I could use some help on how to raise this with my grown-up daughter

[Anonymous]

I am about 60, widower, with one daughter who is in her late twenties. Her mom died a couple years ago after a long illness. She's in graduate school, and for the past several years has insisted that I not help her financially. We did help her substantially through undergrad. I get that she wants to be self-sufficient and all that, and appreciate it in some ways since I don't have all that much saved for retirement and my wife had the higher income.

Lately, though, my daughter had been showing up with much nicer clothes and some designer handbags and really nice jewelry -- stuff I don't think she can really afford this stuff. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so I am getting worried that maybe she's got some side hustle that is illicit or dangerous. I raised this with one of my oldest friends and he said maybe she is working as a sugar baby or worse.

How in the world do I raise this with my daughter? It seems like the kind of thing that even mentioning it could cause a rift in the relationship. At the same time, I am worried about her. Or do I just say, hey, she's an adult it is not my business. This is the kind of thing her mom would have dealt with.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is a troll.

This has to be. No way a straight man is noticing the quality of her handbags and clothes.

Troll fail.

[Anonymous]

She's probably just in credit card debt like a lot of Americans.

Not great, but not your business. She is an adult who should be allowed to fail.

-late 20s woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's probably just in credit card debt like a lot of Americans.

Not great, but not your business. She is an adult who should be allowed to fail.

-late 20s woman

+ or doing really good buying on Poshmark etc. I would not raise this issue, but I'd be sure to make sure she knows about how important it is to put in 401K. Also, my parents have no idea how much money I make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably just in credit card debt like a lot of Americans.

Not great, but not your business. She is an adult who should be allowed to fail.

-late 20s woman

+ or doing really good buying on Poshmark etc. I would not raise this issue, but I'd be sure to make sure she knows about how important it is to put in 401K. Also, my parents have no idea how much money I make.

Or even Rent the Runway.

[Anonymous]

You recognize higher end clothes and bags? Unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is a troll.

This has to be. No way a straight man is noticing the quality of her handbags and clothes.

Troll fail.

Not a troll. My wife liked nice things so I know how much these bags cost. And it is not just these things. She's also gone on a couple really nice vacations in the past year and the only pictures she's put up on Facebook show her dressed up or on the beach but not with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You recognize higher end clothes and bags? Unlikely.

My father (who was born in 1918 for some perspective) always recognized very high end clothing. Savile Row type clothing, runway designers, etc. He was into clothing (albeit mostly his own ) Anyway, point being some men do notice.

Maybe OP is a troll, maybe he notices.

[Anonymous]

You worry without commenting. You express unconditional love and make sure she knows you are a safe person to confide in or turn to should she ever feel the need to. You don't pry. You don't judge. You don't presume the worst. Just let her know she is loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is a troll.

This has to be. No way a straight man is noticing the quality of her handbags and clothes.

Troll fail.

Not a troll. My wife liked nice things so I know how much these bags cost. And it is not just these things. She's also gone on a couple really nice vacations in the past year and the only pictures she's put up on Facebook show her dressed up or on the beach but not with anyone else.

So next time she comes over, maybe just ask her if she's getting good deals after your compliment her on her bag or shoes or whatever. Or tie it into a convo about how she has great style like her Mom.

Or ask her how work is going, and if she's doing ok financially. Just don't mention that you're worried she's a sugar whatever. Make it more about how you might want to help her again if you want. Or just let it go. Lots of people have different ways of spending. You really can't control it, and it really doesn't sound like there is a lot of reason to worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is a troll.

This has to be. No way a straight man is noticing the quality of her handbags and clothes.

Troll fail.

Not a troll. My wife liked nice things so I know how much these bags cost. And it is not just these things. She's also gone on a couple really nice vacations in the past year and the only pictures she's put up on Facebook show her dressed up or on the beach but not with anyone else.

Maybe she’s a mistress.

[Anonymous]

You’re close to retirement age. So you’ve probably been crunching the numbers for retirement right? Maybe you could broach it as this is how you’ve been looking at your cash flow etc and would she be interested in seeing how you do it?

I’m pretty frugal but l wish my parents would have offered something like that. My dad is a retired accountant and is great with money but l never thought to ask (though l could have used the help) and he never offered.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do do NOT ask if she is whoring herself out for money. Don't do that.

[Anonymous]

You cannot ask your adult daughter if she’s working as a prostitute (which is what people are really saying with all of these euphemisms).