AND we bought them, even if it meant a fight with our spouses.
Of course when the will was sent to us, after the funeral we were hurt & angry. Nothing we can do...except we will never speak to the two favs and there is no relationship between the grandchildren. And both of us apologized profusely to our spouses for everything that went on)
(And we retell this story as a precautionary tale. Although, funny when we told other relatives/ friends, they were shocked she would screw her own 2 children, but always thought she was sneaky person & not too nice).

I heard this happens more than you would think.

I'm sorry but you sound entitled
I would not cut out family just because we inherited unequally

I'm the pp above you, and don't consider myself entitled. My dad will die before my step mom and I would never expect her to give me $$. I know it will go to her kids. But, if my parents gave two kids the equivalent of $5m and two kids zero, yeah I would have a a hard time seeing them.

But the problem is with the parents fixing unequally. Not with the kids. So why cut out the kids and the grandkids

Because she can’t control her anger and bitterness.

I am not the pp who was in the situation, so it was perfectly hypothetical for me. I think I would feel more sad that I was completely cut out, and obviously it would depend on how siblings handled it. You're probably just a much better person than me. Getting left out of $10M would be hard. I mean going to dinner with them and having to split the bill, yeah no.

Who said anything about shouting the bill? Would you cut a sibling out of your life who inherited when you didn’t?

DP: I might if they didn't try to resolve the inequity or at least engage in conversation about it because that's a sign that they are fine with the situation. Depends on the prior relationship with the sibling. But I think I would find it hard to be chummy if they were just like, too bad I was mom's favorite. Might just be a christmas/birthday card/visit them if they are in the hospital kind of relationship after that.

Wow. So they received a gift (essentially) and because you didn’t, if they don’t right a perceived wrong committed by the gift giver, you’ll cut them out. Wow.

And you don’t really mean just engage in a conversation about it. Because if they did and offered you nothing, you’d - once again - not be okay with it.

Yep, because it's a pretty hard thing to deal with that your mother decided to put this wedge between you and your sibling--and that the sibling is okay with it persisting. Now if there was some convincing reason without offering me something--like the mom felt the sibling was needier, or that they had paid for more of my college or whatever. But if not, what's the tie then really? Stay tied to family who want to show that they loved the other sibling more and the sibling is fine with it? Doesn't sound like relationships I want to pour any significant effort into and I would be better off developing relationships with people who actually love and care about me.

I wouldn’t take this approach, but you do you, boo.

So if you were one of the kids from the first marriage, and your grandparent or father from the first marriage unrelated to your half sibling left you money, would you give half of it to your half sibling? I’m guessing no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Mom always SAHM, was divorced w/ a child when she married my Dad. Then my parents had 3 children. Mom was jealous Dad's 1st son was his favorite, then me, Dad's oldest daughter. Mom's fav was her son (with previous husband) & youngest daughter (who may or not be my Dad's. After Dad passed, Mom changed the will so Dad's fav got 10% of the estate & if we either of us died, our spouses & children get nothing. Mom's son got 30% of estate, plus was executor + another account. Mom's fav daughter got 50%. But that wasn't all- Mom knew she was dying about a year before, and made "loans" to fav daughter, with no "payback provisions. And she changed the beneficiary on Dad's 401k & all brokerage accounts to her (we estimate over $10M, they were opened in early 70s) , so they never went through the estate.
While she was living Mom never had an issue asking either my brother or I for money because she was "short" & we never refused her. She would give us a list of what she wanted for a holiday gift- washer, dryer, TV, etc. AND we bought them, even if it meant a fight with our spouses.
Of course when the will was sent to us, after the funeral we were hurt & angry. Nothing we can do...except we will never speak to the two favs and there is no relationship between the grandchildren. And both of us apologized profusely to our spouses for everything that went on)
(And we retell this story as a precautionary tale. Although, funny when we told other relatives/ friends, they were shocked she would screw her own 2 children, but always thought she was sneaky person & not too nice).

I heard this happens more than you would think.

I'm sorry but you sound entitled
I would not cut out family just because we inherited unequally

I'm the pp above you, and don't consider myself entitled. My dad will die before my step mom and I would never expect her to give me $$. I know it will go to her kids. But, if my parents gave two kids the equivalent of $5m and two kids zero, yeah I would have a a hard time seeing them.

But the problem is with the parents fixing unequally. Not with the kids. So why cut out the kids and the grandkids

Because she can’t control her anger and bitterness.

I am not the pp who was in the situation, so it was perfectly hypothetical for me. I think I would feel more sad that I was completely cut out, and obviously it would depend on how siblings handled it. You're probably just a much better person than me. Getting left out of $10M would be hard. I mean going to dinner with them and having to split the bill, yeah no.

