I could use some help on how to raise this with my grown-up daughter

[Anonymous]

OMG, so much of this is nonsense. You have the conversation and you ask her!

Larla, you've been doing great on your own these past few years, and I see you've got some new things which look nice (mention something she's got on or whatever bag). I am curious how you are affording that while in grad school?

Then you sit quietly, and listen. Maybe she says she got a job in the business school or a fellowship. Maybe boyfriend bought it for her bday. Maybe she bought it off Poshmark, whatever. If she has gotten herself into cc debt, talk to her about the pitfalls of that.

One of the problems of our puritan history is people don't talk about money! If you don't talk to your kids, how do you expect them to learn?

[Anonymous]

I don’t ever understand these posts where people can’t figure out how to broach a topic. You say exactly what you’ve noticed and what you’re concerned about and you don’t state any assumptions or judgments. So in this case it would be, “I’ve noticed that you have several very expensive handbags and lots of beautiful, expensive clothes. I am concerned that you might be spending more than you make.” Then it’s her turn to respond.

[Anonymous]

So I’d actually like to take this post in a new direction. So let’s imagine you do have the conversation or you figure out some clues that validate that she is actually doing sugar baby stuff. And let’s say she’s a bit younger 19 to 20 still in college. What then oh wise DCUM? Technically an adult. But also technically still under your care as you’re paying for college and insurance. And certainly very far a field from family values. And of course harmful to one’s own psyche. Next steps?

[Anonymous]

Is she in the sciences? If she’s in grad school in the hard sciences she can charge $50 an hour for tutoring rich kids whose parents want to brag about their advanced kid who isn’t actually smart enough to do AP physics. I had one of those gigs a while ago!

I am not a parent of an adult kid but I am much closer to my mom and would really struggle to ask my dad for help if she weren’t around. I think the best thing you can do is try and make yourself available as a non-judgmental support.

[Anonymous]

Just say you love her and want to stay close.

You have noticed patterns of high spending and want to make sure she is safe. Could she share that side of her life with you.

[Anonymous]

You think your grad school daughter must be whoring herself out? She’s in grad school for the sciences - surely, you think she’s capable of making some money. Maybe she’s tutoring. Maybe she invested in bitcoin and knew when to sell. Maybe she is a great shopper and got a great deal on the trips. If it were your son, would you think he’s whoring himself out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think your grad school daughter must be whoring herself out? She’s in grad school for the sciences - surely, you think she’s capable of making some money. Maybe she’s tutoring. Maybe she invested in bitcoin and knew when to sell. Maybe she is a great shopper and got a great deal on the trips. If it were your son, would you think he’s whoring himself out?

Can you refrain from the use of misogynistic words?

Also, people who trade money for sex are often desperate, (pretty woman was fiction). You could show some compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she in the sciences? If she’s in grad school in the hard sciences she can charge $50 an hour for tutoring rich kids whose parents want to brag about their advanced kid who isn’t actually smart enough to do AP physics. I had one of those gigs a while ago!

I am not a parent of an adult kid but I am much closer to my mom and would really struggle to ask my dad for help if she weren’t around. I think the best thing you can do is try and make yourself available as a non-judgmental support.

This! I charged $60/hour to tutor high school math and worked about 5-6 hours/week, not even AP. I used all that m for "fancy" vacations; no sugar daddy needed.

[Anonymous]

OP, There could be mundane explanations for her “money”. in grad school the advisor can send students (especially senior grad students) to attend conferences using research grants. Many academic conferences are held in places attracting tourists. About the jewelry, could it be fake?

[Anonymous]

People are scoffing at you like you’re totally out of line, so I will just chime in to say that we noticed similar excesses from my adult stepdaughter…really expensive bags, expensive vacations, etc. Turns out she was a stripper. There is no good way to bring this up. But try. I tried, from the perspective of asking if she was happy and if everything was ok. That kind of broke a dam…she was not ok. And she was so ashamed and worried that her mom and dad would think less of her. Her Instagram made it seem like she loves the glamorous life but truth is she was in WAY over her head with some mobbed up, dangerous people. Developed a heroin addiction as well.

I know this is unlikely to be what is going on. I urge you to just share your honest feelings with her, even if it is awkward.