Can’t Decide About Third Baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you described me a few years ago.

We went for the third and ended up with twins.

No regrets, but it has been crazy ever since.

Same here. Not sure how old you are, but I was 34 when I spontaneously conceived twins. They're more likely as you get older - rats fleeing a sinking ship and all that. Statistically still not common, but it's something to think about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin has three, and the second one has obvious special needs that the parents are too busy to acknowledge. The kid is five but talks and behaves at the level of a 2-year-old. The older child, who is seven, is mostly annoyed with the middle sibling, and the youngest one, who is 3, is developing at a more rapid pace and idnores the middle one. My cousin is overwhelmed. I feel for all of them, but ultimately decided to stop at two as we are not nearly as organized as my cousin and her DH.

I felt overwhelmed as a working mom of 2 but feel fine as a sahm of 3. My kids were 4 and 6 when third was born. I got to enjoy the baby when big kids were at school and focus on big kids when they are home from school.

Me, being a SAHM, would not work for our family. My DH is critical of everything I do, so I’d be essentially a cleaning lady and a cook to prove I deserve to stay home. I am making adequate money right now doing a very niche job, so he feels compelled to divide the housework.

I have always been a lousy cook and homemaker so bar very low over at our house. Dh makes a high income so we had a housekeeper/nanny before Covid. I guess it is easy for me to say it was fine as a sahm of 3 with help. I used to leave the baby with the nanny so I could drive the big kids around without lugging a baby/toddler with me. Now it is just me.

Yeah, being a SAHM to 2 with a nanny plus a housekeeping is not at all comparable...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin has three, and the second one has obvious special needs that the parents are too busy to acknowledge. The kid is five but talks and behaves at the level of a 2-year-old. The older child, who is seven, is mostly annoyed with the middle sibling, and the youngest one, who is 3, is developing at a more rapid pace and idnores the middle one. My cousin is overwhelmed. I feel for all of them, but ultimately decided to stop at two as we are not nearly as organized as my cousin and her DH.

I felt overwhelmed as a working mom of 2 but feel fine as a sahm of 3. My kids were 4 and 6 when third was born. I got to enjoy the baby when big kids were at school and focus on big kids when they are home from school.

Me, being a SAHM, would not work for our family. My DH is critical of everything I do, so I’d be essentially a cleaning lady and a cook to prove I deserve to stay home. I am making adequate money right now doing a very niche job, so he feels compelled to divide the housework.

I have always been a lousy cook and homemaker so bar very low over at our house. Dh makes a high income so we had a housekeeper/nanny before Covid. I guess it is easy for me to say it was fine as a sahm of 3 with help. I used to leave the baby with the nanny so I could drive the big kids around without lugging a baby/toddler with me. Now it is just me.

Yeah, being a SAHM to 2 with a nanny plus a housekeeping is not at all comparable...

^3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you described me a few years ago.

We went for the third and ended up with twins.

No regrets, but it has been crazy ever since.

Same here. Not sure how old you are, but I was 34 when I spontaneously conceived twins. They're more likely as you get older - rats fleeing a sinking ship and all that. Statistically still not common, but it's something to think about!

Lol, love that metaphor (I've also heard "going-out-of-business sale"). DP but I would be ok with a 2nd kid and not twins, and that's a reason for me stopping at one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is reading this thread who is an adult third child should weigh in here to help the OP.

I am the third and last of all girls. No, my parents should not have just "gone for it" and hoped for the best. My arrival ushered in a lifetime of significant, chronic stress-related health problems for my now deceased (at 72) father. He worked all the time, he had at least one affair and my mother was unable to develop a career. I know I am the elephant in the room in that family. I know deep in my bones that had I never been born, my parents would have been free from financial stress and stress-created health problems. My older sisters would have had the attention and resources they needed. It sucks for everyone but it sucks even more to be the one family member who was brought into existence and therefore ruined it for everyone.

In any case, if you end up having a third, please attend to your mental health and any unanticipated resentment that may arise---young people internalize that sort of thing and they may spend a lifetime hypervigilantly searching for cues from others that they are a burden. I am mostly okay in mid-life, but I think the takeaway is that kids feel their parents' stress and draw conclusions about their worth.

To be clear, I'm still glad I was born!