Who said anything about shouting the bill? Would you cut a sibling out of your life who inherited when you didn’t?

DP: I might if they didn't try to resolve the inequity or at least engage in conversation about it because that's a sign that they are fine with the situation. Depends on the prior relationship with the sibling. But I think I would find it hard to be chummy if they were just like, too bad I was mom's favorite. Might just be a christmas/birthday card/visit them if they are in the hospital kind of relationship after that.

Wow. So they received a gift (essentially) and because you didn’t, if they don’t right a perceived wrong committed by the gift giver, you’ll cut them out. Wow.

And you don’t really mean just engage in a conversation about it. Because if they did and offered you nothing, you’d - once again - not be okay with it.

Yep, because it's a pretty hard thing to deal with that your mother decided to put this wedge between you and your sibling--and that the sibling is okay with it persisting. Now if there was some convincing reason without offering me something--like the mom felt the sibling was needier, or that they had paid for more of my college or whatever. But if not, what's the tie then really? Stay tied to family who want to show that they loved the other sibling more and the sibling is fine with it? Doesn't sound like relationships I want to pour any significant effort into and I would be better off developing relationships with people who actually love and care about me.

I wouldn’t take this approach, but you do you, boo.

Just the many ways people are different. For instance, I would never say "you do you" or call anyone "boo."

Thanks so much for pointing that example out.

[Anonymous]

I have to say this is just one more way that adult children of divorced parents often get screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Mom always SAHM, was divorced w/ a child when she married my Dad. Then my parents had 3 children. Mom was jealous Dad's 1st son was his favorite, then me, Dad's oldest daughter. Mom's fav was her son (with previous husband) & youngest daughter (who may or not be my Dad's. After Dad passed, Mom changed the will so Dad's fav got 10% of the estate & if we either of us died, our spouses & children get nothing. Mom's son got 30% of estate, plus was executor + another account. Mom's fav daughter got 50%. But that wasn't all- Mom knew she was dying about a year before, and made "loans" to fav daughter, with no "payback provisions. And she changed the beneficiary on Dad's 401k & all brokerage accounts to her (we estimate over $10M, they were opened in early 70s) , so they never went through the estate.
While she was living Mom never had an issue asking either my brother or I for money because she was "short" & we never refused her. She would give us a list of what she wanted for a holiday gift- washer, dryer, TV, etc. AND we bought them, even if it meant a fight with our spouses.
Of course when the will was sent to us, after the funeral we were hurt & angry. Nothing we can do...except we will never speak to the two favs and there is no relationship between the grandchildren. And both of us apologized profusely to our spouses for everything that went on)
(And we retell this story as a precautionary tale. Although, funny when we told other relatives/ friends, they were shocked she would screw her own 2 children, but always thought she was sneaky person & not too nice).

I heard this happens more than you would think.

I'm sorry but you sound entitled
I would not cut out family just because we inherited unequally

I'm the pp above you, and don't consider myself entitled. My dad will die before my step mom and I would never expect her to give me $$. I know it will go to her kids. But, if my parents gave two kids the equivalent of $5m and two kids zero, yeah I would have a a hard time seeing them.

But the problem is with the parents fixing unequally. Not with the kids. So why cut out the kids and the grandkids

Because she can’t control her anger and bitterness.

NP here. I would be able to control it, but why put myself in a position to relive the hurt that my mom caused? Their presence would be a constant reminder if we weren't close enough that these feelings crept in then inbound just protect myself. I understand her and I have a loving supportive family that wouldn't do this. It's human psychology. Just expect her to be human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not unusual for a stepparent, even one who has been more than adequately provided for via either joint assets, lifetime use of the estate property, survivor's pension, etc. to persuade a spouse that they will be out on the streets without having full access and control of all funds. They will promise that they won't cut out their stepkids upon their own demise, but that's completely unrealistic. Lots of weeping and gnashing of teeth about poor widows from this set.

Frankly, it's a lot of women who remarried in their 60s and 70s and expect to be treated the same as a first wife of 40+ years, even if most of the money pre-dated her. You will notice that it's not often women who get manipulated from leaving their own kids out.

Exactly. [Much younger] stepmom made sure she and their daughter get 100%.

On the other hand, we 3 "adult children from the former marriage" are at 0%. I am financially fine along with one sibling, but one other sibling could have used some money.

