Moving to a different state and impact on kids?

[Anonymous]

OP, we will be moving across the country next summer for a new job so I understand your concerns. Our kids will be 3 and 9 at that point. The 3 year old won't care, but we haven't told the 9 year old yet. I'm concerned that she's had so much instability and disruption in life recently (namely the pandemic, and a sibling being born at the start of it--two major changes at once!) that have been very hard on her, that adding on another big change will be really rough. She's a really sensitive kid. My parents are 1.5 hours from us now and we see them a lot, so being across the country from them is going to be very difficult. She has some friends but it's not like she's been best friends with anyone since preschool. Fingers crossed it goes well for her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your priority? Your children’s well-being or money?

ridiculous framing. no evidence whatsoever that staying where they are will bring about "children's well-being".

Moving could disrupt that as they’ve stated they don’t want to move. Staying or leaving is no guarantee and I never said it was, but you say it like you wouldn’t even consider your children’s feelings because “no evidence that staying where they are” is possibly not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your priority? Your children’s well-being or money?

ridiculous framing. no evidence whatsoever that staying where they are will bring about "children's well-being".

NP. Conversely, where is your evidence that moving will be good for their well-being?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an amazing, once in a lifetime career opportunity to move to an excellent Chicago suburb. I would like to take this opportunity, and my spouse works from home entirely, so conceptually we could do this move. The public schools where we would move are just as good, if not better than MCPS, but I could even afford private with the new salary. However, we have two middle schoolers at MCPS who like where we are at and hate change. Could it be potentially devastating for them if we move? My kids are basically my only hesitation and I feel it’s like flipping a coin - it could be the worst decision ever for them if I take the job and move, such as them immediately falling in with a bad crowd, or it could be incredible for them and then our family would get to live in the Chicago area.

What are people’s thoughts on moving kids in late middle school/9th grade? Have you seen it go well or seen it go horribly? Any studies or statistics on this? If I knew a move would result poorly for my kids, then I would turn down the offer.

Hi Op!

Have you tried to talk to them? Is this a forever job or a short term one? I know kids can't see this far ahead but, most kids don't maintain friendships long term so it seems silly to turn down a great opportunity for friends that they could break up with in a few years. How badly do you want this job? If I had this opportunity I would listen to how they feel and then share what I wanted. If I thought that this was good for the family than I would make the decision ( with my spouse) to move.

Ultimately as the adults you get the final decision. But, I would promise to visit DC to see friends etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would like to move for this job, which will double my already good income level. My kids will not want to move and my husband also isn’t in favor of moving for the following reasons:

- uncertainty about how the kids would adjust. In answer to everyone’s questions, my kids do not have mental or health issues that would prevent us from moving. My kids are all pretty independent and, while each has 2-3 good friends, they aren’t social butterflies that constantly want to socialize. These are kids who will opt stay home and read, watch movies, hang out with parents in lieu of socializing with peers. They will often say things like “getting together with a friend 1-2 times per week is enough and I don’t want more than that.” That said, they’re well liked and no problems socially at school.

- one complicating factor is that my husband and I are both from the DC area and my kids are very close with their grandparents and cousins. It would be hard in the future to not have these extended familial relationships, though honestly sometimes for me it is a little too much to constantly have extended family obligations (which we do). However, my kids and husband seem to enjoy it a lot, and we would be giving up the proximity to extended family if we move.

- I know the job and the boss I would have very well. I would be getting this promotion by taking over my current boss’s time and my boss would also move up the ladder, but I would still report to the same boss. So very little chance that I would hate the new job. There is an outside possibility that some “bald swan” event could occur (my boss falling I’ll and dying, or my company being bought), that could result in changes to my work situation, but there is no indication that this is a likelihood.

- my husband has hesitations about moving. He’s lived in the DC area his whole life and loves his friends and family here and the sports teams (not kidding, that’s one of his reasons for not wanting to move). So there is negative pressure there too. So I would be pushing everyone to make this move, which would be an uphill battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would like to move for this job, which will double my already good income level. My kids will not want to move and my husband also isn’t in favor of moving for the following reasons:

- uncertainty about how the kids would adjust. In answer to everyone’s questions, my kids do not have mental or health issues that would prevent us from moving. My kids are all pretty independent and, while each has 2-3 good friends, they aren’t social butterflies that constantly want to socialize. These are kids who will opt stay home and read, watch movies, hang out with parents in lieu of socializing with peers. They will often say things like “getting together with a friend 1-2 times per week is enough and I don’t want more than that.” That said, they’re well liked and no problems socially at school.

