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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP that is sad - sorry for you. We have bio and adopted children and both grandparents accepted both - [b]although they probably know I would have cut them off if they did not. [/b]

I would set boundaries early on and have DH inform them:
1. You and DH both expect any adopted and biological children to be treated equally because they are equal under the law and in our eyes as parents;
2. Educate them that real parents are the ones who feed, clothes, shelter, protect and educate their children;
3. It will make you very sad if they cannot accept your adopted children and you will need to reduce contact in order to protect your children if they cannot accept them as your children.

We are blessed that my MIL adores our DC and is understanding about issues common to adoption (fear of abandonment, feelings of loss that need to be realistically managed, and sensitivity to not looking similar to other family members). It will be really important to do whatever you can to bond with  your adopted children and let them know that they are accepted and loved just as they are. If ILs cannot appreciate how important this is, you need to do what you need to do to protect your children.

If ILs are willing to try and connect with adopted children, Give them a chance though - they may come around .

Good luck OP
[/quote]

dp I think this seems harsh.  You would automatically cut someone off instead of educating them? It seems like your love is conditional and doesn't take in any consideration for growth and change. [/quote]

Not the PP you are replying to, but no.

My child is not an experiment/guinea pig for growth and change. When my child comes you better love them or I cut you off. 
I am a very laid back person, but I don't joke with my children. If you don't love them or need time to love them, you are out. Do you know how much damage can be done to a child while the adult is growing and changing? let the adult go figure it out and convince me that they have grown and changed before I would let them interact with my child.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant to OP's question because she should not have asked the question to her MIL in the first place. MIL has no business being part of this decision. MIL's job starts when the decision has already been made. OP cannot hold this against MIL; MIL gets to show her colors when the child is adopted. All this nonsense talk is silly.[/quote]

But isn’t it wise to at least test the waters and see what can be expected?
OP here. I was hoping that MIL might help with a baby, so yes I was asking questions.[/quote]

OP, I agree that your MIL should not be part of the equation of whether or not you and your DH adopt. I also agree that her response seems heartless and cruel but none of us were there to see how this actually played out.

Was this a serious question posed to her or did you spring it on her in a casual manner? Context can be important here. Can you relate exactly what you said and her exact response? I get that most people on DCUM deem MILs guilty automatically but it's only fair to at least give someone a chance to explain themselves.  If someone is posed a hypothetical question in a casual manner, that is much different than having an honest conversation about a serious topic.

If you are expecting your MIL to help/assist with childcare I would think that you and your DH would be close enough to have a straightforward conversation about it. "Mom, we wanted to let you know that we are looking into adoption options. We know any child we bring into our home is deserving of our unconditional love and hope you feel the same way."

While you and your DH are the only ones who need to make decisions on how to grow your family, I do give you credit for at least trying to test the waters to see what the reactions are from immediate family members. Even if their responses are not what you wanted, hopefully they are open enough to start a dialogue and perhaps gain greater understanding. That will only benefit you and your family in the future.

As you have seen most people on DCUM will also immediately cut off any parent/IL who makes the slightest wrong move so keep that in mind. FWIW, we did not know our DS/DIL were even considering adoption until they called out of the blue while we were sitting at dinner with other people, to say, "Congrats! We just brought home our child - your first grandchild!"  We love the child to pieces and would never even consider "not accepting" them but we were hurt about being completely in the dark until the day they brought the child home.  [/quote]

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