[Anonymous]

If you want your kids to inherit, give your portion when you die. Don't trust your spouse to do it. People become easy marks when they are old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Mom always SAHM, was divorced w/ a child when she married my Dad. Then my parents had 3 children. Mom was jealous Dad's 1st son was his favorite, then me, Dad's oldest daughter. Mom's fav was her son (with previous husband) & youngest daughter (who may or not be my Dad's. After Dad passed, Mom changed the will so Dad's fav got 10% of the estate & if we either of us died, our spouses & children get nothing. Mom's son got 30% of estate, plus was executor + another account. Mom's fav daughter got 50%. But that wasn't all- Mom knew she was dying about a year before, and made "loans" to fav daughter, with no "payback provisions. And she changed the beneficiary on Dad's 401k & all brokerage accounts to her (we estimate over $10M, they were opened in early 70s) , so they never went through the estate.
While she was living Mom never had an issue asking either my brother or I for money because she was "short" & we never refused her. She would give us a list of what she wanted for a holiday gift- washer, dryer, TV, etc. AND we bought them, even if it meant a fight with our spouses.
Of course when the will was sent to us, after the funeral we were hurt & angry. Nothing we can do...except we will never speak to the two favs and there is no relationship between the grandchildren. And both of us apologized profusely to our spouses for everything that went on)
(And we retell this story as a precautionary tale. Although, funny when we told other relatives/ friends, they were shocked she would screw her own 2 children, but always thought she was sneaky person & not too nice).

I heard this happens more than you would think.

I'm sorry but you sound entitled
I would not cut out family just because we inherited unequally

I'm the pp above you, and don't consider myself entitled. My dad will die before my step mom and I would never expect her to give me $$. I know it will go to her kids. But, if my parents gave two kids the equivalent of $5m and two kids zero, yeah I would have a a hard time seeing them.

But the problem is with the parents fixing unequally. Not with the kids. So why cut out the kids and the grandkids

Because she can’t control her anger and bitterness.

I am not the pp who was in the situation, so it was perfectly hypothetical for me. I think I would feel more sad that I was completely cut out, and obviously it would depend on how siblings handled it. You're probably just a much better person than me. Getting left out of $10M would be hard. I mean going to dinner with them and having to split the bill, yeah no.

Who said anything about shouting the bill? Would you cut a sibling out of your life who inherited when you didn’t?

DP: I might if they didn't try to resolve the inequity or at least engage in conversation about it because that's a sign that they are fine with the situation. Depends on the prior relationship with the sibling. But I think I would find it hard to be chummy if they were just like, too bad I was mom's favorite. Might just be a christmas/birthday card/visit them if they are in the hospital kind of relationship after that.

Wow. So they received a gift (essentially) and because you didn’t, if they don’t right a perceived wrong committed by the gift giver, you’ll cut them out. Wow.

And you don’t really mean just engage in a conversation about it. Because if they did and offered you nothing, you’d - once again - not be okay with it.

Yep, because it's a pretty hard thing to deal with that your mother decided to put this wedge between you and your sibling--and that the sibling is okay with it persisting. Now if there was some convincing reason without offering me something--like the mom felt the sibling was needier, or that they had paid for more of my college or whatever. But if not, what's the tie then really? Stay tied to family who want to show that they loved the other sibling more and the sibling is fine with it? Doesn't sound like relationships I want to pour any significant effort into and I would be better off developing relationships with people who actually love and care about me.

I wouldn’t take this approach, but you do you, boo.

So if you were one of the kids from the first marriage, and your grandparent or father from the first marriage unrelated to your half sibling left you money, would you give half of it to your half sibling? I’m guessing no

The example we were discussing was 4 biological children. Not from different marriages. Different case.

[Anonymous]

i was disinherited by my mother - as were my siblings. We never counted on her for anything so lost zero sleep over her will. We had a modest reconnection with her shortly before she died. She ended up leaving us all a little money - like $50k each. The rest went to well-respected charities. None of us worried about it. If you really lose a connection with someone - you don't really care what they do with their money. I think its harder when there is a stronger connection or a feeling that you have been cheated by a step parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i was disinherited by my mother - as were my siblings. We never counted on her for anything so lost zero sleep over her will. We had a modest reconnection with her shortly before she died. She ended up leaving us all a little money - like $50k each. The rest went to well-respected charities. None of us worried about it. If you really lose a connection with someone - you don't really care what they do with their money. I think its harder when there is a stronger connection or a feeling that you have been cheated by a step parent.

I don't really think of that as being disinherited. Would it be that much different if before she died she made a lot of donations and only had $50K each left in her estate? I think of being disinherited as other siblings or a new spouse getting all of it and you get nothing or a nominal amount.