- one complicating factor is that my husband and I are both from the DC area and my kids are very close with their grandparents and cousins. It would be hard in the future to not have these extended familial relationships, though honestly sometimes for me it is a little too much to constantly have extended family obligations (which we do). However, my kids and husband seem to enjoy it a lot, and we would be giving up the proximity to extended family if we move.

- I know the job and the boss I would have very well. I would be getting this promotion by taking over my current boss’s time and my boss would also move up the ladder, but I would still report to the same boss. So very little chance that I would hate the new job. There is an outside possibility that some “bald swan” event could occur (my boss falling I’ll and dying, or my company being bought), that could result in changes to my work situation, but there is no indication that this is a likelihood.

- my husband has hesitations about moving. He’s lived in the DC area his whole life and loves his friends and family here and the sports teams (not kidding, that’s one of his reasons for not wanting to move). So there is negative pressure there too. So I would be pushing everyone to make this move, which would be an uphill battle.

I would not move under these circumstances. personally, I have lived in a number of different places as an adult and relished the experiences. However, as a child, I had an incredibly stable family life, lived near family and friends, and was able to continue schooling without the threat of losing friends/having to start over. Did that impede me from learning to do this as an adult? Not by any measure. Did it make us "weirdos" per PP above. Hard pass. Kids are not "weirdos" for craving stability, family and friends. That makes them human.

it is hard to start over at your age, and I imagine more so for your husband. We do not create the bonds or friends that we did in our youth and as a result it can be isolating for adults to move to new cities. As a result, his happiness and social needs will be dependent on you. This is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate and could be a strain on the marriage. He may also harbor resentment for taking him away from family and friends.
As for the kids, I'm sure that they'll learn to adapt. We all do. But they will definitely miss out on precious years with grandparents and cousins. That's such a rare gift for kids these days. But ultimately you'll have to decide whether the extra cash will outweigh all that you leave behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would like to move for this job, which will double my already good income level. My kids will not want to move and my husband also isn’t in favor of moving for the following reasons:

- uncertainty about how the kids would adjust. In answer to everyone’s questions, my kids do not have mental or health issues that would prevent us from moving. My kids are all pretty independent and, while each has 2-3 good friends, they aren’t social butterflies that constantly want to socialize. These are kids who will opt stay home and read, watch movies, hang out with parents in lieu of socializing with peers. They will often say things like “getting together with a friend 1-2 times per week is enough and I don’t want more than that.” That said, they’re well liked and no problems socially at school.

- one complicating factor is that my husband and I are both from the DC area and my kids are very close with their grandparents and cousins. It would be hard in the future to not have these extended familial relationships, though honestly sometimes for me it is a little too much to constantly have extended family obligations (which we do). However, my kids and husband seem to enjoy it a lot, and we would be giving up the proximity to extended family if we move.

- I know the job and the boss I would have very well. I would be getting this promotion by taking over my current boss’s time and my boss would also move up the ladder, but I would still report to the same boss. So very little chance that I would hate the new job. There is an outside possibility that some “bald swan” event could occur (my boss falling I’ll and dying, or my company being bought), that could result in changes to my work situation, but there is no indication that this is a likelihood.

- my husband has hesitations about moving. He’s lived in the DC area his whole life and loves his friends and family here and the sports teams (not kidding, that’s one of his reasons for not wanting to move). So there is negative pressure there too. So I would be pushing everyone to make this move, which would be an uphill battle.

So, it sounds like you're the only one really wanting to move? To me it sounds like you're giving up an awful lot in pursuit of money. If you were hurting financially, I'd get it. But doesn't seem like you are?

That said - we just moved back to DC after a handful of years on the west coast. We missed family and our lifestyle here. It is very hard work establishing close friendships as working adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would like to move for this job, which will double my already good income level. My kids will not want to move and my husband also isn’t in favor of moving for the following reasons:

- uncertainty about how the kids would adjust. In answer to everyone’s questions, my kids do not have mental or health issues that would prevent us from moving. My kids are all pretty independent and, while each has 2-3 good friends, they aren’t social butterflies that constantly want to socialize. These are kids who will opt stay home and read, watch movies, hang out with parents in lieu of socializing with peers. They will often say things like “getting together with a friend 1-2 times per week is enough and I don’t want more than that.” That said, they’re well liked and no problems socially at school.

- one complicating factor is that my husband and I are both from the DC area and my kids are very close with their grandparents and cousins. It would be hard in the future to not have these extended familial relationships, though honestly sometimes for me it is a little too much to constantly have extended family obligations (which we do). However, my kids and husband seem to enjoy it a lot, and we would be giving up the proximity to extended family if we move.

