Paying for destination wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live on the west coast. Tickets to the east coast are 1k right now. That's 2k for 2 people. Hotel rooms anywhere are $300 a night right now, minimum. Four nights is $1200. So, that's $3200 for a domestic wedding. 4k is not that expensive.

Maybe it depends on the specific cities/dates--but I just did a google flight search and I'm finding non stops from Los Angeles to Washington DC for less than $250 round trip.

that's so funny right now. Let's see someone book one of those and actually get from la to dc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely would not pay for this. Your SIL sounds selfish and self- absorbed and if it were me, I would discourage my husband from enabling this behavior. It’s just the start if you don’t stop it now.

Op tell us more about your dh's family. What are you going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here… thanks for the input. It’s a small wedding with immediate family only (bride/groom paying for wedding themselves), so maybe this is why they chose to do a destination wedding. I don’t think my SIL has an issue with her parents, actually. I think she is either a little dense or inconsiderate. With it being such a small wedding I’m sure they are thinking everyone will come… I’m really not sure. I suppose because they are paying for it themselves they are meeting it small and doing what they want to do. I feel like they should have budgeted to help parents out or something at least, though.

I mean if they're paying for it themselves, I can understand why they're asking for their parents to pay for their own travel. Bride's parents normally contribute something. Maybe she's miffed at their irresponsibility and having to pay for her wedding herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live on the west coast. Tickets to the east coast are 1k right now. That's 2k for 2 people. Hotel rooms anywhere are $300 a night right now, minimum. Four nights is $1200. So, that's $3200 for a domestic wedding. 4k is not that expensive.

Maybe it depends on the specific cities/dates--but I just did a google flight search and I'm finding non stops from Los Angeles to Washington DC for less than $250 round trip.

that's so funny right now. Let's see someone book one of those and actually get from la to dc.

This. Maybe with a stops in Toronto and Omaha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here… thanks for the input. It’s a small wedding with immediate family only (bride/groom paying for wedding themselves), so maybe this is why they chose to do a destination wedding. I don’t think my SIL has an issue with her parents, actually. I think she is either a little dense or inconsiderate. With it being such a small wedding I’m sure they are thinking everyone will come… I’m really not sure. I suppose because they are paying for it themselves they are meeting it small and doing what they want to do. I feel like they should have budgeted to help parents out or something at least, though.

I mean if they're paying for it themselves, I can understand why they're asking for their parents to pay for their own travel. Bride's parents normally contribute something. Maybe she's miffed at their irresponsibility and having to pay for her wedding herself.

I’m guessing that because they are paying it for themselves they just said let’s actually do what we want. I would go if possible and help your parents, but don’t worry about anyone else. Everyone can figure it out on their own. Again, I don’t think destination weddings are inherently selfish. Either go or don’t - they’re clearly doing this for themselves if it’s such a small wedding.

[Anonymous]

Contribute what you would have given as a wedding gift towards your parents attending. Let your SIL and parents sort the remainder.

[Anonymous]

We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not whether or not you can cram a vacation into their day. Nowhere did OP say SIL is demanding anyone come. People are allowed to have the wedding they want.

[Anonymous]

Pay for the parents and husband to go. You and the kids can stay home. They should pay for the parents. Make that your gift to them.

[Anonymous]

Looking at the much bigger, longer-term picture here:

When a spouse is insisting that Family Comes First, and means "my family of origin" and not "the family my spouse and I have together," you are in for problems that will continue long, long after any wedding kerfuffle.

OP, does your DH take a stance of "My family is so very important we must be at X event, no matter what" attitude about other things? At other times? Is this something that was already an ongoing theme before this wedding issue? I'm betting it might be, and that you will run up against DH's My Family First inclination again. Is he the type who also insists you have to attend all the graduations, weddings, Thanksgivings, holidays etc. "fairly" and "equally" between your family of origin and his, even if it creates logistical issues, incurs irrational costs, etc.?

For that matter -- if his parents are living on a fixed income and are now in good health, have you and he and his sibling(s) worked out what happens with the parents' care, house, assets etc. when they are older and begin to need much more help? That's a time when some of the my-family-first issues can really come to a head, OP.

I know. All that is not about this wedding etc. But just noting here that if the DH has this attitude about a wedding, especially one designed to limit anyone's attendance (let's face it, that's what many destination weddings are for) -- well, the attitude will still be around after the wedding is long over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not whether or not you can cram a vacation into their day. Nowhere did OP say SIL is demanding anyone come. People are allowed to have the wedding they want.

DP. Maybe SIL didn't demand anyone come but the OP's DH is demanding that they attend and pay for others to attend as well. The issue is not the SIL or the wedding. It's the DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've certainly had to fly to weddings at the bride's hometown but we've only attended one "destination" wedding out of the five we've been invited to and that was only because we were able to tie it in with a planned vacation. But to fly to Barcelona, London or Hawaii because the bride loves the place and wants the wedding to be "special" puts ridiculous pressure on the guests and is irresponsible.

Weddings are about the bride and groom, not whether or not you can cram a vacation into their day. Nowhere did OP say SIL is demanding anyone come. People are allowed to have the wedding they want.

DP. Maybe SIL didn't demand anyone come but the OP's DH is demanding that they attend and pay for others to attend as well. The issue is not the SIL or the wedding. It's the DH.

