I could use some help on how to raise this with my grown-up daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe your mind went to sugar daddy instead of just "got approved for a credit card and is running up credit card debt."

I would not have thought of this but my friend mentioned it. I agree the credit card is far more likely. Thanks everyone for the reality check.

Bless your heart OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are looking for a delicate way to ask your daughter is she is a prostitute? It doesn't exist.

If you look at OP’s original post, there’s likely no way that was written by a 60 something year old man. The post even says that OP is “about 60.” Who describes their age as “about X”?

People are sometimes vague because they don't want to be identified.

[Anonymous]

It could also be student loans. I got a scholarship in grad school but took out loans for rent and groceries. Later when I still had some left because my living costs were low and supplemented with a paid internship, I took out the additional money and used it to pay for vacations and an expensive camera. Maybe not the best financial decision but I never regretted the trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could also be student loans. I got a scholarship in grad school but took out loans for rent and groceries. Later when I still had some left because my living costs were low and supplemented with a paid internship, I took out the additional money and used it to pay for vacations and an expensive camera. Maybe not the best financial decision but I never regretted the trips.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You recognize higher end clothes and bags? Unlikely.

OMG. Not every stereotype of bro clueless men is true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She could also have a boyfriend she hasn't told you about, right? Or a job she hasn't told you about? It doesn't sound like you talk that frequently

OP here, she's in grad school and works in a lab at the school to make money. But I can't believe that really pays all that well. She does do some teaching on the side or at least has in the past.

On the trips, yes I did ask about them after the fact and she was pretty vague. They were all to nice warm places with beaches like the Bahamas.

Also, I don't think she has a boyfriend. I do ask her about that regularly, and we always knew in the past when she started dating someone seriously.

It is true this could be credit card debt. Maybe I'm overreacting based on my friend's comment. He's now single and has been in some relationships like that, and says this is very common.

OP, are you at all close your daughter, or was her relationship more with your wife before she passed away. If you never had a close direct relationship with her before and got all your updates from your wife, it’s possible that she had a life, including a significant other, that she doesn’t share with you simply because you two never had that relationship before. It’s possible she doesn’t fee anymore change in what she’s sharing with you because she’s sharing as much with you as she ever did, but you are feeling a difference because you no longer have your wife as a conduit for information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She could also have a boyfriend she hasn't told you about, right? Or a job she hasn't told you about? It doesn't sound like you talk that frequently

OP here, she's in grad school and works in a lab at the school to make money. But I can't believe that really pays all that well. She does do some teaching on the side or at least has in the past.

On the trips, yes I did ask about them after the fact and she was pretty vague. They were all to nice warm places with beaches like the Bahamas.

Also, I don't think she has a boyfriend. I do ask her about that regularly, and we always knew in the past when she started dating someone seriously.

It is true this could be credit card debt. Maybe I'm overreacting based on my friend's comment. He's now single and has been in some relationships like that, and says this is very common.

OP, are you at all close your daughter, or was her relationship more with your wife before she passed away. If you never had a close direct relationship with her before and got all your updates from your wife, it’s possible that she had a life, including a significant other, that she doesn’t share with you simply because you two never had that relationship before. It’s possible she doesn’t fee anymore change in what she’s sharing with you because she’s sharing as much with you as she ever did, but you are feeling a difference because you no longer have your wife as a conduit for information.

OP here, that's a really good point. She was much closer to her mother. I've tried to make up for that but not sure I've done very well at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am about 60, widower, with one daughter who is in her late twenties. Her mom died a couple years ago after a long illness. She's in graduate school, and for the past several years has insisted that I not help her financially. We did help her substantially through undergrad. I get that she wants to be self-sufficient and all that, and appreciate it in some ways since I don't have all that much saved for retirement and my wife had the higher income.

Lately, though, my daughter had been showing up with much nicer clothes and some designer handbags and really nice jewelry -- stuff I don't think she can really afford this stuff. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so I am getting worried that maybe she's got some side hustle that is illicit or dangerous. I raised this with one of my oldest friends and he said maybe she is working as a sugar baby or worse.

How in the world do I raise this with my daughter? It seems like the kind of thing that even mentioning it could cause a rift in the relationship. At the same time, I am worried about her. Or do I just say, hey, she's an adult it is not my business. This is the kind of thing her mom would have dealt with.

Myob

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am about 60, widower, with one daughter who is in her late twenties. Her mom died a couple years ago after a long illness. She's in graduate school, and for the past several years has insisted that I not help her financially. We did help her substantially through undergrad. I get that she wants to be self-sufficient and all that, and appreciate it in some ways since I don't have all that much saved for retirement and my wife had the higher income.

