Paying for destination wedding

[Anonymous]

I think you and your DH should reconsider “not bothering” the couple over this. If they’re keeping the wedding small, to family only, they shouldn’t be so oblivious to and inconsiderate of the entire family’s means to the point where everyone is looking to you and your DH to pay for it all! If you have to pay for it all, you should have some say.

Ask them to consider having a small wedding locally so the family can attend without going broke. You and your DH can offer to host a family-only reception for them at a nice restaurant as your gift to them. It should cost you less than the cost of your travel would.

They can still fly off to the resort for their honeymoon, at their own expense, as planned. Make it clear that the local reception would be limited to immediate family only so they don’t expand the guest list. It might be more palatable to them if you can suggest some nice venue options here before you have that discussion, maybe with a similar ambiance to their destination.

And if they decide they still want that resort wedding, then just send DH’s parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not whether or not you can cram a vacation into their day. Nowhere did OP say SIL is demanding anyone come. People are allowed to have the wedding they want.

We once were invited to a destination wedding and very few guests accepted because the time and expense were extreme. The bride and her mother were very upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not whether or not you can cram a vacation into their day. Nowhere did OP say SIL is demanding anyone come. People are allowed to have the wedding they want.

We once were invited to a destination wedding and very few guests accepted because the time and expense were extreme. The bride and her mother were very upset.

Ok cool story. We have no indication that that's the case here, so it's irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here… thanks for the input. It’s a small wedding with immediate family only (bride/groom paying for wedding themselves), so maybe this is why they chose to do a destination wedding. I don’t think my SIL has an issue with her parents, actually. I think she is either a little dense or inconsiderate. With it being such a small wedding I’m sure they are thinking everyone will come… I’m really not sure. I suppose because they are paying for it themselves they are meeting it small and doing what they want to do. I feel like they should have budgeted to help parents out or something at least, though.

They can’t afford a larger wedding and honeymoon so they are keeping it small enough to lower their costs but enough family to get their rooms comps. It’s not OP’s responsibility to bankroll their honeymoon and wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here… thanks for the input. It’s a small wedding with immediate family only (bride/groom paying for wedding themselves), so maybe this is why they chose to do a destination wedding. I don’t think my SIL has an issue with her parents, actually. I think she is either a little dense or inconsiderate. With it being such a small wedding I’m sure they are thinking everyone will come… I’m really not sure. I suppose because they are paying for it themselves they are meeting it small and doing what they want to do. I feel like they should have budgeted to help parents out or something at least, though.

They can’t afford a larger wedding and honeymoon so they are keeping it small enough to lower their costs but enough family to get their rooms comps. It’s not OP’s responsibility to bankroll their honeymoon and wedding.

Very inconsiderate couple if even the parents can't afford it. Bride's parents need to speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is SIL your DHs sister? So the parents in question are DH's parents? If that's the case then I might help them out. If it's a more remote relation then no way.

Yes, that’s the relationship. I want DH’s parents to go, obviously… but I feel like this isn’t our responsibility and it’s not chump change for us either

They’re his *parents.* You have to pay their way.

Wouldn’t you do the same for your own parents?

Other siblings? Now them, I would not give them the $$$ unless it is easy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here… thanks for the input. It’s a small wedding with immediate family only (bride/groom paying for wedding themselves), so maybe this is why they chose to do a destination wedding. I don’t think my SIL has an issue with her parents, actually. I think she is either a little dense or inconsiderate. With it being such a small wedding I’m sure they are thinking everyone will come… I’m really not sure. I suppose because they are paying for it themselves they are meeting it small and doing what they want to do. I feel like they should have budgeted to help parents out or something at least, though.

They can’t afford a larger wedding and honeymoon so they are keeping it small enough to lower their costs but enough family to get their rooms comps. It’s not OP’s responsibility to bankroll their honeymoon and wedding.

You have zero evidence for any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Looking at the much bigger, longer-term picture here:

When a spouse is insisting that Family Comes First, and means "my family of origin" and not "the family my spouse and I have together," you are in for problems that will continue long, long after any wedding kerfuffle.

OP, does your DH take a stance of "My family is so very important we must be at X event, no matter what" attitude about other things? At other times? Is this something that was already an ongoing theme before this wedding issue? I'm betting it might be, and that you will run up against DH's My Family First inclination again. Is he the type who also insists you have to attend all the graduations, weddings, Thanksgivings, holidays etc. "fairly" and "equally" between your family of origin and his, even if it creates logistical issues, incurs irrational costs, etc.?

For that matter -- if his parents are living on a fixed income and are now in good health, have you and he and his sibling(s) worked out what happens with the parents' care, house, assets etc. when they are older and begin to need much more help? That's a time when some of the my-family-first issues can really come to a head, OP.

I know. All that is not about this wedding etc. But just noting here that if the DH has this attitude about a wedding, especially one designed to limit anyone's attendance (let's face it, that's what many destination weddings are for) -- well, the attitude will still be around after the wedding is long over.

This is just looking for trouble. OP says they have the money, but spending it on this would be felt. Her DH isn't abandoning his immediate family, he's saying since they can afford it he would like to spend the money for his family to attend his sister's wedding. That may or may not be the right call, and OP definitely gets a say, but it's not a sign that he categorically prioritizes his family of origin over his wife and kids.