- I know the job and the boss I would have very well. I would be getting this promotion by taking over my current boss’s time and my boss would also move up the ladder, but I would still report to the same boss. So very little chance that I would hate the new job. There is an outside possibility that some “bald swan” event could occur (my boss falling I’ll and dying, or my company being bought), that could result in changes to my work situation, but there is no indication that this is a likelihood.

- my husband has hesitations about moving. He’s lived in the DC area his whole life and loves his friends and family here and the sports teams (not kidding, that’s one of his reasons for not wanting to move). So there is negative pressure there too. So I would be pushing everyone to make this move, which would be an uphill battle.

You’re the only one who wants to move and it’s in pursuit of money. This is an easy answer, and it’s no.

[Anonymous]

Unless it’s Kenilworth, Glencoe, or Wilmette, I wouldn’t be interested. Maybe Lake Forest or Naperville would be ok as long as the house was amazing. Get ready for some crazy high taxes. More people are leaving rather than moving there, so I think your kids would get a lot of new kid energy-type attention.

In-state UIUC is hard to get into for CS/biz/engr.

What will your husband be doing for work? I’m sorry if I missed that bit.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and how do you and your husband cope with cold, ice, and snow? Good drivers?

[Anonymous]

If you were a man I doubt people would be giving you this much push back for moving for a once in a lifetime job opportunity that would double your salary. Housing cost is much better in Chicago. The flight time is 90 minutes and flights operate almost hourly. Your children are an ok age, I wouldn't do it in high school but middle school friends are going to come and go anyway. The first year I'd negotiated a schedule to come home to visit, and maybe that revolves around sporting events for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it’s Kenilworth, Glencoe, or Wilmette, I wouldn’t be interested. Maybe Lake Forest or Naperville would be ok as long as the house was amazing. Get ready for some crazy high taxes. More people are leaving rather than moving there, so I think your kids would get a lot of new kid energy-type attention.

In-state UIUC is hard to get into for CS/biz/engr.

What will your husband be doing for work? I’m sorry if I missed that bit.

She said he works remotely. She also said he is not in favor of moving along with the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would like to move for this job, which will double my already good income level. My kids will not want to move and my husband also isn’t in favor of moving for the following reasons:

- uncertainty about how the kids would adjust. In answer to everyone’s questions, my kids do not have mental or health issues that would prevent us from moving. My kids are all pretty independent and, while each has 2-3 good friends, they aren’t social butterflies that constantly want to socialize. These are kids who will opt stay home and read, watch movies, hang out with parents in lieu of socializing with peers. They will often say things like “getting together with a friend 1-2 times per week is enough and I don’t want more than that.” That said, they’re well liked and no problems socially at school.

- one complicating factor is that my husband and I are both from the DC area and my kids are very close with their grandparents and cousins. It would be hard in the future to not have these extended familial relationships, though honestly sometimes for me it is a little too much to constantly have extended family obligations (which we do). However, my kids and husband seem to enjoy it a lot, and we would be giving up the proximity to extended family if we move.

- I know the job and the boss I would have very well. I would be getting this promotion by taking over my current boss’s time and my boss would also move up the ladder, but I would still report to the same boss. So very little chance that I would hate the new job. There is an outside possibility that some “bald swan” event could occur (my boss falling I’ll and dying, or my company being bought), that could result in changes to my work situation, but there is no indication that this is a likelihood.

- my husband has hesitations about moving. He’s lived in the DC area his whole life and loves his friends and family here and the sports teams (not kidding, that’s one of his reasons for not wanting to move). So there is negative pressure there too. So I would be pushing everyone to make this move, which would be an uphill battle.

You’re the only one who wants to move and it’s in pursuit of money. This is an easy answer, and it’s no.

What if it was the husband who wanted to move so he could double his salary?

It sounds to me that the kids would be fine and would adjust. The husband is a big fat baby. Not wanting to move to a great city so his happy wife could double her salary because of the sports teams? Seriously??? Absolutely ridiculous. OP is married to a spoiled child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Hard pass.

Are your kids weirdos or something?

Np I think your response pp is over the top. People are different and that does not make them "weirdos" You could have asked why they don't want to move instead of being rude.

She didn't say the kids didn't want to move. She just said "hard pass." I took that to mean that the kids might be weirdos. I'm entitled to my opinion, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Hard pass.

Are your kids weirdos or something?

Np I think your response pp is over the top. People are different and that does not make them "weirdos" You could have asked why they don't want to move instead of being rude.

She didn't say the kids didn't want to move. She just said "hard pass." I took that to mean that the kids might be weirdos. I'm entitled to my opinion, too.

You feel you are very entitled is right.