I mean, it’s his money too and his family, so his feelings on the matter are valid. There has to be a reasonable compromise somewhere other than that DH is straight wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Looking at the much bigger, longer-term picture here:

When a spouse is insisting that Family Comes First, and means "my family of origin" and not "the family my spouse and I have together," you are in for problems that will continue long, long after any wedding kerfuffle.

OP, does your DH take a stance of "My family is so very important we must be at X event, no matter what" attitude about other things? At other times? Is this something that was already an ongoing theme before this wedding issue? I'm betting it might be, and that you will run up against DH's My Family First inclination again. Is he the type who also insists you have to attend all the graduations, weddings, Thanksgivings, holidays etc. "fairly" and "equally" between your family of origin and his, even if it creates logistical issues, incurs irrational costs, etc.?

For that matter -- if his parents are living on a fixed income and are now in good health, have you and he and his sibling(s) worked out what happens with the parents' care, house, assets etc. when they are older and begin to need much more help? That's a time when some of the my-family-first issues can really come to a head, OP.

I know. All that is not about this wedding etc. But just noting here that if the DH has this attitude about a wedding, especially one designed to limit anyone's attendance (let's face it, that's what many destination weddings are for) -- well, the attitude will still be around after the wedding is long over.

This is just looking for trouble. OP says they have the money, but spending it on this would be felt. Her DH isn't abandoning his immediate family, he's saying since they can afford it he would like to spend the money for his family to attend his sister's wedding. That may or may not be the right call, and OP definitely gets a say, but it's not a sign that he categorically prioritizes his family of origin over his wife and kids.

People on this board just look for opportunities to create power struggles. Every choice to help one member of your family is not proof that the other members don't matter to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Looking at the much bigger, longer-term picture here:

When a spouse is insisting that Family Comes First, and means "my family of origin" and not "the family my spouse and I have together," you are in for problems that will continue long, long after any wedding kerfuffle.

OP, does your DH take a stance of "My family is so very important we must be at X event, no matter what" attitude about other things? At other times? Is this something that was already an ongoing theme before this wedding issue? I'm betting it might be, and that you will run up against DH's My Family First inclination again. Is he the type who also insists you have to attend all the graduations, weddings, Thanksgivings, holidays etc. "fairly" and "equally" between your family of origin and his, even if it creates logistical issues, incurs irrational costs, etc.?

For that matter -- if his parents are living on a fixed income and are now in good health, have you and he and his sibling(s) worked out what happens with the parents' care, house, assets etc. when they are older and begin to need much more help? That's a time when some of the my-family-first issues can really come to a head, OP.

I know. All that is not about this wedding etc. But just noting here that if the DH has this attitude about a wedding, especially one designed to limit anyone's attendance (let's face it, that's what many destination weddings are for) -- well, the attitude will still be around after the wedding is long over.

This is just looking for trouble. OP says they have the money, but spending it on this would be felt. Her DH isn't abandoning his immediate family, he's saying since they can afford it he would like to spend the money for his family to attend his sister's wedding. That may or may not be the right call, and OP definitely gets a say, but it's not a sign that he categorically prioritizes his family of origin over his wife and kids.

People on this board just look for opportunities to create power struggles. Every choice to help one member of your family is not proof that the other members don't matter to you.

If it would be a stretch it is an issue, especially when they have kids and their own expenses. Personally I would not go and send my husband and his parents. Its selfish to do a wedding like this without asking the guests if they can afford it. It wouldn't be a question. I'd tell SIL, we would have loved to go but its a stretch for our budget and just not a good use of our money and we look forward to seeing a video and celebrating when they get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Looking at the much bigger, longer-term picture here:

When a spouse is insisting that Family Comes First, and means "my family of origin" and not "the family my spouse and I have together," you are in for problems that will continue long, long after any wedding kerfuffle.

OP, does your DH take a stance of "My family is so very important we must be at X event, no matter what" attitude about other things? At other times? Is this something that was already an ongoing theme before this wedding issue? I'm betting it might be, and that you will run up against DH's My Family First inclination again. Is he the type who also insists you have to attend all the graduations, weddings, Thanksgivings, holidays etc. "fairly" and "equally" between your family of origin and his, even if it creates logistical issues, incurs irrational costs, etc.?

For that matter -- if his parents are living on a fixed income and are now in good health, have you and he and his sibling(s) worked out what happens with the parents' care, house, assets etc. when they are older and begin to need much more help? That's a time when some of the my-family-first issues can really come to a head, OP.

I know. All that is not about this wedding etc. But just noting here that if the DH has this attitude about a wedding, especially one designed to limit anyone's attendance (let's face it, that's what many destination weddings are for) -- well, the attitude will still be around after the wedding is long over.

This is just looking for trouble. OP says they have the money, but spending it on this would be felt. Her DH isn't abandoning his immediate family, he's saying since they can afford it he would like to spend the money for his family to attend his sister's wedding. That may or may not be the right call, and OP definitely gets a say, but it's not a sign that he categorically prioritizes his family of origin over his wife and kids.

People on this board just look for opportunities to create power struggles. Every choice to help one member of your family is not proof that the other members don't matter to you.

If it would be a stretch it is an issue, especially when they have kids and their own expenses. Personally I would not go and send my husband and his parents. Its selfish to do a wedding like this without asking the guests if they can afford it. It wouldn't be a question. I'd tell SIL, we would have loved to go but its a stretch for our budget and just not a good use of our money and we look forward to seeing a video and celebrating when they get back.

Oh, geez. How rude and uncalled for to TELL a couple that attending their wedding isn’t a “good use” of your money. Please, just don’t.