I'm so tired of mom cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one here who is involved in the school, hosts playdates, lives in the "cool" neighborhood is is excluded.

I also agree with PP that I've been much happier since I stopped tried to get myself included. Turning 40 helped too. Fewer f&%$# to give.

I don’t even know who the cool moms are so I guess I am definitely not one of them.

I am friendly with some moms from school and sports. We don’t go out drinking but we chit chat and hang out at games, school functions and some parties.

I have my own friends and hang out with them without kid. They are just friends, not mom friends even though they are all moms.

Me too. Although I can definitely think of a woman who really really wants to be a cool mom in our neighborhood! It’s sort of painful to watch

What a catty thing to say. You are the problem.

I guess this did sound catty. I actually meant I feel really bad for her. She’s very insecure and image focused and doesn’t seem happy

Pitying her from afar in way that makes you feel better about yourself is still catty, sorry.

When you see someone making choices you don't understand but that don't hurt anyone, you need to just learn to assume you don't have enough context to get it. It's fine. You don't need to draw conclusions about them or feel sorry for them or whatever. You can just accept that you lack the necessary information to understand why they behave the way they do, and set your own boundaries according to your comfort levels with them.

You actually do not have to evaluate strangers or psychoanalyzes them or whatever. This is not a requirement of life.

Take your own advice.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

I don’t see cliques in my neighborhood, either, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist in others. I have a good friend who lives in such a neighborhood, and I absolutely believe her that they exist. Not everyone has a job or a busy enough life to avoid drama. Some people live for that kind of drama (shudder).

I do think spending time with who you want to is the answer. That, and staying off social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

So true. When my daughter used to complain about this or that in HS I told her to get used to it - the same problems, pining, cattiness, insecurities, hurt feelings and judgment follow some women into adulthood. None of this will bother you if you find true friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

[Anonymous]

I don't get everyone saying "ugh they are everywhere". Maybe there are some at our school? But it's so big it hardly matters. There is ALWAYS someone new to be friends with, if you need more friends.

Diversify your friend group.

[Anonymous]

There are 600+ kids in our elementary school. I could care less who the popular "mom groups" are? Huh?

I'm friendly with LOTS of parents at the school. The ones who live within 3 blocks of me have become friendly. We hang out. We invite whoever. There is no exclusion, we just live close by and hang out. If you walk by with your kids, you will be invited in.

I don't get this complaint. Do you go to 50 person private school? I am SURE there is another parent you can be friendly with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

+1 It's the social media that makes it so obvious. We all aren't invited to everything but it's hard not to notice groups/cliques of women getting together then hashtagging all their get togethers #friendslikefamily #Ihavethebesfriends #momsnightout or whatever BS. What is the point of broadcasting every little get together? When it's the same group it obviously is a clique and it makes it very clear to others that you're either in or out. I don't make a point of constantly telling other friends where they stand with me on social media. Without it people wouldn't know much about what they were missing. I eventually just stop following people or hide them if it gets too annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea who the mom cliques are at our school, if they exist.

Because you are in it already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

[Anonymous]

OP back again - well, at least I know I'm not the only one! I'm sorry for everyone in the same situation (esp baby shower mom, those people sound rude!). I think one way for me to stop feeling bad about this is to stop following some of these people on social media -- but is there a way to block posts on Facebook that my actual friends are tagged in? Like if I unfollow someone, but they tag an actual friend in a "we had a party" post, will I still see it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a combo of social media and also the fact that some schools (definitely not all) have some parent hierarchies due to the way the school functions, especially PTA.

I don’t consider our elementary school super cliquish BUT these issues are there. Specifically there are 3, maybe 4 moms who run the PTA and all have multiple kids at the school. I don’t think they mean to, but they absolutely can come off as cliquish or exclusive. Even around stuff like volunteer opportunities, so I’m not just talking about friendships. They will decide to organize something for the teachers or the kids and just forget to communicate it to all parents until the last minute, so it’s always the same group of families who know each other well and socialize outside of school stuff who are the most involved, but there are many other parents who would like to participate but just feel out if the loop.

Again, I don’t think it’s on purpose but the result is really alienating. I think if you do PTA or similar activities, you should make an effort to be inclusive. No one has to include all parents in their personal friendships, but you actually do have an obligation to be inclusive of all families in school activities.

I think this is often where the resentment comes in. When people feel they are being excluded by a broader community, not just because they don’t feel included in a specific clique of moms. I already have friends, I’m not upset if someone doesn’t want to be my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again - well, at least I know I'm not the only one! I'm sorry for everyone in the same situation (esp baby shower mom, those people sound rude!). I think one way for me to stop feeling bad about this is to stop following some of these people on social media -- but is there a way to block posts on Facebook that my actual friends are tagged in? Like if I unfollow someone, but they tag an actual friend in a "we had a party" post, will I still see it?

You can mute certain people so that you don’t see their posts in your feed even if they tag one of your friends. I don’t know if this still works if your friend then shares that person’s post— maybe someone else has that knowledge.

Facebook definitely sometimes makes it hard to avoid seeing posts from people without outright blocking them, which I think is aggressive and tends to draw attention to something you’d rather not. I went through this after a break up with my ex-fiancé. We unfriended each other but we had so much overlap in our lives that it was very hard to avoid seeing photos of him at people’s events in my feed. I wound up just majorly curtailing my Facebook use to deal with it, only logging in once a week and not scrolling my feed. But that was almost 6 years ago so maybe it’s easier now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.