I'm so tired of mom cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

Well, in my case I do live in the cool neighborhood and I'm not one of them.

Same. It’s fine, though. The handful of times I’ve been on included for whatever reason we’re just not that enjoyable. Don’t believe the hype. The cliques often form for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with genuine friendship, regardless of what their social media has you thinking. And they get harder to maintain when the kids get older and make their own choices about their friends. Just focus on finding individual people you click with.

+1000000

Just wait until the elementary school clique blows up in middle school when one kid becomes goth, another has a fight with her BBFF, etc. These things rarely last.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a rich person thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find other moms that also aren’t in the cliques and befriend them. Assuming there are 20 kids in the class, I can’t imagine there are 20 moms in te clique. Find the other moms………..

This is good advice. Find your people. There are ALWAYS people.
My kids went to a super cliquey preschool. I became life-long friends with some of the other moms who were not "cool."
Same with elementary.
The "not cool" crowd is not necessarily weird at all--in fact they in my experience they are some of the most interesting, accomplished and even wealthiest moms. What they have in common is that they don't get caught up in the drama and games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After some mild elementary school girl drama, I’ve realized that I actually want my friends to be separate from my kid’s friends.

It’s great when I get along with a few of my kid’s friends’ parents, but I’d rather have them independent from each other, because then I don’t have to worry about awkwardness with a friend because our kids are being mean to each other on the regular.

That being said, it can be lonely when you don’t have those more casual friendships. I’ve only done this in a COVID/post-COVID world, so I wonder how much of that is because people have kind of stopped cultivating those more circumstantial friendships.

x100000

DP and mostly, yes. We have a few other families with whom the parents all get along great, and the kids play well but aren't BFFs at school. It helps that they're mostly in different grades. But I agree that it can be hard without casual friendships in addition to the close ones. I do think the pandemic has made it harder, since there's less hanging out than there used to be, at least in our neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see this. Or maybe I just don't care what I'm a part of/not a part of. I have friends, my kids have friends. No issues.

Maybe you have some leftover baggage from high school?

Pretty clear what kind of mom friend you are, LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Ooooh, I don't live in the neighborhood but I saw this on Facebook. I'm sorry!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see this. Or maybe I just don't care what I'm a part of/not a part of. I have friends, my kids have friends. No issues.

Maybe you have some leftover baggage from high school?

Pretty clear what kind of mom friend you are, LOL

Pretty clear you have leftover baggage from high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Ooooh, I don't live in the neighborhood but I saw this on Facebook. I'm sorry!!

15:29 again - Thanks for agreeing that it sucks. Worst part - my kid was with the kids of several attendees at the time. (So yeah, I've probably outed myself.)
Clearly it's a sign that I need to cultivate other friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a friendly, approachable person? Do you ever initiate or make plans? I find that the people who complain about this are never the organizers and are often awkward socially.

Often people become awkward socially after being treated horribly by small minded gangs of women who live to exclude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a friendly, approachable person? Do you ever initiate or make plans? I find that the people who complain about this are never the organizers and are often awkward socially.

Ha.

I suspect you are one of the "mean" moms.

Enjoy your reign.

Obviously


I was accepted by the "cool moms" when I got down to a size 2. As soon as I started to put the weight back on, I was back on the outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a friendly, approachable person? Do you ever initiate or make plans? I find that the people who complain about this are never the organizers and are often awkward socially.

Often people become awkward socially after being treated horribly by small minded gangs of women who live to exclude.

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a friendly, approachable person? Do you ever initiate or make plans? I find that the people who complain about this are never the organizers and are often awkward socially.

Often people become awkward socially after being treated horribly by small minded gangs of women who live to exclude.

Yup. I used to be outgoing and friendly but got chewed up and spit out by a group of gossipy, cliquish women when I was in my 30s. Now I’m standoffish and awkward when I meet new women because I am nervous that if I do or say anything that could be perceived as uncool or weird, they will go gossip about it with the other women and laugh at me behind my back. The more anxious I am, the weirder I behave. It sucks.

Women are vicious.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the excluding really happens unintentionally. I know it's hard, but I wouldn't sweat it too much. If you really like these women or some of them, try initiating something with them (and if you get a cold response ... then move on, but try not to let it affect you child's relationships).

I am sure your people or person are out there.

Also, try to get off social media if that's where you're generally are finding out about these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one here who is involved in the school, hosts playdates, lives in the "cool" neighborhood is is excluded.

I also agree with PP that I've been much happier since I stopped tried to get myself included. Turning 40 helped too. Fewer f&%$# to give.

I don’t even know who the cool moms are so I guess I am definitely not one of them.

I am friendly with some moms from school and sports. We don’t go out drinking but we chit chat and hang out at games, school functions and some parties.

I have my own friends and hang out with them without kid. They are just friends, not mom friends even though they are all moms.

Me too. Although I can definitely think of a woman who really really wants to be a cool mom in our neighborhood! It’s sort of painful to watch

What a catty thing to say. You are the problem.

I guess this did sound catty. I actually meant I feel really bad for her. She’s very insecure and image focused and doesn’t seem happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another one here who is involved in the school, hosts playdates, lives in the "cool" neighborhood is is excluded.

I also agree with PP that I've been much happier since I stopped tried to get myself included. Turning 40 helped too. Fewer f&%$# to give.

I don’t even know who the cool moms are so I guess I am definitely not one of them.

I am friendly with some moms from school and sports. We don’t go out drinking but we chit chat and hang out at games, school functions and some parties.

I have my own friends and hang out with them without kid. They are just friends, not mom friends even though they are all moms.

Me too. Although I can definitely think of a woman who really really wants to be a cool mom in our neighborhood! It’s sort of painful to watch

What a catty thing to say. You are the problem.

I guess this did sound catty. I actually meant I feel really bad for her. She’s very insecure and image focused and doesn’t seem happy

Pitying her from afar in way that makes you feel better about yourself is still catty, sorry.

When you see someone making choices you don't understand but that don't hurt anyone, you need to just learn to assume you don't have enough context to get it. It's fine. You don't need to draw conclusions about them or feel sorry for them or whatever. You can just accept that you lack the necessary information to understand why they behave the way they do, and set your own boundaries according to your comfort levels with them.

You actually do not have to evaluate strangers or psychoanalyzes them or whatever. This is not a requirement of life.