People on this board just look for opportunities to create power struggles. Every choice to help one member of your family is not proof that the other members don't matter to you.

If it would be a stretch it is an issue, especially when they have kids and their own expenses. Personally I would not go and send my husband and his parents. Its selfish to do a wedding like this without asking the guests if they can afford it. It wouldn't be a question. I'd tell SIL, we would have loved to go but its a stretch for our budget and just not a good use of our money and we look forward to seeing a video and celebrating when they get back.

Oh, geez. How rude and uncalled for to TELL a couple that attending their wedding isn’t a “good use” of your money. Please, just don’t.

They dont need to tell the couple but they also do not HAVE to attend, nor do they have to fund anyone else's attendance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Looking at the much bigger, longer-term picture here:

When a spouse is insisting that Family Comes First, and means "my family of origin" and not "the family my spouse and I have together," you are in for problems that will continue long, long after any wedding kerfuffle.

OP, does your DH take a stance of "My family is so very important we must be at X event, no matter what" attitude about other things? At other times? Is this something that was already an ongoing theme before this wedding issue? I'm betting it might be, and that you will run up against DH's My Family First inclination again. Is he the type who also insists you have to attend all the graduations, weddings, Thanksgivings, holidays etc. "fairly" and "equally" between your family of origin and his, even if it creates logistical issues, incurs irrational costs, etc.?

For that matter -- if his parents are living on a fixed income and are now in good health, have you and he and his sibling(s) worked out what happens with the parents' care, house, assets etc. when they are older and begin to need much more help? That's a time when some of the my-family-first issues can really come to a head, OP.

I know. All that is not about this wedding etc. But just noting here that if the DH has this attitude about a wedding, especially one designed to limit anyone's attendance (let's face it, that's what many destination weddings are for) -- well, the attitude will still be around after the wedding is long over.

This is just looking for trouble. OP says they have the money, but spending it on this would be felt. Her DH isn't abandoning his immediate family, he's saying since they can afford it he would like to spend the money for his family to attend his sister's wedding. That may or may not be the right call, and OP definitely gets a say, but it's not a sign that he categorically prioritizes his family of origin over his wife and kids.

People on this board just look for opportunities to create power struggles. Every choice to help one member of your family is not proof that the other members don't matter to you.

If it would be a stretch it is an issue, especially when they have kids and their own expenses. Personally I would not go and send my husband and his parents. Its selfish to do a wedding like this without asking the guests if they can afford it. It wouldn't be a question. I'd tell SIL, we would have loved to go but its a stretch for our budget and just not a good use of our money and we look forward to seeing a video and celebrating when they get back.

Oh, geez. How rude and uncalled for to TELL a couple that attending their wedding isn’t a “good use” of your money. Please, just don’t.

They dont need to tell the couple but they also do not HAVE to attend, nor do they have to fund anyone else's attendance.

I responded to a post which suggested OP should say this to SIL, in those exact words.

[Anonymous]

DH should tell the family members to contact the couple directly and discuss the situation. If it was one family member, fine. Maybe you can cover it. But sounds like at least 3 family members that can’t afford it? Then they need to discuss it directly with the bride and groom. DH should not be in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is SIL your DHs sister? So the parents in question are DH's parents? If that's the case then I might help them out. If it's a more remote relation then no way.

Yes, that’s the relationship. I want DH’s parents to go, obviously… but I feel like this isn’t our responsibility and it’s not chump change for us either

They’re his *parents.* You have to pay their way.

Wouldn’t you do the same for your own parents?

Not OP - No, I would not just pay without saying something. I would have a direct conversation with my sibling and let them know they put me and our parents in a terrible position. I would suggest as PP did that they have a family only local wedding and drop the whole destiation BS. OP's DH seems to think it's easier to suck it up and piss off his wife than have a direct conversation with his sister about her selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not whether or not you can cram a vacation into their day. Nowhere did OP say SIL is demanding anyone come. People are allowed to have the wedding they want.

We once were invited to a destination wedding and very few guests accepted because the time and expense were extreme. The bride and her mother were very upset.

Ok cool story. We have no indication that that's the case here, so it's irrelevant.

I think it’s relevant. When you plan your dream destination wedding and you want family and friends to attend you might want to determine if the family and friends can afford the time and the money. It’s a big ask of MC families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not whether or not you can cram a vacation into their day. Nowhere did OP say SIL is demanding anyone come. People are allowed to have the wedding they want.

We once were invited to a destination wedding and very few guests accepted because the time and expense were extreme. The bride and her mother were very upset.

Ok cool story. We have no indication that that's the case here, so it's irrelevant.

I think it’s relevant. When you plan your dream destination wedding and you want family and friends to attend you might want to determine if the family and friends can afford the time and the money. It’s a big ask of MC families.

Except that we don't know if SIL wants her family there. Maybe her family is awful.

[Anonymous]

Completely absurd that no one seems to be speaking up. OP, it’s unfortunate and telling that your husband is willing to sacrifice his own nuclear family’s financial security for this boondoggle.

[Anonymous]

Do parents who are on a fixed income even have valid passports? This whole plan reeks of bridezilla who wants to please herself and impress her soon-to-be in-laws. Tsk. I judge.