Hetero couple proclaiming themselves as queer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP we present like a cis hetero couple but we're not so I'm queer

What does that mean?

DP. A bi person (or two) in an opposite sex marriage will present that way. I know at least one family with a trans man married to a cis woman, where if you don't know he's trans (and I didn't the first time I met him), they look like a cis hetero couple but aren't.

I guess I’m struggling to understand how bisexuals in a hetero marriage means anything. I mean, if you’re in a monogamous marriage, who cares that you were bisexual before. Now you are in a hetero marriage.

The people I know who identify as queer never refer to themselves as gay or lesbian, but they have same-sex partners. They also tend to present themselves in terms of hair/fashion, etc. in a way that doesn’t align with stereotypes related to their gender. More directly: they proudly put forth their queer identity in various ways.

A person didn't cease to be bisexual because they're monogamous and in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender. That's not what the identity is about, it's about who you're attracted to, sexually/romantically. That doesn't change because you're married.

But it doesn’t matter once you’re married. So why would you need to broadcast it to anyone once you are married?

Why doesn’t it matter? It’s still who they are.

It’s who they are attracted to, not who they are…particularly if married/hetero.

Why would anyone else need to know that?

That’s the point of the thread, right? Pondering why anyone feels compelled to put that info out there when married. And why on earth anyone would include it on their resume/cover letter unless they think it gives them an advantage. It seems like unnecessary, intimate info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP we present like a cis hetero couple but we're not so I'm queer

What does that mean?

DP. A bi person (or two) in an opposite sex marriage will present that way. I know at least one family with a trans man married to a cis woman, where if you don't know he's trans (and I didn't the first time I met him), they look like a cis hetero couple but aren't.

I guess I’m struggling to understand how bisexuals in a hetero marriage means anything. I mean, if you’re in a monogamous marriage, who cares that you were bisexual before. Now you are in a hetero marriage.

The people I know who identify as queer never refer to themselves as gay or lesbian, but they have same-sex partners. They also tend to present themselves in terms of hair/fashion, etc. in a way that doesn’t align with stereotypes related to their gender. More directly: they proudly put forth their queer identity in various ways.

A person didn't cease to be bisexual because they're monogamous and in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender. That's not what the identity is about, it's about who you're attracted to, sexually/romantically. That doesn't change because you're married.

But it doesn’t matter once you’re married. So why would you need to broadcast it to anyone once you are married?

Why doesn’t it matter? It’s still who they are.

It’s who they are attracted to, not who they are…particularly if married/hetero.

Why would anyone else need to know that?

That’s the point of the thread, right? Pondering why anyone feels compelled to put that info out there when married. And why on earth anyone would include it on their resume/cover letter unless they think it gives them an advantage. It seems like unnecessary, intimate info.

Not the pp you replied to. I'm a queer person. I absolutely consider bisexuals in a heterosexual marriage as valid queer people. Just because they get heterosexual privilege doesn't mean they're not still queer. It also doesn't mean that they don't suffer when people discriminate against queer people. They either have to stand up with the rest of us or sit in silence in the closet. Being in the closet is being ashamed of your identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

Honest question - You're a man, and your spouse is a trans man. Trans men are men, so doesn't that make you homosexual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

Honest question - You're a man, and your spouse is a trans man. Trans men are men, so doesn't that make you homosexual?

He’s straight. He’s not attracted to his spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

Honest question - You're a man, and your spouse is a trans man. Trans men are men, so doesn't that make you homosexual?

He’s straight. He’s not attracted to his spouse.

Kind of weird to see people randomly talking about me, but this is right. He didn't identify as a man when we married, and since he came out our marriage has been platonic. Affectionate and full of love, but not sexual.

[Anonymous]

My friend and her husband both identify as queer. I still don’t totally understand what they mean by that but I accept and love them. They are poly and very into kink so my assumption is those elements are what they identify with as queer but they have never actually said that to me.

My sister identifies as queer also- and she sleeps exclusively with women. She doesn’t like the word “lesbian” and has never explained her reasoning on that. She has really strong feelings about heterosexual couples identifying as queer based on the fact that they are into kink.

Personally, I am going to accept any label you give yourself. Truly takes no effort on my part and doesn’t impact my life in anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is not offensive. Is this a thing? An acquaintance and her boyfriend, both of whom are cisgender, are telling people that they are queer. What does this mean? It feels like weird appropriation but maybe I’m missing something.

It means they identify as queer. It can be as simple as that..

[Anonymous]

Label/identity Olympics is tiresome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP we present like a cis hetero couple but we're not so I'm queer

What does that mean?

DP. A bi person (or two) in an opposite sex marriage will present that way. I know at least one family with a trans man married to a cis woman, where if you don't know he's trans (and I didn't the first time I met him), they look like a cis hetero couple but aren't.

I guess I’m struggling to understand how bisexuals in a hetero marriage means anything. I mean, if you’re in a monogamous marriage, who cares that you were bisexual before. Now you are in a hetero marriage.