Lately, though, my daughter had been showing up with much nicer clothes and some designer handbags and really nice jewelry -- stuff I don't think she can really afford this stuff. She doesn't have a boyfriend, so I am getting worried that maybe she's got some side hustle that is illicit or dangerous. I raised this with one of my oldest friends and he said maybe she is working as a sugar baby or worse.

How in the world do I raise this with my daughter? It seems like the kind of thing that even mentioning it could cause a rift in the relationship. At the same time, I am worried about her. Or do I just say, hey, she's an adult it is not my business. This is the kind of thing her mom would have dealt with.

Myob

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is a troll.

This has to be. No way a straight man is noticing the quality of her handbags and clothes.

Troll fail.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the people saying MYOB. This young woman is in her early 20s and her mother died and she seems to be on her own emotionally. Maybe filling the void with things and trips/spending. OP, forget about the money for a bit and make an effort to get to know and grow closer to your daughter. You should be a comfort to each other with your wife/her mother gone, and she is still so young and needs a parent who expresses care and is looking it for her. Especially as she Starts thinking about marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She could also have a boyfriend she hasn't told you about, right? Or a job she hasn't told you about? It doesn't sound like you talk that frequently

OP here, she's in grad school and works in a lab at the school to make money. But I can't believe that really pays all that well. She does do some teaching on the side or at least has in the past.

On the trips, yes I did ask about them after the fact and she was pretty vague. They were all to nice warm places with beaches like the Bahamas.

Also, I don't think she has a boyfriend. I do ask her about that regularly, and we always knew in the past when she started dating someone seriously.

It is true this could be credit card debt. Maybe I'm overreacting based on my friend's comment. He's now single and has been in some relationships like that, and says this is very common.

OP, are you at all close your daughter, or was her relationship more with your wife before she passed away. If you never had a close direct relationship with her before and got all your updates from your wife, it’s possible that she had a life, including a significant other, that she doesn’t share with you simply because you two never had that relationship before. It’s possible she doesn’t fee anymore change in what she’s sharing with you because she’s sharing as much with you as she ever did, but you are feeling a difference because you no longer have your wife as a conduit for information.

OP here, that's a really good point. She was much closer to her mother. I've tried to make up for that but not sure I've done very well at that.

In that case, I definitely would not bring up your concerns with her directly, because if anything it’s likely to make her shut down that much more. Do you live close to her? How do you keep in touch with her? Separate and apart from this issue, you both may benefit from a closer relationship, especially since your wife has passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She could also have a boyfriend she hasn't told you about, right? Or a job she hasn't told you about? It doesn't sound like you talk that frequently

OP here, she's in grad school and works in a lab at the school to make money. But I can't believe that really pays all that well. She does do some teaching on the side or at least has in the past.

On the trips, yes I did ask about them after the fact and she was pretty vague. They were all to nice warm places with beaches like the Bahamas.

Also, I don't think she has a boyfriend. I do ask her about that regularly, and we always knew in the past when she started dating someone seriously.

It is true this could be credit card debt. Maybe I'm overreacting based on my friend's comment. He's now single and has been in some relationships like that, and says this is very common.

OP, are you at all close your daughter, or was her relationship more with your wife before she passed away. If you never had a close direct relationship with her before and got all your updates from your wife, it’s possible that she had a life, including a significant other, that she doesn’t share with you simply because you two never had that relationship before. It’s possible she doesn’t fee anymore change in what she’s sharing with you because she’s sharing as much with you as she ever did, but you are feeling a difference because you no longer have your wife as a conduit for information.

OP here, that's a really good point. She was much closer to her mother. I've tried to make up for that but not sure I've done very well at that.

In that case, I definitely would not bring up your concerns with her directly, because if anything it’s likely to make her shut down that much more. Do you live close to her? How do you keep in touch with her? Separate and apart from this issue, you both may benefit from a closer relationship, especially since your wife has passed.

She lives an hour away, but we talk on the phone a couple of times per week.

[Anonymous]

If she lives an hour away you should be able to browse the sites yourself and see if she’s on. Super gross but I can’t think of another way. Then if she is, say a friend of yours recognized her and you just wanted to talk.

If you get to that point, you should mostly listen and ask her if it’s financial or otherwise. Offer to help her with money if that is a concern and just express care for her. She’s an adult, if she wants to do that it’s her business. But I bet seeing her dad express love and care would be huge for her. And check in with her more often. How much do you text/call her?

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is necessarily a troll post. I'm a straight middle aged male and had similar concerns about one of my kids.

Look at the bright side. If it isn't credit card debt, it might not be sugar baby payments. It might be drug sale payments.

I have no idea how to talk about this with an adult child.