Hetero couple proclaiming themselves as queer

[Anonymous]

I hope this is not offensive. Is this a thing? An acquaintance and her boyfriend, both of whom are cisgender, are telling people that they are queer. What does this mean? It feels like weird appropriation but maybe I’m missing something.

[Anonymous]

You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

I think the straight cisgender people that claim they’re queer because they are poly feel like they aren’t accepted by society. To be truthful, society in general isn’t very pro open marriage but it’s not the same as being LGBT. People just think poly people are weird and don’t understand how they make it work (and to be fair many do not and there are hurt feelings). I haven’t heard of any cishet people that have been disowned by their families like gay and trans people often are.

[Anonymous]

Family members do this. They are both bisexual, just happened to land in a m/f marriage.

[Anonymous]

queer now means anything aside from 100% straight/cis. Not necessarily gay.

- lesbian who never has identified as queer

[Anonymous]

Queer/lesbian. I really try not to judge-the big tent of a wide variety of people who identify as queer keeps us all safer and who am I to say who people feel themselves to be. And, I do judge a little bit-a couple of white women who got really involved in progressive politics and realized that they were queer and disabled. Cynically, I think they were uncomfortable being straight and white on that political scene and needed to find a minoritized identity or two. And male/female couples who are only queer because they hook up with women as a third, not my thing at all, but as long as it's all consensual they aren't hurting anyone.

[Anonymous]

The people I know who are/appear to be a heterosexual couple but call themselves queer, one the husband is a trans man (he passes really well though, you'd never know it, his wife is bisexual), one both people are bisexual and just happened to marry a member of the opposite sex, and one, the wife (? not sure if they use that term?) is non-binary.

So, it's usually something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Queer/lesbian. I really try not to judge-the big tent of a wide variety of people who identify as queer keeps us all safer and who am I to say who people feel themselves to be. And, I do judge a little bit-a couple of white women who got really involved in progressive politics and realized that they were queer and disabled. Cynically, I think they were uncomfortable being straight and white on that political scene and needed to find a minoritized identity or two. And male/female couples who are only queer because they hook up with women as a third, not my thing at all, but as long as it's all consensual they aren't hurting anyone.

I think this is spot-on -- I don't question people's self-identification as queer (it can be complicated -- I know plenty of people who present to the world as cis and/or straight whose private identity is genderqueer or bi/pan in a hetero relationship) but I do think being straight/cis/white in an activist space can push people for whom labels can be flexible (e.g. someone in a hetero relationship who has experienced same sex attraction in the past could embrace either straight or bi) to choose the queerer label to feel less like they are the oppressor. As long as they aren't talking loudly over people I don't mind.

[Anonymous]

My dd age 19 calls herself queer, even though I am 99%sure she is not gay. She likes the fun colored hair and rainbows and the quirky people. She feels like she fits into a odd and welcoming community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd age 19 calls herself queer, even though I am 99%sure she is not gay. She likes the fun colored hair and rainbows and the quirky people. She feels like she fits into a odd and welcoming community.

As the others here said, I’m open to people identifying as queer if they want. Just because her friends are queer doesn’t make her queer but a lot of queer people do have queer friends.

[Anonymous]

I thought the whole point was to accept people for whatever they identify as?

So if a completely straight heterosexual couple wants to identify as queer, who the F is anyone to question them?

That’s was the WHOLE POINT. Stop being so damned hypocritical and bigoted.

[Anonymous]

A friend and I just had a similar conversation about her younger sister and BIL. They came out as asexual last year and identify themselves in social media as queer. They are younger than us, but late 30s so I don’t think there’s any fad going on. They just don’t have another language to describe their difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point was to accept people for whatever they identify as?

So if a completely straight heterosexual couple wants to identify as queer, who the F is anyone to question them?

That’s was the WHOLE POINT. Stop being so damned hypocritical and bigoted.

Between the non-Queer pot stirrers (and lazy, unoriginal ones at that) and the terrified parents, this part of DCUM has become unusable.

[Anonymous]

It's extremely cringe and embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sometimes get straight cis people calling themselves queer because they're poly or into kink, which makes me roll my eyes but does happen. They also might be one or both bisexual. Some people like that might call themselves queer.

Personally, I'm cis and straight but I'm married to a trans man (I'm also a man, we don't have sex anymore). I'd never call myself queer, but my family is (even when he passes we look like two guys), so my language there shifts depending on context. Obviously that doesn't sound like what's happening here, but a reminder that things can be complicated.

You should do an AMA. Did he transition after you married? And you stayed married even though you are straight?