The people I know who identify as queer never refer to themselves as gay or lesbian, but they have same-sex partners. They also tend to present themselves in terms of hair/fashion, etc. in a way that doesn’t align with stereotypes related to their gender. More directly: they proudly put forth their queer identity in various ways.

Wow; thank you.
NP here. I've been hetero married for 20 years but I'm bi, just don't act on it. I don't define as queer though b/c I'm all good girl monogamous ect. When I look, fantasize and have crushes, I have two types. one is female and the other is male. Those two types are completely unrelated. And my HD is the 3rd type. Yet

A person didn't cease to be bisexual because they're monogamous and in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender. That's not what the identity is about, it's about who you're attracted to, sexually/romantically. That doesn't change because you're married.

But it doesn’t matter once you’re married. So why would you need to broadcast it to anyone once you are married?

Why doesn’t it matter? It’s still who they are.

It’s who they are attracted to, not who they are…particularly if married/hetero.

Why would anyone else need to know that?

That’s the point of the thread, right? Pondering why anyone feels compelled to put that info out there when married. And why on earth anyone would include it on their resume/cover letter unless they think it gives them an advantage. It seems like unnecessary, intimate info.

Not the pp you replied to. I'm a queer person. I absolutely consider bisexuals in a heterosexual marriage as valid queer people. Just because they get heterosexual privilege doesn't mean they're not still queer. It also doesn't mean that they don't suffer when people discriminate against queer people. They either have to stand up with the rest of us or sit in silence in the closet. Being in the closet is being ashamed of your identity.

Wow; thank you.
NP here. I've been hetero married for 20 years but I'm bi, just don't act on it and was in a monogamous gay relationship for a long time. I don't define as queer though b/c I'm all good girl monogamous ect. When I look, fantasize and have crushes, I have two types. one is female and the other is male. Those two types are completely unrelated. And my HD is the 3rd type. Yet when I think about how I think, I never think I'm straight. It goes so much beyond my crushes too. All that said, I always check the straight box when they are offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend and her husband both identify as queer. I still don’t totally understand what they mean by that but I accept and love them. They are poly and very into kink so my assumption is those elements are what they identify with as queer but they have never actually said that to me.

My sister identifies as queer also- and she sleeps exclusively with women. She doesn’t like the word “lesbian” and has never explained her reasoning on that. She has really strong feelings about heterosexual couples identifying as queer based on the fact that they are into kink.

Personally, I am going to accept any label you give yourself. Truly takes no effort on my part and doesn’t impact my life in anyway.

Lesbian is like lavender which is an awful color. It might be that. When I was married to a woman, we identified as "gay" but that was when there was only LGBT to choose from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend and her husband both identify as queer. I still don’t totally understand what they mean by that but I accept and love them. They are poly and very into kink so my assumption is those elements are what they identify with as queer but they have never actually said that to me.

My sister identifies as queer also- and she sleeps exclusively with women. She doesn’t like the word “lesbian” and has never explained her reasoning on that. She has really strong feelings about heterosexual couples identifying as queer based on the fact that they are into kink.

Personally, I am going to accept any label you give yourself. Truly takes no effort on my part and doesn’t impact my life in anyway.

I personally don't consider people that are cisgender and heterosexual that are into kink or are poly to be queer. Many queer people are into those things but those things along aren't normally considered queer. For example, if the husband is attracted to women but also loves sucking dick then yes I consider him queer. Even if he's in a straight marriage. If he is poly but only dates other women then it's just a straight man in an open marriage. Same for the wife but opposite.

Even worse, some of these couples that claim to be queer are actually queerphobic. Like a cishet man in poly marriage scared to death that someone might think he's gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP we present like a cis hetero couple but we're not so I'm queer

What does that mean?

DP. A bi person (or two) in an opposite sex marriage will present that way. I know at least one family with a trans man married to a cis woman, where if you don't know he's trans (and I didn't the first time I met him), they look like a cis hetero couple but aren't.

I guess I’m struggling to understand how bisexuals in a hetero marriage means anything. I mean, if you’re in a monogamous marriage, who cares that you were bisexual before. Now you are in a hetero marriage.

The people I know who identify as queer never refer to themselves as gay or lesbian, but they have same-sex partners. They also tend to present themselves in terms of hair/fashion, etc. in a way that doesn’t align with stereotypes related to their gender. More directly: they proudly put forth their queer identity in various ways.

Wow; thank you.
NP here. I've been hetero married for 20 years but I'm bi, just don't act on it. I don't define as queer though b/c I'm all good girl monogamous ect. When I look, fantasize and have crushes, I have two types. one is female and the other is male. Those two types are completely unrelated. And my HD is the 3rd type. Yet

A person didn't cease to be bisexual because they're monogamous and in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender. That's not what the identity is about, it's about who you're attracted to, sexually/romantically. That doesn't change because you're married.

But it doesn’t matter once you’re married. So why would you need to broadcast it to anyone once you are married?

Why doesn’t it matter? It’s still who they are.

It’s who they are attracted to, not who they are…particularly if married/hetero.

Why would anyone else need to know that?

That’s the point of the thread, right? Pondering why anyone feels compelled to put that info out there when married. And why on earth anyone would include it on their resume/cover letter unless they think it gives them an advantage. It seems like unnecessary, intimate info.

