Can’t Decide About Third Baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took us a few years to decide so we have an age gap but so glad we have our third. Just couldn’t shake the feeling I wasnt done so went for it.

+1 Don’t have a baby until you’re sure you want one. We waited until we knew it was right for us. Our youngest is 3.5 years younger than #2. I won’t change a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those with 3…do you ever feel like one of your kids gets less attention than another? Maybe the easy one or the middle. With two you can divide the attention between them easily.

No not really. Maybe slightly with nursing a baby, but each definitely gets their fill.

Echoing what PP said about level of need of 3 vs 2. I have a close family and supportive spouse, but I’m still amazed at how much time off I still have to take for illness/doctors appts/activities etc. I have 3 kids ages 3-9, and it seems like someone is always sick, always has a school thing or extracurricular that I have to check out of work early etc. Even in non-pandemic years (in The Before Times when a runny nose wouldn’t phase anyone) it was still overwhelming.

My 3rd was unplanned and I actively DID NOT WANT another baby…until the pregnancy test was positive. Then I was happy about it. But do not have any doubts about the CHAOS families of 5+ have. If you can, get regular help like an au pair or nanny. Even if your kids go to daycare/school. It’s not for the kids, it’s for YOU and your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently in the trenches of 3 with a 3 month old in addition to a 2 and 4 year old. It’s a different level of need I wasn’t expecting. Someone is always needing something. I am pretty laid back and even I am getting to my wits end. I never sit down anymore and I constantly feel like I’m either picking up a mess, making a bottle, wiping a butt or doing laundry. And yes, my DH does just as much. He does all the cooking and deep cleaning as well as errands. When they become older and more self sufficient I think it will be a little better but right now they are all needy. Honestly I’m ending my maternity leave early so I can have the “break” of going back to work.

I also am currently in the trenches and can very much relate to this. The level of need is intense.

My three are 10, 8, and 5, and I promise you, this aspect of three gets SO much better. They still need you plenty, albeit in different ways, but the physical labor part of it is much less. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember you get what you get, and your 3rd could have special needs far beyond what your other two have.

We were already pretty overwhelmed with just one baby, went for the 2nd. Our 2nd has a super rare genetic disorder and significant special needs. I did all the prenatal testing.

We are drowning and certain we cannot handle a 3rd.

Amnio with microarray is the test I’d get, especially with a 3rd baby where you’ve already got 2 kids you have obligations to.

Yes this. I have 3 healthy kids. It is so much more work than two. Mine are older now, 12, 10, 5. But for the first few years and even now still, the youngest just needs a lot more of me and the older two have to do without. Family activities are hard to please everyone and be age appropriate, travel is a lot harder, so much more laundry, shoes in the halls, stuff to organize and stay on top of. It really is way more work than I was expecting and I SAH. If the third had special needs I would be way WAY over my head in so many ways plus need hired help.

[Anonymous]

Our 3 are 9, 7 and 4 and it is WORLDS easier than it was even a year ago. But, while the physical labor has eased up, I can sense the emotional labor and the driving around labor are ramping up. I do not regret 3 in the slightest. It's perfect for us. But - it does make traveling more complicated and extra-curriculars more daunting. And - some family can't handle a family of 5 visiting them - we are too much - so hotels become more needed, for example.

[Anonymous]

3 is hell.

[Anonymous]

I'd always hoped for three, but when my second one turned 1 there was no way I was ready to start trying again. I told myself that I wouldn't think about it for a year and then I'd reconsider. (Obviously, it occasionally crossed my mind but I wouldn't go down a rabbit hole fretting about it.) About 10months later we decided that we really did want a third.

I think it's a really good idea to wait until you feel pretty sure about it before trying for a third. The dynamic with a third child changes things quite a bit. I don't regret it for a second and can't imagine our life without our #3 but it really does change a lot of things--logistics, relationship wise, intensity of 3 kids who need you, etc. (And... the most intense time BY FAR has been since they've all become tweens/teens. Still happy with our decision. But yea, it's been intense.)

[Anonymous]

I love three kids but it is a lot of work. It also does not get easier as they get older. Sure, they are more independent with some things, but they still have a lot of needs and they are all different.

[Anonymous]

Nope. 3 is a whole different ballgame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 3 are 9, 7 and 4 and it is WORLDS easier than it was even a year ago. But, while the physical labor has eased up, I can sense the emotional labor and the driving around labor are ramping up. I do not regret 3 in the slightest. It's perfect for us. But - it does make traveling more complicated and extra-curriculars more daunting. And - some family can't handle a family of 5 visiting them - we are too much - so hotels become more needed, for example.

Speaking as someone in the golden years of elementary school. Just wait until puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you hoping for a girl?

OP here. No. We are every happy with our boys. If we did have a girl, great, but another boy would great too. A boy at this point would be easier since we have everything we need for boys. We just want a healthy baby.

np I would lean towards no because you are just in the beginning of your parent journey and four is so much easier to travel, save for college etc. Btw, girls don't need special equipment. I'm sure she could use what you had for your boys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 3 are 9, 7 and 4 and it is WORLDS easier than it was even a year ago. But, while the physical labor has eased up, I can sense the emotional labor and the driving around labor are ramping up. I do not regret 3 in the slightest. It's perfect for us. But - it does make traveling more complicated and extra-curriculars more daunting. And - some family can't handle a family of 5 visiting them - we are too much - so hotels become more needed, for example.

Speaking as someone in the golden years of elementary school. Just wait until puberty.

You read what I wrote, right? That I said it is so much easier now that they are older but that I know harder times are coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those with 3…do you ever feel like one of your kids gets less attention than another? Maybe the easy one or the middle. With two you can divide the attention between them easily.

No, but I will say that the dynamic between three can be challenging. In our case, the daughter can feel left out sometimes because the boys are closer and play in a different way than she does. This is just going to depend on a lot of variables like temperament, age spacing, the sexes involved etc.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I very much wanted 3 but I was afraid of the financial stress it would put on our lives (mostly, saving for three colleges, but also, day care and after school care or one of us (me) stepping back from work to provide the care).

At the time, our kids were 4 and 1, now they are 10 and 6.

My DH still would have gone for it, but I said no and am so glad I did because a few years later he got laid off which we were fortunately able to deal with but was extremely stressful and would have been worse for an infant and although our 2nd seemed like a typical baby at the time, it later became apparent she has some significant special needs including "high functioning" autism (in quotes because it is still so, so hard for all of us).

So, if you want three and feel you and DH can handle it, financially and emotionally, no matter what, go for it. But if you have any doubts, make the most of the life you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 3 are 9, 7 and 4 and it is WORLDS easier than it was even a year ago. But, while the physical labor has eased up, I can sense the emotional labor and the driving around labor are ramping up. I do not regret 3 in the slightest. It's perfect for us. But - it does make traveling more complicated and extra-curriculars more daunting. And - some family can't handle a family of 5 visiting them - we are too much - so hotels become more needed, for example.

Speaking as someone in the golden years of elementary school. Just wait until puberty.

DP with kids who are 10, 8, and 5: you know that COVID has really stolen our "golden years of elementary," right? I get that I don't have teens, either, but our school has been pretty clear that the level of emotional upset they're seeing in many kids is pandemic-related. It sucks.