I am the 3rd. I am the most laid back in a pretty type A family. I make sure we have a family reunion every summer. I am not nearly as ambitious of insanely competitive as my siblings, but I am plenty smart and living a very happy life! Without me my family would be incredibly intense and wouldn't see each as much now. I am the glue that organizes everyone and helps with the social stuff where they fall short.

Though my parents also got divorced, but I don't think of that as a major tragedy. We all have a good relationship now and my parents spend plenty of time together despite being divorced just about as long as they were married at this point (25 years for both).

[Anonymous]

I wanted s 3rd, DH didn't and we stayed with 2. I never regretted it. They are teens now and still need time and help and attention. We can travel with no problems. Everything is fine as it is.

[Anonymous]

We thought about a third but life feels so good right now with 2 so kind of decided to quit while we're ahead. I get the mentality of the more the merrier, but I also feel like why push it? We have a full, rich life with our two kids and feel like we have a great work life balance, can meet both kids' needs reasonably well, and have fun as a family. My kids are 3 and 5 and I know their needs will evolve over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you described me a few years ago.

We went for the third and ended up with twins.

No regrets, but it has been crazy ever since.

Same here. Not sure how old you are, but I was 34 when I spontaneously conceived twins. They're more likely as you get older - rats fleeing a sinking ship and all that. Statistically still not common, but it's something to think about!

We wanted two kids, our "second" was twins. I know this is different from what you are going to do, OP, but honestly, three is awesome and I love my kids but it's logistically tough. If I had two healthy kids, I don't think I'd roll the dice again unless I was 100% sure. I know a lot of families with three. The common theme is, as someone above said, is someone needs something always.

Parenting is different with three. You can't as easily divide and conquer. Ours are two years apart.

[Anonymous]

I like the slight chaos of having 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you hoping for a girl?

Ew. I think this question is so gross. Especially these days…your sweet little princess could decide she’s really a little prince and crush your dreams of a shopping and manicure buddy.

That would not happen at my house, I assure you.

dp Which part wouldn't happen?

[Anonymous]

Parenting as children get older necessitates different kinds of attention, I have two who are 26 months apart and now in elementary school. I am grateful that I can find time with each of them separately, to help with homework, have heart to heart chats, do little outings. A third baby would make this harder, as babies and toddlers require constant attention.
Picture this: your older child needing you to connect with them while managing a barnacle that you may have a hard time handing over to a spouse or caregiver at short notice. Older child needs you but baby barnacle is like nails on a chalkboard. End result, no one is happy. Stick to two kids, invest in them, in you and in your marriage. It is hormones talking, not your rational brain. You will thank yourself and maybe avert more gray hairs as a result of “loving the baby stage.’ The latter being said part sarcastically and part dead seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is reading this thread who is an adult third child should weigh in here to help the OP.

I am the third and last of all girls. No, my parents should not have just "gone for it" and hoped for the best. My arrival ushered in a lifetime of significant, chronic stress-related health problems for my now deceased (at 72) father. He worked all the time, he had at least one affair and my mother was unable to develop a career. I know I am the elephant in the room in that family. I know deep in my bones that had I never been born, my parents would have been free from financial stress and stress-created health problems. My older sisters would have had the attention and resources they needed. It sucks for everyone but it sucks even more to be the one family member who was brought into existence and therefore ruined it for everyone.

In any case, if you end up having a third, please attend to your mental health and any unanticipated resentment that may arise---young people internalize that sort of thing and they may spend a lifetime hypervigilantly searching for cues from others that they are a burden. I am mostly okay in mid-life, but I think the takeaway is that kids feel their parents' stress and draw conclusions about their worth.

To be clear, I'm still glad I was born!

Looks like your parents used your existence as the scapegoat for all their problems that they would have had anyways. I hope you have good support now.

[Anonymous]

Both my kids have traditional and common names. For me, it wasn’t important that our kids have uncommon names at all and I was fully aware that they are (and have been for 100s of years) popular names.

I think is something some parents care a lot about or don’t care at all about. Decide which you are and proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Went for the third…had triplets. Not kidding. Oh well. I love them all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Went for the third…had triplets. Not kidding. Oh well. I love them all.

Wow! Congrats. Hope you're enjoying your big family!

Something I could never ask in person, but I can on an anonymous forum - if you're offended, I apologize, but I figure you can always just not respond. Did your doctors bring up/advocate for selective reduction? If so, how strongly?