Not the pp you replied to. I'm a queer person. I absolutely consider bisexuals in a heterosexual marriage as valid queer people. Just because they get heterosexual privilege doesn't mean they're not still queer. It also doesn't mean that they don't suffer when people discriminate against queer people. They either have to stand up with the rest of us or sit in silence in the closet. Being in the closet is being ashamed of your identity.

Wow; thank you.
NP here. I've been hetero married for 20 years but I'm bi, just don't act on it and was in a monogamous gay relationship for a long time. I don't define as queer though b/c I'm all good girl monogamous ect. When I look, fantasize and have crushes, I have two types. one is female and the other is male. Those two types are completely unrelated. And my HD is the 3rd type. Yet when I think about how I think, I never think I'm straight. It goes so much beyond my crushes too. All that said, I always check the straight box when they are offered.

Same. If I got harassed in high school for having a girlfriend, the fact that I married a man doesn't change that lived experience of being bi. Bi erasure is super common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:S|O: I’ve noticed a few resumes/cover letters highlighting a person identifies as queer or bisexual. One person I know well enough to know they are in a hetero marriage and they come across as very traditional insofar as their appearance, clothing, etc. Another colleague noticed it as well, and we are wondering if this is a new way to promote yourself as diverse when you really aren’t.

Re: including bisexuality on your resume/cover letter: I just don’t understand this at all.

I've noticed this too and my queer colleagues say they have done this/or would in the future as a way to weed out potentially intolerant employers or bosses. They actually think it could hurt as much as help but don't want to work at a place where they can't be fully themselves. So if it turns off an employer, good to find out sooner than later. And if it doesn't, it's a (small) indicator of a tolerant workplace. They are all in their twenty's/early thirties and feel more emboldened and optimistic in seeking out welcoming workplaces. It makes sense to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm bi, DH is straight. I'm queer but we as a couple are not.

I do think that in addition to the "my kink should have a letter" people, some people can be clumsy in attempts at allyship. I assume good intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP we present like a cis hetero couple but we're not so I'm queer

What does that mean?

DP. A bi person (or two) in an opposite sex marriage will present that way. I know at least one family with a trans man married to a cis woman, where if you don't know he's trans (and I didn't the first time I met him), they look like a cis hetero couple but aren't.

I guess I’m struggling to understand how bisexuals in a hetero marriage means anything. I mean, if you’re in a monogamous marriage, who cares that you were bisexual before. Now you are in a hetero marriage.

The people I know who identify as queer never refer to themselves as gay or lesbian, but they have same-sex partners. They also tend to present themselves in terms of hair/fashion, etc. in a way that doesn’t align with stereotypes related to their gender. More directly: they proudly put forth their queer identity in various ways.

Wow; thank you.
NP here. I've been hetero married for 20 years but I'm bi, just don't act on it. I don't define as queer though b/c I'm all good girl monogamous ect. When I look, fantasize and have crushes, I have two types. one is female and the other is male. Those two types are completely unrelated. And my HD is the 3rd type. Yet

A person didn't cease to be bisexual because they're monogamous and in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender. That's not what the identity is about, it's about who you're attracted to, sexually/romantically. That doesn't change because you're married.

But it doesn’t matter once you’re married. So why would you need to broadcast it to anyone once you are married?

Why doesn’t it matter? It’s still who they are.

It’s who they are attracted to, not who they are…particularly if married/hetero.

Why would anyone else need to know that?

That’s the point of the thread, right? Pondering why anyone feels compelled to put that info out there when married. And why on earth anyone would include it on their resume/cover letter unless they think it gives them an advantage. It seems like unnecessary, intimate info.

Not the pp you replied to. I'm a queer person. I absolutely consider bisexuals in a heterosexual marriage as valid queer people. Just because they get heterosexual privilege doesn't mean they're not still queer. It also doesn't mean that they don't suffer when people discriminate against queer people. They either have to stand up with the rest of us or sit in silence in the closet. Being in the closet is being ashamed of your identity.

Wow; thank you.
NP here. I've been hetero married for 20 years but I'm bi, just don't act on it and was in a monogamous gay relationship for a long time. I don't define as queer though b/c I'm all good girl monogamous ect. When I look, fantasize and have crushes, I have two types. one is female and the other is male. Those two types are completely unrelated. And my HD is the 3rd type. Yet when I think about how I think, I never think I'm straight. It goes so much beyond my crushes too. All that said, I always check the straight box when they are offered.

Same. If I got harassed in high school for having a girlfriend, the fact that I married a man doesn't change that lived experience of being bi. Bi erasure is super common.

NP and me as well. Coming out in a small town in the 90s was no small feat. I've also lived as a straight woman with all of that heterosexual privilege for the last 20 years. I'm not straight, but then again, what walks like a duck and talks like a duck. Hopefully I'll never be in the dating pool again and everything that "came before" will be just part of my history. I do think it is important to be open with my kids though. I want them to understand that part of my identity before they start grappling with identity issues themselves. It's hard and I'm not sure what the right call is.